Love at First Bite

This is the first chapter of Love at First Bite. I'll continue posting if you like it!




Preface
I walked into the dark room. The darkness was never-ending, ever-present. I walked on. Suddenly, my world was light. The brightness bored into my eyes, and my sinuses ached, but the light was beautiful. It poured from every surface, every pore, every facet. I knew what this must be. Heaven. I had died and gone to heaven. There was no other explanation for the beautiful way this place glowed. It was perfect.

Chapter One: Sent
The porch sheltered me from the rain as I ran underneath it. The hail stuck down on the roof with ear-shattering volume. I ducked into the door and closed it behind me.
"Brea?" a voice called. "Brea?"
"Dad?" I ran into the kitchen. There was no one there.
"Brea. Brea. Brea." The voice was a whisper. It was in my ears, yet far away.
I could see a forest. Two wolves stood in a face-off position. I was standing in the shadows, restrained and helpless. One attacked. I screamed in agony, desperately telling them to stop.
The scene disappeared, and everything went black.

* * *


I was being shaken awake. The lights were in my eyelids, bright and blinding. I heard voices, frantically rushing to get the sentences out.
"This isn't the first time this has happened," my father whispered. "She says she gets 'visions', and they make her weak. It's like seeing the future takes energy from her. I am afraid for her. Is she mentally ill?"
I heard a sigh, and then, "I can't know for sure. No one at the hospital here would be able to tell. We don't have much experience in this area, thank goodness. I can't imagine her 'visions' to become true. Nothing like that has ever happened that is actually on record. She's probably having crazed daydreams....
"I think she may have a concussion from falling. Wake her up, put ice on her head, and give her some bread or carrots. They're both good for concussions." The voice seemed to belong to a doctor. "I have to go, so if you can handle it from here, Carter, that would be great."
"No problem," Dad said, seemingly anxious.
I opened my eyes. I was lying on my bed, in my room. Dad stood beside me, with his back turned, talking to the doctor.
"Dad?" My voice felt detached—like it wasn't me speaking.
He spun around. "Brea! Are you feeling better? Worse? Feverish? Do you need a drink, or something to eat? Do you want some of Brendan's cookies? Apple pie? Carrots? Is your vision blurry, because then you should have some carrots. And maybe some bread. You know, to restore fiber and energy and—"
"Dad!" I cut him off. "I don't need anything. Just some rest."
"No rest! Dr. Jacoby said that you might have a concussion, and we don't want anything to happen to your brain." His voice broke on the last word.
"It doesn't hurt at all. I just need rest. Please, Dad. Please let me sleep." I begged in a way I knew he couldn't resist.
"Well," he said reluctantly, "if you are sure it doesn't hurt at all, then I guess sleep wouldn't hurt. That seems to be part of the reason you passed out." He gave me a stern look. "You know, you shouldn't stay up so late. I know it's because your body gets restless, and you feel trapped, but insomnia is never good, and you don't look too healthy."
"Save it for when I can formulate words into sentences in my mind. Besides, I feel like I'm gonna pass out at any second." I closed my eyes and let my tongue loll out, just to prove my point.
"Okay, okay." He walked to my footboard. "I'll leave. Have a good sleep, Bree." The second he left, I went unconscious.
* * *
When I drifted back into consciousness, the first thing I noticed was weight on my feet, as if someone had put something on top of my bed. I shook my feet up and down. The thing fell off and hit the floor with a thunk.
I opened my eyes and lifted my head. It was my suitcase, and all of the clothes that had been packed into it had fallen out. I wondered why my father had felt the need to pack my clothes into my suitcase.
Speak of the devil. Just then, Carter Snow, my father, walked into the room. He looked frazzled and sleep-deprived, and his normally sleek hair was disheveled.
"Bree, what happened?" His eyes strayed to the suitcase. "Oh, damn. And I had packed it perfectly...." He began to refold and place the clothes back into my luggage.
"What are you doing?" I squealed. He paused and looked up with a stricken look on his face.
"Uh...."
I glared at him. "Oh, stop beating around the bush and get on with it. Where are you sending me?"
From the look on his face, I knew I had hit the mark. He hesitated, but thought better and launched into his explanation.
"Well, darling, the doctors here aren't nearly as good as in New York an—"
"New York?" My voice rose an octave above normal. Dad looked sheepish.
"It's what's good for you. We just want to know what's up with your premonitions, and why you have the fainting spells afterwards."
"Wait.... What? So you're sending me to a mental institution?"
Dad panicked, "No! No, of course not!" He finished zipping my suitcase.
"Look, honey, I just want you to feel better, and secure...and this is the only way I could do that," he said, his eyes soft. I suddenly realized what a good dad he was to my brothers and me.
"I understand."
***

The airport was crowded and stuffy. Dad and Brendan, my twin brother, stood in front of me. Brendan had tears in his bright blue eyes—we were inseparable, until now.
"Bree..." he said, "be safe in New York. Send me emails every day!"
I grinned. "Of course. Hopefully Frances can make it," I said, tapping the evil Apple notebook sitting in my carry-on.
Dad stepped forward. "Honey, this is what's best for you. Your life cannot be spent seeing visions and lying on the floor. What if this had happened in public, where people could hurt you, take advantage of your unconsciousness? These things have to stop. I'm just sorry you had to leave for it to happen." He embraced me. I could tell that he was crying. Or, rather, trying not to.
“Okay, honey. Bye. Be safe, Bree.”
“Don’t worry, Dad. I’ll be fine.”
His face was taut and sad, and I truly felt sorry that my visions had put him in this position. I bade them farewell and walked off to the airport terminal, where I would await the plane that would take me to my foggy future.

Hey, I just saw this and decided to review it. The lengend for my reviewing:
Red= Comments
Bold = Stuff that I think sounds better, I usually delete parts of it and add in these bold words. Other times I decide to strikethrough the words I don't think work and put bold new ways to rephrase it next to them. Depends what mood I'm in
Anyway, here we go:

LilyReagan wrote:This is the preface and first chapter of my story, Complete. I hope you like it!




Preface

The safest bet now would probably be to run. Away from the lies, [s]the scorn at my choice of true love over my (former) friend[/s] I don't think you need this explanation just yet , the deception, and the cold, hard, merciless face of my pursuer. How had it come to this? For six blissful months, I'd had everything I could have wanted; a soul-mate [s]boyfriend[/s], [s]three[/s] amazing best friends, a great life, an awesome older brother…. Things any girl would have died for—especially the first one I'm confused as to what this means...the first one? Either take it out our explain it. I think it would be better to take it out. Explain later. —and I'd thrown it all away with one little mistake. Of course he thought it was his fault, but I knew he was blaming himself out of habit. Just like always.
Now I was running from this cruel monster of a man, with no chance of escaping. I had said my virtual goodbyes. It was time to face my fate.

Love the prologue. Really pulls the readers in. Just clarify the confusing parts

1. Arrival

A sea of eager eyes turned to me as I exited the airplane and entered [s]into[/s] the crowded terminal, but they all became dull as they realized that I wasn’t the passenger they had been anticipating. All but two.
"Jillian!"
Danny rushed over to greet me, wrapping me in [s]his[/s] amassive hug. His bright green eyes [s]were alight[/s] lit up, a wide smiling breaking across his face.
"Hey, big bro!" I grinned at my lanky, redheaded, 22-year-old brother.
He flashed a smile back. "I'm so glad Mom let you come without a fuss." He grabbed my Morgantown Academy sweatshirt from my arms and led me toward baggage claim.
I grimaced. "She was definitely being difficult, "I paused, "but eventually she gave in. She couldn't deny that you're a better adult authority than she's been so far…so…."
I could see Danny rolling his eyes atthe mention of our inept mother. I had to admit; [s]though[/s] she was a bad influence at times, her reckless ways had definitely taught us some valuable life lessons. Sticking together, for example, had never been a problem until that one time Mom abandoned us in the park. Thank god, we were smart enough to hail a taxicab and get ourselves back home.
We were nearly at luggage claim now, and Danny was chattering on and on about how much I would love the house. He seemed very happy that I had come to live with him. [s] It felt good making my brother happy[/s] Show us, don't tell us that it makes your MC happy. Maybe look over at Danny and have relief go over her shoulders. Maybe say: I couldn't help but notice the bounce in his step as he shot me another smile., [s]even at the expense of my mother's sanity—or what was left of it[/s]. You don't really seem to care all that much about the mother anyway so leave this part out
Danny grinned. "Go get your luggage, Jilly Bean!" He used a nickname of mine I had thought everyone had forgotten. I laughed and bolted forward.
I peeked over the head of a tight looking woman. And...? Show us maybe that she gets jostled by a few passengers but then makes her way to the front or something. It needs to be more than this sentence
I finally caught sight of my bright orange luggage, and tugged it off the belt.
Danny was leaning against the faux granite walls when I got back. He was snickering at my luggage.
I scowled at him. "Hey, [s]hey, hey[/s]!" I sheltered my bags protectively. "Don't make fun of my luggage!"
He pressed his lips together in an attempt to keep from laughing; he failed miserably. Pretty soon he was doubled over [s]laughing[/s] gasping for air.
"What kind of person uses neon orange luggage?"
"Um, I do."
"Uh, why?"
I laughed. "Just a precaution Mom had me make. The one time she decides to be responsible, [s]and[/s] it's so I can find my luggage."
He abruptly stopped laughing. "Don't you ever wish we had a normal mother…you know, one that can teach other things besides how to run away from muggers?" This seems a little too abrupt. You talked about her before, Why didn't he say this before. Maybe have him look down and have Jill ask what's wrong or something, then have him go into it. Edit: After reading the bellow, I think you should just take this out. It doesn't really add anything, but that's just my opinion
I thought. "Sometimes."
"You know…. Learning how to run can come in handy. Race ya!"
He grabbed two of my four suitcases. I'd forgotten how fast he really was until he was sprinting ahead, 10 yards in front of me. "Dan-ny!" I laughed. I tripped after him, my hair flailing behind me. We ran all the way to the escalator.
Breathless, I leaned against the railing as we traveled downward. Danny was choking back bursts of hysteria, sounding like a dying cat. Passerby gawked at us as we struggled to catch our breath.
[s]Not wanting to attract too much more attention, we walked to the exit.[/s]Maybe instead say: As we stumbled towards the exit, I looked up at my brother. This was going to be a fun stay.

Finally, in the car, I relaxed in the passenger seat, pressing my cheek against the cold headrest. Danny turned the heat on and fiddled with the radio. Settling on a station, he started up on the topic I had been dreading.
"Jilly…I was thinking about how you wanted to go to a public school here, and I don't feel like that would be best for you."
I sighed. "Danny, I told you; I don't want to be home schooled anymore." Why did she have the Academy sweatshirt from before? I thought she went to a private school or something. Clarify I snuck a glance at him—his face was tight; hard. "In Grand Junction I had virtually no friends…. I want the chance to go to a real high school."
"Okay." His expression was one of resignation. I could sense the tension diminishing. He looked back to the road. I followed his example and, for the first time since I had arrived in New Jersey, I looked at my surroundings.
[s]What I saw took my breath away—forgive the cliché.[/s] I can't forgive this cliche
The tree trunks were coated in a peculiar blue-green moss, and their branches seemed to reach up into infinity. Various vegetation—blackberry bushes, ferns, crabapple trees, thorn bushes—grew scattered every few yards [s]and[/s] along the road.
Weeping willows [s]cropped up in nearly every other yard[/s] lined the highway, their drooping branches swaying gracefully in the weight of the heavy mist.
Danny's faded Saturn SL2 turned off the main road and onto a street with a row of homey-looking houses. [s]As he drove, I wondered vaguely which one would be my new home.[/s] I looked from one to another in interest, trying to guess which one was his Finally, he pulled into the driveway of a warm-looking [s]3-bedroom [/s] unneeded detail. Instead say: ... of a warm looking brick house with off white siding.[s]with red brick and off-white siding. It looked like home to me.[/s]
"Here we are." Danny smiled.
Liking the look of it, I stepped out of the car, careful not to trip, and headed [s]around the car and [/s]up the path. Danny followed, still smiling, [s]happy as ever[/s]. I had that same warm feeling as before, at the airport.
I pushed open the heavy mahogany door and stepped inside.
There was a strange warmness about the house—the old-fashioned kitchen, the hardwood floors, the worn upholstery on the outdated couches—it made me feel [s]right at home[/s] as though I had lived here forever.
Danny gave me a little shove toward the stairs. "Check out your room!"
I headed up, and the stairs creaked underneath me.
I gasped when I finally got into the room—my room. It was perfect—exactly right for me. The walls were painted a warm red-brown, a russet color, with more brown than red. The comforter on my mattress was a breathtaking metallic gold, and the sheets were the same [s]russet [/s]color as the walls. A low desk [s]of some beautiful dark wood [/s]sat on the floor with a gold pouf as a seat. Burning candles—placed near a low black armchair—[s]were emitting [/s] emitted a delicious scent into the air. [s]It was beautiful.[/s]
"It's beautiful!" I exclaimed, throwing myself on Danny.
Danny smiled. "I thought you would like it."
"How did you know it would be so…perfect?"
He narrowed his eyes mockingly. "I know you better than you give me credit for, Jilly."
I laughed. "It's really great of you to do this, Danny—even though Mom thinks otherwise."
"It's no problem Jils…. Come on, let's get something to eat."

At dinner, I found out that Danny wasn't a bad cook…unless you wanted something besides Pillsbury toaster strudels, potato chips, and soda. So I took some time that night writing down kitchen necessities on a shopping list. At least it helped to get thoughts about my first day at a public school out of my head.
I'd been to a private school—Morgantown Academy—since junior high age up until now, my junior year in high school. Before that, I was home schooled by my mom. So it wasn't a complete surprise that I was filled with anticipation for tomorrow. I tried to relax in my beautiful new room, [s]with no luck[/s] Show us how she can't relax. Maybe she paces. Tries to read a book but can't. Fidgets. Something! , so I grabbed a towel—[s]russet!—[/s]and went into my bathroom. Try not to overdo the colors. I got it the first time
In the shower, the hot water calmed me, unknotted my muscles, leaving me tired and limp. Show us how the water feels. I pulled myself out of the shower and dried my long blond hair, obsessively trying to make the waves straighten. I looked at my reflection.
My pale skin looked even paler in the artificial lighting, and the deep, dark circles under my eyes made me look zombie-like. I couldn't recognize myself, other than my bright blue eyes that were so unlike Danny's and my mother's green ones. I had once asked my mother why that was so; I regretted it instantly—she burst into hysteric sobs. I could only guess it was a likeness I shared with my dead father. Mom and Danny were the only ones who remembered him—I was only five—and when he died of lymphoma. My eyes were an attribute I was proud of—I was proud of my father, who died fighting the terrible didease. Try to avoid repeating words like proud. Go into a thesaurus and try to find another word
I dressed and left the bathroom. Warm in my bed, I thought about my father until I drifted off to sleep, feeling secure in my new home.

Overall Comments:

Plot:
I like your story. It seems a little slow, which is okay for the first chapter as long as the next chapters have action in them. Just a quick question: is the prologue set before or after she goes to her brother's house? I was a little confused if Chapter one was set in a time before the prologue so you might want to clear that up.

Characters:
I think their names are fine. I liked the way you devoloped them. I would like to see more inside Jilly's head aka her emotions (you have enough information about her family, but I want to see how she feels).

Avoid telling us what's going on. SHOW us what's happening.

Other than that, well done! I liked it
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Scasha,

Hey, this is LilyReagan!!!

I just wanted to thank you for your comments! *does little dance*
Sorry. I'm listening to a cool song.

Anyhoo, I wanted to clear up some stuff with ya.

The Preface:
-YES, it is set after she arrives at Danny's. See, I took it from Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. She does the same thing: gives a glimpse into the story in a preface.
-I just wanted to give a bit of detail, because I'd probably use the preface on the back or the cover flap of the book (if I finish!)
-"The first one" would be referring to the list of the things other girls would die for, and the first thing mentioned on the list: the soul-mate bf!

Chapter One:
For this piece

I had to admit; [s]though[/s] she was a bad influence at times, her reckless ways had definitely taught us some valuable life lessons.

I know you didn't like that 'though', but it makes perfect sense. Though she was a bad influence, her ways did teach D and Jilly some lessons.

Oops, I almost forgot--the MA sweatshirt!! Yes, she went to a private school before (I actually said 'after' in the story, but that was a mistake, and I meant to fix that...) she started hschooling!!!

It felt good making my brother happy, even at the expense of my mother's sanity—or what was left of it.

I do love that line. Jilly DOES care about her mother, but she's just LOOONY!!! Ha!

He abruptly stopped laughing. "Don't you ever wish we had a normal mother…you know, one that can teach other things besides how to run away from muggers?" This seems a little too abrupt. You talked about her before, Why didn't he say this before. Maybe have him look down and have Jill ask what's wrong or something, then have him go into it. Edit: After reading the bellow, I think you should just take this out. It doesn't really add anything, but that's just my opinion

I like your advice in that one!!!!

Not wanting to attract too much more attention, we walked to the exit.Maybe instead say: As we stumbled towards the exit, I looked up at my brother. This was going to be a fun stay.

Sorry, i don't mean to offend, but I'm not fond of your advice there.... PLEASE DON'T TAKE THAT WRONG!!!

The point of the cliche is to show that, yes, people are unoriginal enough to think in cliches. It happens, people.

Various vegetation—blackberry bushes, ferns, crabapple trees, thorn bushes—grew scattered every few yards [s]and[/s] along the road.

WHOA! There was a HUGE misunderstanding there!!!!! "In yards and along the road." Yards=front lawns of people's houses! Not yards=three feet!!!

As he drove, I wondered vaguely which one would be my new home. I looked from one to another in interest, trying to guess which one was his

I wanted to show her disinterest, so it would contrast with the excitement she feels later!! Plus, in your comments, I see that you shy way from the fact that Jilly is moving to Danny's house, whereas you used "this is going to be a fun stay" and "which house was his". Honey, this is permanent!!!

Everything else I wanted to clear up was minor.... I really like some of your critique, so thanks!!

Be my friend???

PM me!!

Lily OUT!

I knew what this must be. Heaven.

the period before "Heaven" is really not necessary because the two sentence obviousely go together.

Just then, Carter Snow, my father, walked into the room.

I don't see the need for your fathers name since you never use it.

OK, I liked the name "Bree" but you have "Brea" earlier? I thought the beginning of your story moved a little too fast and you need a small back story. Also I didn't get the connection between the preference and the first chapter. However, If she's going to turn into to a werewolf of something I think you should write more.

i liked it. let me know when you have the second chapter up.

Just be careful that you are not copy twilight or some one esle. this is your story, so make it your story.