The Tunnel

The Tunnel

Whose depths forever coil
the secret we both shared:

as we howled into the
vice of glinting darkness,
tasting passion,
folding flesh,
blinding each other
with the agony that swallowed us whole,

we coiled together our darkest desires
and unwound all our depthless fears.

Whoa, deep. I really liked it, but I couldn't find the flow.
It feels kinda meshed together, no?

Good points about it:

*nice expressions
*your words are descriptive
*the second paragraph pulls the reader in

Like I said, I really liked it, but could there maybe be more to it?

Yeah this really made me feel something, although as mentioned before it is a bit of a mish-mash lacking proper structure and shape.
However I liked the emotional quality,

Sorry I accidentally posted the last one before I had finished, I think that you should work on the shape of your fututre poems whilst retaining the same emotional qualities that this one exhibits.

I especially liked the 2nd stanza, as it is really descrpitive, and really shows off the poem to your reader's.

Looking forward to seeing more of your work:D

Hey, whoa I'm kinda tired but I just had to review this before I go to bed. This poem was great for the most part in my opinion, and the imagery really creates a sense of clastrophobia- and desire at the same time. However I agree with one of the other posts in the respect that when I read it aloud there wasn't a proper flow. At the moment it seems like a jumble of loose thoughts as opposed to a fixed poem. Anyways- I liked it.

Hope this helps,

Eimear xx

What I thought stood out in this poem was the emotion and the story. I agree that the flow could use some work, but overall I think that powerful emotions of the poem make up for that. The imagery in the poem is also very powerful, very vivid; it really adds to the presence of the poem, it helps people relate to it.

Thanks for your comments. How exactly could I improve the shape? Mesh it all into one stanza?

Gahks wrote:The Tunnel

Whose depths forever coil
the secret we both shared:

as we howled into the
vice of glinting darkness,
tasting passion,
folding flesh,
blinding each other
with the agony that swallowed us whole,

we coiled together our darkest desires you need to capitalize and need a comma
and unwound all our depthless fears.

Your missing some punctionuation errors let me see...

You need to capitalize the beginning of your sentences and add some kind of punctionuation mark or it will seem like a run on sentence.

Your poem was good keep up the good work!!

See you Later GordonRamsayLuver