An Unhappy Father’s Day

One day a father began to believe,
His wife and son were not what they seemed to be.
So courtesy a voice in his head, he took a knife,
And ended his wife’s life.

His son who saw what became of his mother,
Was told, “Up on the bed, your next” by his father.
Who stabbed his son continuously,
Still no remorse could be seen.

His father who believed that this was the end,
Left them both, who he thought was dead.
But his son heard a voice and saw an angel,
Who said, “Play dead and you’ll soon be out of danger.”

She then preceded to hand him the phone,
And a 911 worker soon heard;
The voice of a child, so small but so desperate,
“My daddy just killed me and doesn’t regret it.

The worker tried to keep him on the line,
So help could somehow, reach him in time.
“Oh no,” the child said, “I have to go!”
His father had come back for another show.

But at that same moment, and just in time.
The police had arrived to stop this crime.
His father who did not seem to care,
Will care when he is sentenced for 25 years.

The ambulance workers could clearly see,
Death in the boy’s eyes, where it should have been.
They prayed for an extra pair of hand to help them,
Make the boy’s efforts not be forsaken.
The son survived and lived to tell them,
And everyone, of the angel that helped him.
So you see what a little faith can do.
Just ask Anthony, who is now 42.

Hmm... this was an interesting poem. But unfortunately it didn't really make me care. It was to vague. As a reader, I need more enthralling emotions. You need write it in a way so that the reader can experience the horror as the boy sees his mother dead and the fear of the boy as he is confronted by his father holding a knife. It lacks emotion. Yes there was sadness in this poem. But it was just another sad poem to me. But no, it shouldn't be sad, it should be horrifying! I hope you understand what I mean.

For example:

His son who saw what became of his mother,
Was told, “Up on the bed, your next” by his father.
Who stabbed his son continuously,
Still no remorse could be seen.

This stanza is too vague. It lacks emotion. What does it feel like to be stabbed continuously?

I also think a bit of imagery would have added a lot to this piece.
The rhymes and rhythm were off in a lot of places. Overall I have to say your rhyming scheme didn't work.

A little nitpick:

His father who believed that this was the end,
Left them both, who he thought [s]was[/s] were dead.
But his son heard a voice and saw an angel,
Who said, “Play dead and you’ll soon be out of danger.”

OVERALL
This poem needs more emotion and imagery. It was also too telly. Remember show us don't tell us. There's a difference. The rhyming was off in a lot of places. However, on a good note I think this has potential. The theme is good, just build around it in a better way.

PM me if you have questions.
Toodles for now!

I'm with Miz on this one, there's just not enough emotion for me to care about this poem. It also sort of seems like the generic email you get every now and then with the 'please send this to five people...' at the bottom. The content didn't even shock me because I was expecting it from the very start.

Things you need to work on are:

1. Building suspense/ creating tension- you could do this by a brief outline of the family in the frist stansa without giving it all away.

2. Poetic Voice- this is the backbone of a poem. It's just not there. I've got a feeling you haven't quite found your writer's voice just yet. I would suggest reading some poetry- perhaps 'Ariel' by Sylvia Plath? She handles very serious topics in an almost flawless ironic voice.

3. Capitalization- each new line doesn't need a capital except if it's after a full stop. This disturbs the flow. When I read this out loud it didn't develop very smoothly.

4. Speech in poetry- I'm sorry to say you didn't quite pull this off. It seems you used this a device to try and show more and tell less- but it was overused. I find one or two sentences tops are effective.

5. Rhyme/ Rhythm- This also needs major work. It was jumpy and even began to get in the way of the description- which it should never do.

6.Imagery- almost non-existent in this. Surprisingly for someone who has just been stabbed there's no mention of blood. Strange, huh?

7. The emotion at the end- Take it out. Seriously, it adds nothing.

All in all, the concept was good but the poem failed to show it. I would suggest serious re-working of this or maybe even expanding it into prose? I'm always here to help with poetry so PM me if you need any advice.

And welcome to YWS!

Eimear

First off welcome to the young writers society! I'm Brooke or Blacktiger3915 by the way. Good to have you here! I thought the poem was actually pretty good. I like poems that keep me wanting to read more. But you should listen to what the others say. Anywho, good luck and I look foward to reading your other works! Peace

This poem was very good and disturbing at the same time.

I liked how the boy had faith and continued to live.

The father seemed like a very depressed person and I could see that in your poem.

Great job and welcome to YWS!

Dark and really disturbing. It was a nice poem, but it was confusing. The boy was dead, but still alive? And the poem title doesn't really fit in with the poem. It's a good poem none the less, but needs to be more..sensual. I found very little Punctuation and or spelling errors so it
is most certainly legible, but "workers" didn't really fit it all the times you used it.
None the less, a good poem.

~S I C
(SWORD IN CHEST)

I thought that was a bit weak to be honest, but don't give up on it yet.

With a subject that disturbing the reader should cringe in horror about the crime and feel the fear of the victims, which I personally did not do at all.
I did not care about whether the boy lived or not (may sound harsh, but I hope you know what I mean) and the reader had no insight into the perpetrators head whatsoever, which I think is a pity because it would be strong stuff to write about.

I think this poem would have been better off without rhyme generally, but your rhyme scheme seemed to pop up and disappear with no fixed rules and in many places it seemed rather forced and disturbed the flow.

The whole piece read a bit like rambling prose, but I think with some work put into this, you can definitely make it into a good poem.
Drop the melodramatic "speaking-bit" and the emoticon and add some imagery and you'll be on your way

This was...interesting. I can feel the emotion of the piece, but the ryhme made it seem silly, in a way. There isn't much thought in the poem, like what the characters are thinking, just the overall feeling. I don't usually have much to say about the title, but for this one PLEASE CHANGE IT! "An Unhappy Father's Day" doesn't begin to describe it.

You have a good topic, but the rhyme scheme is so inconsistent... If you're going to rhyme, make a pattern. >_< I don't really feel that it's specific enough either, as the other posters have said. If you're going to write a narrative poem, word choice and well woven stanzas become even more crucial. You had some good stanzas in there, the fifth one, to be specific.

I would go over this again and just clean up your stanzas.

well thanks for the advice. i'll take it to heart. i did write it when i was much younger (and bored) but i like how honest you guys were. so thanks a lot and peace out!!!!!!!!!!!!!