My Inner Child Likes Chocolate

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I read the descriptions for each type of poetry but still wasn't too sure where to put this so settled on 'Other' - that has to be a safe bet. :) Be harsh - I won't cry, I promise!

- - - - - - -

My inner child likes chocolate.
She gets it everywhere.
It stains her Flintstones T-shirt and
it dyes her golden hair.

She reads A. A. Milne upside down,
dad’s glasses on her nose,
then will recite it word-perfect
as though it’s Cervantes’ prose.

She paints modern masterpieces
that she offers to her gran.
Her gran may not know what they are
but she’s her biggest fan.

My inner child writes poetry
about cats and ladybirds.
She tries to complete crosswords in
an attempt to learn new words.

She loves sports, she’s energetic,
she’s always raring to go.
She asks questions to get answers
her mum doesn’t always know.

She's learned all of her times tables
(to twelve times twelve, at least).
She begs her parents for a pet
and befriends any beast.

Doesn’t think about her future
(it’s so very far away!),
for her, it is light years from now;
For me, it is today.

I see her every now and then –
though less as time goes on –
on holiday or in the park,
but soon enough, she’s gone.

I do not approach her often,
wherever she may be.
Although I know my inner child,
she doesn't know she'll become me.




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No need to be harsh, you've got a good deal to work with here.

in general I appreciated your subject matter and tone. The idea wasn't very clichéd, and you did well to put it in a new way. I actually think the rhyming injures the poem (that isn't advice I give very often) because I think it constrains your word choices, and it isn't giving you anything new here... I'd rewrite it in free verse and try to add an extra dash of poetry to it.

[spoiler]
but she's her biggest fan

This is where rhyming hurt you

She loves sports, she’s energetic,
she’s always raring to go.
She asks questions to get answers
her mum doesn’t always know.

Delete this.

She's learned all of her times tables
(to twelve times twelve, at least).
She begs her parents for a pet
and befriends any beast.

Delete this too. The rhyming is strained, the ideas are unfocused.

...(it’s so very far away!),
for her, it is light years from now; ...

It's redundant. It's quite redundant.[/spoiler]

Otherwise, a good piece of work. Stick with it!

EDIT: Oh, and welcome!
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost

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I like this. Cute and at the end, thought-provoking. Also not cliche like smorgishborg said.

She reads A. A. Milne upside down,
dad’s glasses on her nose,
then will recite it word-perfect
as though it’s Cervantes’ prose.


My favorite stanza! (I like allusions to literature. :]) Nicely done.

She begs her parents for a pet
and befriends any beast.


"Befriends" doesn't quite fit the meter, I don't think, but maybe it just sounds that way to me. Might be hard to find a synonym with the accent on the first syllable though.

She loves sports, she’s energetic,
she’s always raring to go.


(Sorry these are out of order lol) This has too many syllables for the meter? Plus I think all little kids are energetic so is it really necessary?

She asks questions to get answers
her mum doesn’t always know.


I like this though, haha, I can just see some kid asking how something works and the mom has no idea.

The last stanza wraps up everything together perfectly! I often wonder if I went back in time and met my younger self, would my younger self be disappointed, afraid, impressed...or...all of the above ?




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Cute. I really liked this. I'm afraid I'm not a good critiquer of poetry, but I'll try my hardest.

Her gran may not know what they are


This line doesn't seem to flow as well. I'd shorten it a little. Maybe, She may not know what they are.

I see her every now and then –
though less as time goes on –
on holiday or in the park,
but soon enough, she’s gone.

I do not approach her often,
wherever she may be.
Although I know my inner child,
she doesn't know she'll become me.


This is beautiful.

I really liked this. It was a little funny, but very sweet and almost made me cry.

Good job!
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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Okay, here I am! :)

I got very interested as soon as I saw the title. It was funny. But it made me think this poem would be more about chocolate and less about everything else. The chocolate part is just a little bit in the beginning and then it just vanishes. So maybe the title "My Inner Child" or something would suit better, though I know it's not as funny.

The stanzas three and five didn't really flow too well, I think it's because the word choices. Maybe you could to say some lines in different words? Also "in an attempt" in the fifth stanza doesn't quite fit, because "attempt" is such a long word. Maybe edit it a little so it sounds smoother but the reader still gets the idea?

For me, the eighth stanza was the best. The whole poem was sweet, and by editing it just a little, you'll get a great one. Thanks and keep up!

All the best
Demeter xx
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I'm really grateful for these reviews. I'm going go away and work on it and try to iron out these issues.

smorgishborg, I think I will try it in free verse and see what happens. BlondeTwiggy, chocoholic and Demeter, you picked out my favourite sections of the poem as well. I'll work on the points that were raised about the meter.

It's interesting when you're writing and you feel you haven't quite got there with certain stanzas or lines - I think I've a tendency to wonder what I can get away with so it's good to know nothing will be missed here! :lol:

Thanks again everyone.




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So cute. I really like how you wrote that, it flowed very nicely and it was very creative. I have one question...is it a true story? lol.
You craysee!.? Me, do, too, use, correct english fool.




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DC622 wrote:So cute. I really like how you wrote that, it flowed very nicely and it was very creative. I have one question...is it a true story? lol.


Thank you, I'm glad you like it! Ha ha, well, my inner child hasn't separated from me entirely yet. However the little descriptions of her are mainly true - my inner child likes chocolate (my 'adult' self does too) and I got the inspiration from the second stanza from a ridiculous baby photo of me. The poem was just born from one of those days when I wonder what happened to myself!
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I like it. The only thing that would make it better is rework the rhythm a bit so that every stanza is the same, and to give it a consistantly bouncy feel. I find poems like this one are very successful when they have that.
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Awww.... so cute!

Here is where the rhythm went a little weird:


She begs her parents for a pet
and befriends any beast.

and


Although I know my inner child,
she doesn't know she'll become me.

For the first one, you may consider adding an adjective to the second line, just to even things up. Right now, it's a little off-balance. For the second one... the last rhythm is off, so I would suggest you saying, "she doesn't know she's me" at the end. I realize that this slightly changes the poem and makes the relationship more symbiotic than not, but I think that might be an interesting way to take the poem.

In any case, it's really cute. Well done! ^_^
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Hello!

This was such a nice poem. It was so cute! I also have an inner child, but I love to let her out sometimes. I really enjoyed reading this poem. My favorite part of the poem was this...


I do not approach her often,
wherever she may be.
Although I know my inner child,
she doesn't know she'll become me.


I loved this part! Keep writing and best of luck.
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf.




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Thanks for your reviews!

Snoink, that was actually one of my alternative endings! :lol: Those exact words! I sat for ages trying to word the last line so that it would fit the rhythm and say what I meant but ending up picking the one that I did because it got across the future aspect. I'm still thinking about it.

:)
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Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical




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I thought this poem was cute, and I loved it! you don't need to change anything to it! :wink:
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I really liked this. I didn't see any problems in it.

But You don't need the italics because what is the point?

The poem had great imagery in it, and it wasn't vague at all. At least I think so.

Feel free to pm me with any questions.

GRL
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i really love this poem, it very well may be the best piece of poetry I have ever read! It is sweet and fun. I read on your profile that "being a writer isn't practical", i think you're a great writer and should go for it!
“I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end."
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