The Witches Familiar

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2952
Reviews 136
Yvette sat in front of her vanity mirror, and played with her reflection, experimenting by making her brow less furrowed and her nose less hawk-like. Discovering what she might look like if her curls weren’t so matted, and more gold than yellow.

She was only eighteen. Even a witch has some concern about her appearance.

The door creaked open behind her. She didn’t even look around. She knew who it had to be. Her parents knew that they shouldn’t disturb her while she was working, even if it was only frivolity. Sebastian leaped onto the bed and sprawled majestically.

“What is that?” he jeered.

Yvette waved away the magic. Her own reflection scowled back at her.

“I wanted to make myself pretty,” she answered haughtily.

“You’re pretty enough as you are.”

Not enough, apparently. I still have never had a date, and I’m going to have to go to the dance alone. Again.

Sebastian yawned. “If I were fully human, I’d take you to the dance.”

“That’s very nice of you, but you are, for all intents and purposes, a cat.”

The grey and black tabby just blinked and licked a paw in dismissal. As if his inhumanity was only a technicality.

She smile and walked over to pet him. He moaned. “Oh stop that, it’s just degrading.”

“It’s only embarrassing because you enjoy it.”

She changed to scratching his ears, and he surrendered. After a moment she began musing.

“Where you serious?”

“Of course.”

“Why?”

“I like you. You’re nice to me.”

“Is that all?”

“It’s enough. Not everyone is. Nice to me, I mean.

“Has someone been cruel to you?” she exclaimed. “Tell me who and I’ll curse them so badly…”

“No. Everyone’s mostly just ignored me. You care though.”

“They don’t know you’re not a regular cat.”

“You treat Roxie the same way, and you know she’s just a dog.”

So Sebastian had noticed her affection for the family dog. Yvette frowned.

“Still, it doesn’t change anything. You’re still a cat.”

“Then make me human.”

Yvette stoped petting him.

“What?”

“It’s in your power. Turn me into a human.”

She pondered the idea. Spinning it and trying to view all sides.

“No,” she finally said.

“Why not?

“It’s weird.”

“Because I’m currently a cat?”

“Obviously. Plus you’re my familiar. We can’t date.”

“We’re already so close though.”

“That’s half the reason.”

“Please?”

The feline gazed up at her with wide, luminescent green eyes. We wasn’t kidding. Yvette had never known he actually felt this way.

“I’ll think about it.”

Sebastian’s eye’s narrowed.

“You do that.”

With that, he leapt off the bed and sauntered out of the room. Tail held high in indignation.



Wiggling her toes under the water one last time, Yvette turned of the tap. She was just starting to enjoy her bath. It had been a long week since Sebastian had made his proposal. The ornery fur ball had been badgering her about it ever since.

Finally she’d had to escape him. Yet even in her relaxation, she pondered his request. Though it didn’t seem so bizarre to her now, she still wondered if he’d actually enjoy the switch. He’d never expressed interest in it before. What had changed?

In fact, before this whole fiasco started, he had frequently expressed disdain for human things. What had changed?

Her reverie was interrupted. “How’s the water?”

“Sebastian, get out!” she shrieked, diving under the bubbles.

“Why? I’m just a curious kitty?”

“You’re not a cat!” she cried.

"Then make me human!”

She splashed him, and he took off out of the room. She only took a moment to grab a towel before chasing after him; she cornered him in her room when he tried to escape under the bed.

“You want to be human so badly?” she spat. “Fine.”

Normally she would never attempt anything like this without a heavy lode of preparation, but she was lived. Anger made up the difference made by ritual.

Suddenly a black-haired, pale skinned boy about he own age was trying to crawl back out of his hiding place. He was soaking wet, and quite unclad.

He looked up at her with the same bright green eyes.

“Fantastic.” He said. “Help me up.”

Yvette rushed to his side despite herself. What had she done? This was not how witches were supposed to react.

Sebastian was a little unsteady on his feet, he’d only ever walked on four legs, but he made it to the vanity.

“You did a wonderful job Yvette,” he told her, examining his reflection with a prideful eye.

“Be quite and get some cloths on.”

“I could say the same to you.”

She blushed furiously, and scowled at him as she went to find herself a robe, and maybe some pants for her familiar.



Sebastian took surprisingly well to being human. Better than Yvette’s parent’s anyway, who knew she was a witch and really should have gotten used to things like this by now. She supposed he’d learned a lot during the years. They’d been together since she was thirteen.

What really surprised Yvette was her reaction to him. This was her familiar, her closest companion and confident for all those years, and yet he was different. He was a young man. An attractive young man.

He turned those glistening green eyes on her and she felt herself losing sight of what he really was. He must have known she was hesitant, so he decided to make the first move.

“So, can I take you to the dance?”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not real! None of it’s real, this is just an illusion!”

“So was the cat!”

Yvette blinked. Sebastian sighed. “I’m sorry, I should have explained earlier, but I wanted to see if you’d turn me first. It’s true that I’m not really human, but I wasn’t really a cat either. I’m not anything really.”

“What were you before we met.?”

“I can’t remember. I don’t know if I existed before you needed me to. Which means I can be anything you want be to be.”

Yvette was still torn. She wasn’t sure if this revelation made anything better. Certainly it could all go very wrong. Witches don’t date their familiars.

“You have lovely eyes.” He distracted her.

“What?”

“When you were changing your reflection, I forgot to tell you that you were already pretty, because you already have gorgeous eyes.”

“This is wrong,” she told him.

“No it’s not. This is how it was meant to be.”

She giggled and ran her fingers through his hair.
“Oh, please don’t” he protested, listlessly when she began to scratch behind his ears.

“Oh I will. I’m still your master, and I can do with you what I choose.”

Then she kissed his nose.

“I’m forever your servant, my lady,” he said before kissing her on the
mouth. “Your servant and your familiar.”




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 168
Yvette sat in front of her vanity mirror, and played with her reflection, experimenting by making her brow less furrowed and her nose less hawk-like.
-- This feels awkward. Instead say, Yvette sat in front of her vanity mirror and played with her reflection. Trying to make her brow less furrowed and her nose less hawlike was a challenge.
[s]Discovering what she might look like if her curls weren’t so matted, and more gold than yellow.[/s]
This just doesn't fit very well, and it's a fragment.

She was only eighteen. Even a witch has some concern about her appearance.
Even a witch has to be concerned with her appearance.


“Where you serious?”
Were you serious?

“Of course.”

“Why?”

“I like you. You’re nice to me.”

“Is that all?”

“It’s enough. Not everyone is. Nice to me, I mean.

“Has someone been cruel to you?” she exclaimed. “Tell me who and I’ll curse them so badly…”

“No. Everyone’s mostly just ignored me. You care though.”

“They don’t know you’re not a regular cat.”

“You treat Roxie the same way, and you know she’s just a dog.”

So Sebastian had noticed her affection for the family dog. Yvette frowned.

“Still, it doesn’t change anything. You’re still a cat.”

“Then make me human.”
-- Dialogue is good but you really lneed to try and weave action and descritpion. Long blocks of dialogue can sometimes be hard to follow. Also people don't really just stand around talking, sometimes they fidget. Maybe the cat purrs. Maybe she looks at the window as she's speaking or back in disgust at her appearance in the mirror.

She pondered the idea. [s]Spinning it and trying to view all sides[/s].
Show us what she's thinking when you say spinning it and trying to view all sides. Maybe instead say, she paused biting her lip. Magic was hard to begin with and such a complicated spell could go horribly wrong. She shivered/
“No,” she finally said.

“Why not?

“It’s weird.”

“Because I’m currently a cat?”

“Obviously. Plus you’re my familiar. We can’t date.”

“We’re already so close though.”
-- This doesn't seem as serious as it should be. I suggest you give the serious reasons first for not turning him into a cat and then say Plus, it's weird.

Wiggling her toes under the water one last time, Yvette turned of the tap. She was just starting to enjoy her bath. It had been a long week since Sebastian had made his proposal. The ornery fur ball had been badgering her about it ever since.
-- this was too much of a quick jump into a new setting and paragraph. Maybe put stars above this paragraph so we know that there's a pause and a week has gone by. Or instead say, A long week had passed since Sebastian made his proposal. Yvette sighed, wiggling her toes under the water one last tim.


Why? I’m just a curious kitty?”
-- This is a little too corny. Maybe just say Why?

I skimmed through the rest. You have very interesting ideas here! I like your characters a lot! Here are a few additional suggestions:
1) You seemed to rush through the entire story. You didn't let us get into Yvette's head. You even seemed to rush through the part where Yvette turns the cat into a boy. What happened? Did she murmur a spell? Was there a flash of light? It all just seemed a little rushed.
2) Try to show not tell. Describe your surroundings, how Yvette feels, what she smells, what she thinks what she sees. Show the audience because by showing, you pull us into your world.
3) Watch out for the long segments of dialogue. Characters, like people, can walk and talk too, so make sure they are doing more than just talking with one another, weave in actions and thoughts.

Other than that, keep up the good work! If you have questions or would like me to review a revised version of this, PM me! :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 14170
Reviews 571
Leahweird,

Witches and their familiars, aye? Well, we’ll see what you’ve got in store for me… :)



Quote:
Discovering what she might look like if her curls weren’t so matted, and more gold than yellow.

Something is missing in the above sentence, no? The rhythm, and structure, make me expect something. An action, after that comma.


Quote:
Yvette sat in front of her vanity mirror, and played with her reflection, experimenting by making her brow less furrowed and her nose less hawk-like.

Here you can elaborate, with her being a witch.


Quote:
“That’s very nice of you, but you are, for all intents and purposes, a cat.”

Haha.


Quote;
“Where you serious?”

Add that to the paragraph before. Where - were.


Quote:
We wasn’t kidding.

“We”?


Quote:
“You do that.”
With that, he leapt off the bed and sauntered out of the room. Tail held high in indignation.

No line breaks needed, really. All in one line would be okay.


Quote:
What had changed?

Repetition in good faith, I gather, yet emphasize that second one. Add: “just”, or something of the sort.


Quote:
Anger made up the difference made by ritual.

You can rephrase to get rid of the second made.


Quote:
“Fantastic.” He said. “Help me up.”

“Fantastic,” he said.


Quote:
Yvette rushed to his side despite herself. What had she done? This was not how witches were supposed to react.
Elaborate!
[b]

Quote:
Sebastian was a little unsteady on his feet, he’d only ever walked on four legs, but he made it to the vanity.

Run-on. Split and/or rephrase.


Quote:
“You did a wonderful job Yvette,” he told her,

Comma before name.


Quote:
“Be quite and get some cloths on.”

Quite - quiet?


Quote:
She blushed furiously, and scowled at him as she went to find herself a robe, and maybe some pants for her familiar.

Wait a second. Wasn’t she in a bath? Did she just get up in his presence? After all that furious blushing? Don’t rush it so!


Quote:
“What were you before we met.?”

No period.


Quote:
“You have lovely eyes.” He distracted her.

Comma before ending quotes, and “He” in minors.


Quote:
“I’m forever your servant, my lady,” he said before kissing her on the
mouth. “Your servant and your familiar.

No line breaks.


Okay, onward to impressions, likes slash dislikes.


CAREFUL, CAREFUL…

-> Harmony between dialogue and descriptions, and lack of thereof. Seriously. I loved the dialogue, though as it’s not the place, I’m not going to elaborate at the moment, but I’m unsatisfied as far as description is concerned. It starts out nicely, with a normal paragraph, but somewhere along the way, that disappears. I’m not saying that I want 5-9 sentences in each paragraph - nothing like that. Keep some with less - or rather, make some - and don’t discard all the only dialogue sentences, but it’s crucial that you add more description, more dialogue. As it is - even with the awesome dialogue - your story feels incomplete.

-> As much as I nag you about having too much line breaks, you need to separate the first part from the one when she finds herself in a bath. Line break, or asterisks, or whatever you wish, o that it doesn’t come as a jolt, and the reader doesn’t have to figure out what happened.

-> When she turns him human. Big, big lack of details. I want you to tell me - no, show - how she did that! I want details! No, I demand them!

-> Rushing, and the inconsistencies that come with it. The bath tub incident can be a good example, though I’ve already had my little rant. But descirption, details - those really slow (in a good way!) down the pace of the story, though it’s not only for that that they are needed.

-> Her being a witch. Nice. She’s a witch - cool. But it’s an important aspect of the story, and I feel you need to emphasize that more. E.g., the beginning - how does she do it? Incantations? Point a something with her finger? There was nothing whatsoever about that! And her changing him into a human being…




FANTASTIC!

-> First of all, your dialogue. I must say that I absolutely loves it. It flowed very, very well, and was very, very smooth and realistic.

-> MC - Sebastian interactions. They made me laugh at some points, which gives you cores and scores of additional points in the crit - that last bit just doesn’t count, as I’d like more details there. And descriptions.

-> The story itself I liked, and enjoyed. It was a quick, entertaining read, and I really do look forward to reading future installments.

-> Title! "Witches"? Or "Witch's"?

Cheers,
Esme




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 96
Hi,
I liked this story. :) The romance was so cute! :D

But, I would have liked to know a little more about Yvette. A little description of physical features and a little more of her personality would've been nice, I think.

Still, good job!! :)
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

When you're being nice to your character, you're being bad to your book.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 4
I don't know...I'm not really liking this story or the spelling. It kind of sounds like Sabrina the teenage witch.
You craysee!.? Me, do, too, use, correct english fool.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 15
Cute romance! An original twist on the concept of witches and their familiars.

My questions are: When is this set? Modern times or Ye Olde Medieval Tymes?

Also what is the dance for? A prom or celebration of some sort?

We need to see more of Yvette's Witchy-ness. Describe how she does her magic, her personality and also what she looks like in a more detailed manner.

You could easily add in some sight/smell/touch description in the bath scene by describing those things. Did her bubble bath smell nice? Were the bubbles all pretty? Was the water warm? You get my drift :)

I look forward to reading more!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Graffito

It made me LOLums




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2952
Reviews 136
These are some of the best reveiws I've ever recieved. I'm going to overhaul this peice fairly soon, since you pointed out some glaring issues.
Thankyou so much.



A beautiful funeral doesn't guarantee Heaven.
— Haitian Proverb