Ice Queen

Ice Queen

Blue.
Pale.
Alone.

She sits in her ice castle,
creating the crystals,
that imprison her soul.

Some may call her mean,
but it's children who fear her.
Her heart has a ice plastered boundary.
She will lose control.

She will scream in the night.
Foul little warnings,
making people run afraid.
She was one of them once.

Her soul will decay,
her mind will wander,
if she is not set free.
From a true loved rescuer,
she will wait for the eternity.

Her voice will soon falter,
her body grow limp,
even though she's used to the cold.
Before she was caught,
with another lover,
She could think and laugh and hold.

Her punishment for being untrue,
making the crystals,
that all mortals knew.
Trapped to live her immortal life,
sentenced to be,
a cruel mans wife.

She once lived in a valley,
surrounded by loved ones,
who all cared and enjoyed living life.
Just the thought of her family,
made her weep.

From then and forever,
she stopped making crystals,
determined to find a way out.

Pale.
Blue.
Determined.

Hello.

The idea is sort of cool (ha!) but I think you should bring something even newer to it. I feel like I've heard this before. The stanzas not being equal was disturbing, as well as the fact that some of them rhymed, some not.

creating the crystals,

that imprison her soul.

The comma is not used before "that".

She tore and ice crystals,

from the deepest part of her mountain,

and thrust it at his heart,

now he is not on fire,

and now, they are not apart.

She tore and ice crystals? Is there a typo or did I miss something here? Also, I think you should put a period after "heart", with "now" starting a new sentence. That way there won't be many commas.

I hope this was of any use! Keep writing!

Demeter xx

What do you mean that I should bring something even newer to it?

Hmm... I think I meant something that would completely stun me, like "Wow!". I've heard the story of the ice queen and knew what it's about when I went to read this. And there was the same story I knew, maybe told with different words, but still the same.
But don't worry, I think your poem was overall good, I just tried to pick even the tiniest details that could be of help.

Demeter xx

ohh. i thought i did, but oh well.

This does feel like it's been lifted from the story. As other reviewers have said, find a fresh, new approach to it. Maybe even subvert it?

I liked the first stanza with its one-word sentences: that felt really original to me. *applauds* Well done for creating a clever way to draw the reader in.

You also used some great imagery, such as: "imprison her soul." Entrapment as a motif always works: perhaps you could include more of these. As the poem progressed, suddenly we had a rhyme scheme and this threw me off a little. If you're thinking of using a rhyme scheme, either be consistent or not use it at all.

Then towards the end of the piece, you seemed to run out of ideas. You used more 'was/were' expressions, e.g.:

"His face was of magma".

This is a stative verb - no no no! Make it active! Turn it around! Try something like:

"His face seethed with magma."

See how that feels fresher and more immediate, pulling the reader right into the action? It's SHOWING, not telling.

This poem has real potential and with some redrafting, it could work. Keep writing!

6.5/10

ok, thanks. I will sooo change that.

Writing for love is a pas wrote:
Blue.
Pale.
Alone.

I really like that part. It kind of throws you into that cold feeling.

that was coolio!!! I like the idea it is really unusual for people finding the good sights of the villains

Wonderful poem. Very good analogies showing the condition of the person emotionally, or that's what i see it as.