Wind and Fire

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I tried my hand at non-rhyming poetry, which is normally really not me, so I'm not very sure about it.
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Wind and Fire

Your crown of molten copper ,
melts into my skin.
Playfully I’m curling
your thatch of crimson flame.

From the center oft the planet,
your ardent breath ascends,
glowing like your ruby kiss,
that sets the world ablaze.

Like Icarus I’m falling,
my heart is molten wax,
but stormily I spread my wings
my soul transcends your wrath.

I am like a tempest
and race over the sea.
the rage of fire leads my way,
I soar to raving heights.

A roaring, carmine firestorm,
burns the scarlet sin;
churns the sea
and grouts the earth
and stirs the hell within.

The flaming hunt
has scorched us both,
to ashes and dead ember,
that a soft breeze carries on its wings,
into the open sea.
Last edited by Mayfyre on Fri May 23, 2008 4:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
To find freedom in the most unlikeliest of places: at the bottom of an inkwell, on the tip of a quill.




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Wow, I say wow. Um, not much to offer in review, but I like.
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"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
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Hey Mayfyre (love the name by the way)- welcome to the young writers society! I really do hope you stick around. I'm with kyte. This really is a good begining. There's real potiental for this, and I don't say that very often. I'll just try and outline anything which I can see that might have been a problem with it:


Your crown of molten copper ,

melts into my skin.

Playfully I’m curling

your thatch of crimson flame. (Good start here, there's a great rhythm)



From the center oft he planet, (should be 'of the')

your ardent breath ascends,

glowing like your ruby kiss,

that sets the world ablaze.



Like Icarus I’m falling,

my heart is molten wax,

but stormily I spread my wings

My soul transcends your wrath. (Unnecessary capitalization of 'My')



I am like a tempest

and race over the sea. (Tense is mixed up. Should read-'I am like a tempest which races over the sea')

The rage of fire leads my way,

I soar to raving heights. (Good)



A roaring, carmine firestorm,

Burns the scarlet sin; (Unnecessary capitalization again)

Churns the sea (again)

and grouts the earth

and stirs the hell within.



The flaming hunt

Has scorched us both, (and again- it disturbs the flow you see)

to ashes and dead ember,

that a soft breeze carries on its wings,

into the open sea. (Great ending. Terrific imagery)


All in all, with a few changes here and there this could be truly brilliant. Just keep writing!

Hope and Best wishes,

Eimear
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

Oscar Wilde.




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Soo cool! awesome!
:P
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