Winds of Change Chapter 1

I came up with this idea recently, and I thought I'd put it up here and see what you guys think.

Chapter 1-Unfolded wrote:
Every happy family is just alike, but all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way. For a happy family is defined by a lack of problems, while an unhappy one can be unhappy for an assortment of reasons.

Scarper was in a happy family for 14 years. After that, everything spun out of control.

It all started on one morning when he was walking outside his home. He was greeted by the usual outside: Trees all around him, many bent into the shape of a home. The small clearing between this group of homes was filled with children playing. Scarper walked towards the group of boys his age, but was greeted with only stares

“What?” Scarper asked them, chuckling.

“Go away, freak,” one boy replied. Scarper pulled his only friend, Adam, aside.

“So, what do you wanna do?” He asked.

“Look, Scarper, you know that you aren’t a normal wood elf,” He replied, looking down.

“Adam, we’ve been over this. My dad was a wind elf, and soon, mom’s genes will kick in, and I’ll be part wood elf. You know that,”

“Now, they’re saying that that isn’t true. They’re saying that you were abandoned as a kid, and your mom never actually got married,”

“Adam, my dad died. That’s just how it is. They’ve been making up stories since we were eight. How does that change anything?”

“Look…on your arm…”

Scarper looked at his arm, and stared in astonishment. What was seemingly a blue fin was growing out of his arm, and the skin around it was tinted blue. There was a matching one on his other arm.

“No…Adam, this doesn’t change anything. Forget them. I’ve still got you, right?”

“When you and your mom went out to look at the wind village for a while, I couldn’t take it. If anybody is friends with you, you become their only friend. Without you here, I can’t do anything with anybody else. I can’t take it anymore…”

“Adam, no…”

“Bye,” Adam said. He walked back to the group of boys, who were slapping him on the back and cheering him on. Scarper stared in astonishment.

No... Scarper thought as he walked back to his house, a tear falling from his right eye.

When he walked in, his mother was cooking breakfast. She smiled when he walked in.

“Oh, you’re in early. Would you like something for breakfast?” She said.

“Mom, we need to talk…”

***

“Oh…I didn’t want to tell you yet…” Scarper’s mother said. Her son looked curiously at her.

“It was May, year 394. I was walking along the shoreline, when I saw a basket. I picked it up, and you were in it. Your name, Scarper, means “lost”. I took you in as my son. I’m not married. I have no idea who your real parents are. But based on the fins you’re beginning to grow, I would assume that your mother is a water elf,”

Scarper shook his head. His mother continued.

“This was also in the basket,” She said, pulling out what appeared to be a simple circle of rope. She placed it in Scarper’s hand, and he saw that a small emblem was attached to it: A drop of water, surrounded by two wings. Scarper looked up at her.

“I can keep living here, can’t I?” Scarper asked, his eyes filled with tears.

“Only if you want to, Scarper,”

“I want to go to the wind village. I can’t keep living here,”

“I won’t stop you, then,” His mother replied.

Scarper went upstairs and got a small pack. He put a change of clothes in, then went downstairs. He ate breakfast quickly, packed some food, and walked out the door.

Well, what do you guys think?

This was interesting. I think you have an intriguing idea you just had trouble implementing it in a grabbing way.

Characters: I think we need to get to know Scarper a little better before he leaves. Perhaps you could start the story earlier in the day so that we could see how he reacts to being the loner. Also, it didn't seem realistic that Adam would leave so quickly. We need to know more about him for this to make sense. Have Scarper remember another time when Adam had not been particularly loyal; that way it will be more believable. Another thing that is necessary is showing more and telling less. What does Scarper look like? What does Adam look like? How does Adams expression change when he walks over to the other boys? Is he ashamed or sorry or simply malevolent? What do the other boys look like? Cruel, stupid, ragged, rich...etc.

Plot/Description: The plot isn't particularly new but that doesn't mean you can't still make it good. We need to know more about his life before he leaves. More showing and less telling. Don't just say, 'his life was happy'. Describe how and why it was happy, that will help the plot. Also, we need more description. What does everything look like? Is it a cold or hot or windy or dark or autumn day? Are there trees or buildings or cars or little huts made of straw? How does it feel? Foreboding, quiet, sad, annoying...etc. If you can answer these questions the story will be loads better.

I hope this helps and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

I agree with ChernobyllyInclined that the story needs to be more developed before he acually leaves. You're going a bit fast, just slow down, and add some more description, and maybe even a little bit of history from Scarper's life. Like when you say:

It all started on one morning when he was walking outside his home. He was greeted by the usual outside: Trees all around him, many bent into the shape of a home. The small clearing between this group of homes was filled with children playing.

It'd be great if you could explain more about what everything looked like. What type of trees were they? What color were the leaves? Was his street busy? What did the clearing look like? What were the children playing?

Otherwise, you've got an interesting plot started and I'm interested to hear more.

Keep on writing!
~Mateeah

Hey there. I saw your post earlier about this idea. It's great that you got it on paper so fast.

Whoops... Those first two lines seem really familiar. I would seriously suggest changing that. Even if you're quoting for effect, I would get rid of it or at least cite the source. "Anna Karenina" is a hugely famous book and you don't want to get slammed on that.

I'm confused: why would 14 years pass before Scarper ever had anyone make fun of what he was. It seems to me he would have been egged about it from the very beginning had the other children really been that against him. It seems like their whole conversation is a bit of an info-dump. Maybe have a little more expansion on character. Show Scarper and his "friends" and how they interact, maybe giving us a clue earlier why they don't like him.

Why, oh why, do the parents never tell their kid about their past until it is brought up by their cruel peers and the kid wants to leave home? Why don't they do it from the very beginning so that the kid is comfortable with who they are and isn't bothered by what everyone else has to say... Tsk, tsk... No wonder rumors got started.

Yup, yup... I agree with those above me. Slow down and take your time with the story. Let us see Scarper living his "happy life" so that we know what his definition of "happy" is. For all we see of his life is betrayal and unhappiness, so we aren't inclined to believe the author about his having a happy life until this day. It just seems rather sudden that everything would happen with no lead up.

Keep working on it!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

Every happy family is just alike, but all unhappy families are unhappy in their own way.For a happy family is defined by a lack of problems, while an unhappy one can be unhappy for an assortment of reasons.

Scarper was in a happy family for 14 years. After that, everything spun out of control.

-- All of this is kind of unnecessary. I suggest completely taking out all the lines above.

It all started on one morning when he was walking outside his home. He was greeted by the usual outside: Trees all around him, many bent into the shape of a home. The small clearing between this group of homes was filled with children playing. Scarper walked towards the group of boys his age, but was greeted with only stares

Here's a different way you can start the story using the good ideas you have in this paragraph: The trees around him, many bent into the shape of bows, greeted him that morning. Scarper inhaled a deep breath of fresh air, the sweet smells of spring tickling his nostrils. The small clearing between the tree homes was filled with children playing. Scarper ambled towards a group of boys his age. The children turned and stared at him, hostile and unkind.

“Go away, freak,” one boy replied. Scarper pulled his only friend, Adam, aside.

“So, what do you wanna do?” He asked.

-- This is an abrupt transition. I recommend you say that Scarper ignored the boy, pulling his only friend, Adam, aside. "What's going on?" he asked.

“Bye,” Adam said.

Have him say "I'm sorry" instead.

No... Scarper thought as he walked back to his house, a singletear falling from his [s]right[/s] eye.

When he walked in, his mother was cooking breakfast. She smiled as he came through the doorway[s]when he walked in[/s].

Overall Comments:
I like the story! It seems very interesting and you have a lot of great plot ideas going here. Just a couple of things I recommend you put in:
1) More emotion. Scarper seems kind of emotionless throughout. Doesn't it bother him when the other boys make fun of him? Isn't he sad when he feels as if he doesn't belong here at all? isn't he surprised to find out the information that his mom tells him? Isn't he remorseful after feeling that he has to leave the village? He feels alone, out of place, and you should try and make these emotions come through more in your plot. It feels kind of flat without them.
2) Careful with your dialogue. Although your dialogue is engaging, there are times when it feels awkward or out of place. Like when scarper is talking to his mother and says "Do you think I should leave? and she says "Only if you want to and then he replies I'm leaving for the wind... Here I think you should have him think it over first. Have a pause in the dialogue, look out the door at the children who are laughing at him, look down at his arm where he's growing fins, look up at his mother who lied to him. More emotion here. Then have him sigh and say, "I think I should leave. There's others like me in the wind village... or something like that.