A Short Story: "Voices"

I wrote this a couple of years ago for a school assignment. One of my teachers was rather impressed. I hope you enjoy it and please leave some honest feedback/suggestions afterwards. Thanks.


Voices

“… I know it’s Friday night, I’m sorry honey- I’ve got so much to do; you should see my desk it’s piled high with paperwork, and lots of documents are still coming through on the fax machine Claire. See you later then, I’ll find something later so don’t worry about my dinner; bye sweetheart, bye.” Daniel signed heavily and put the phone down; his office was absolute chaos, he had tried so hard to keep it in order but all the pressure of clients, accounts and files was too much and had got him in a dreadful state. He put his head in his hands then began filing away some of the documents into his in and out trays. Inside his workplace the computer was humming busily and was still receiving emails from clients, the air con unit was buzzing and the fax machine was still churning through information. The dim lighting made Daniel tired and the constant moaning of the machinery made his head throb.
Underneath Daniel’s office was the chip shop- the smell of deep fried chips and battered cod was still wafting through his agency and the babble of it’s staff and customers continued – often until late hours of the night. The warmth of its ovens kept his office warm in the bitter and icy winters, but in the summer he hated it and wished his company could be anywhere but here.
Whilst Daniel hurriedly located homes for the remaining files the phone started ring. It was 11:30 so it couldn’t be a work call, Daniel didn’t really wanted to be interrupted because he wanted to get home as soon as possible; but he answered it in case it was Claire.
“Good evening, this is Mr. D Radfodd at Radfodd detection agency co. how may I help you?” greeted Daniel as politely as he could whilst being so exhausted. There were a few seconds of heavy breathing before the caller said, “Where are you? I have been waiting.”
“Sorry? May I ask who is calling?” Daniel enquired suspiciously; the caller hung up. Strange thought Dan, oh well it was probably just a stupid hoax call. He rubbed his forehead with his clammy hand before entering his password on the computer and checking his emails as he always did before he left the office in case of any last minute adjustments to his cases. He had received a new email- sender, unknown. It read:

To: danielradfodda@starmail.com

Where are you
Meet me
I have been waiting

Daniel was slightly worried, a stranger had used his phone number and email address to contact him and tell him the same thing. Relax, he told himself stop panicking; you are just tired.
Eventually Mr. Radfodd decided he had done enough and packed up his emerald leather brief case with outstanding memos for recent cases and then pulled on his blazer before locking his office. As he turned the key in the lock a document slipped out of his case; he picked it up of the floor he noticed he hadn’t seen this one before; it read:

Where are you?
Meet me
I have been waiting

Daniel sped down the stairs and ran to his car; he was really frightened now- could this just be a coincidence? It couldn’t be- surely? Breathless, Daniel sat silently in his car trying to recover and wondering who it was that wanted to meet him. Suddenly his mobile rang and he leaped into the air with surprise- was it the stranger again? He looked at the caller’s name, it was Claire!
“Hi” he sighed with relief.
“Where are you? I need to meet you” said the dark and eerie voice again. Dan realised it wasn’t Claire; he pulled up the courage and said,
“Who is speaking?” there was a long pause.
“Your friend” it couldn’t be, could it? Which of his friends had a voice like that? He thought. Harry. That is who it sounded like.
“Harry?” he asked, now terrified
“Yes”
Daniel hung up.





Harry White had died five years ago.

The actual story is pretty poor but I quite like some of the description.

Hey.

In general, I like the idea of this. However, as you seem to be aware of, this needs work.

I don't have much time but I wanted to point out a few things. You really need to work on your punctuation, and watch your run-on sentences. Your flow is jerky at times. This could be enjoyable if you would just tie up those loose ends.

Your last line was the best thing about this piece, I felt. Just so you know.

Keep writing.

Thanks KJ

JennaLL,

Welcome to YWS, aye? T’is a most wonderful sight, but very addicting. Anyway, to your story - my crits are as follows: first is the line-by-line one (read: nitpicks), and then’ll come any impressions, likes and disliked that I might want to share. Onward, then.



Quote:
you should see my desk it’s piled high with paperwork, and lots of documents are still coming through on the fax machine Claire.
Er, what? It’s like two (or more?) sentences have been jammed into one. Up to the semicolon it was alright, but went astray after. Rephrase. And I don’t suppose that the fax machine is called “Claire”?


Quote:
bye sweetheart, bye.”
Comma.


Quote:
Daniel signed heavily and put the phone down; his office was absolute chaos, he had tried so hard to keep it in order but all the pressure of clients,
The rest of the sentence is fine, so I’ll leave that out. However, signed - sighed? Also, that’s the third semicolon in one paragraph… be careful not to over use it. It’s nice and pretty useful, but gets irritating if used continuously. The part after the semicolon is run-on, meaning, there is no linking word. There’s a comma, yes, but it does not do match. It’s just there and is desperately trying to mend things, but all in vain. Consider (mind, this is only an example - you do whatever you want!): “(…) his office was absolute chaos, even though he had tried very hard to keep it in order. But the pressure of clients (…)”


Quote:
Inside his workplace the computer was humming busily and was still receiving emails from clients, the air con unit was buzzing and the fax machine was still churning through information.
Comma after “workplace”, and run on, again (the air con part). Consider either rephrasing, or splitting.


Quote:
Underneath Daniel’s office was the chip shop- the smell of deep fried chips and battered cod was still wafting through his agency and the babble of it’s staff and customers continued – often until late hours of the night.
Okay, if we take out the part in the hyphens, then what do we have: “Underneath Daniel’s office was the chip shop of until late ours of the nigh.” Something is missing there, no?


Quote:
It was 11:30 so it couldn’t be a work call, Daniel didn’t really wanted to be interrupted because he wanted to get home as soon as possible; but he answered it in case it was Claire.
Run-on!

Quote:
“Good evening, this is Mr. D Radfodd at Radfodd detection agency co. how may I help you?” greeted Daniel as politely as he could whilst being so exhausted.
The name of the company should be capitalized, and a comma needs to be added. I don’t like the sounds of “whilst being so exhausted”. You have “whilst” a tad bit up, and the fact that that inscribed itself in my mind does not help. Rephrase, slightly?


Quote:
There were a few seconds of heavy breathing before the caller said, “Where are you? I have been waiting.”
Separate paragraph, that.


Quote:
Strange thought Dan, oh well it was probably just a stupid hoax call.
Insights on the MC’s thoughts are always nice, but comma after “strange”. Perhaps italicize?


Quote:
Daniel was slightly worried, a stranger had used his phone number and email address to contact him and tell him the same thing.
Run-on!


Quote:
As he turned the key in the lock a document slipped out of his case; he picked it up of the floor he noticed he hadn’t seen this one before; it read:
Comma after lock. “As he picked it up from the floor (…). And to semicolons so very needed?


Quote:
Dan realised it wasn’t Claire; he pulled up the courage and said,
“Who is speaking?” there was a long pause.
Why separate paragraphs?
[b]

Quote:
“Your friend” it couldn’t be, could it?
Comma, and upper case “it”.



Well, that would be the end of the nitpicks. Time for impressions.


CAREFUL, CAREFUL…

-> Run-ons are definitely a problem. They really do confuse the reader sometimes, and thus make it a harder read.

-> Punctuation. Commas!

-> Overuse of semicolons. Yes, that fits in the above, but it had to have a separate point.

-> The email ought to stand out more. Italics? E.g., the note is cool (or the beginning is).


FANTASTIC!

-> Most definitely the title. It caught my eye, which is good, aye?

-> I actually clicked on the mail. Yes, Esme is naïve.

-> Ending. That was rather cool.




Cheers,
Esme

I'm not sure I found this very interesting. It wasn't frightening, and it was pretty boring, to be honest.

Daniel signed heavily and put the phone down; his office was absolute chaos, he had tried so hard to keep it in order but all the pressure of clients, accounts and files was too much and had got him in a dreadful state. He put his head in his hands then began filing away some of the documents into his in and out trays. Inside his workplace the computer was humming busily and was still receiving emails from clients, the air con unit was buzzing and the fax machine was still churning through information. The dim lighting made Daniel tired and the constant moaning of the machinery made his head throb.
Underneath Daniel’s office was the chip shop- the smell of deep fried chips and battered cod was still wafting through his agency and the babble of it’s staff and customers continued – often until late hours of the night. The warmth of its ovens kept his office warm in the bitter and icy winters, but in the summer he hated it and wished his company could be anywhere but here.

How much of this do we really need to know? How much can be re-written in a more interesting way. I'll help you out a bit now, but you'll have to do some of the work yourself.

Daniel signed heavily and put the phone down; his office was absolute chaos, he had tried so hard to keep it in order but all the pressure of clients, accounts and files was too much and had got him in a dreadful state.

Big long sentence here. And it's a bit confusing. How 'bout...

Daniel sighed heavily and put the phone down. His office was chaos, despite his best efforts to keep it clean.

See? That's all we really need to know.

The warmth of its ovens kept his office warm in the bitter and icy winters, but in the summer he hated it and wished his company could be anywhere but here.

I'll do this bit as well, but that's all. Now, I liked this paragraph until the but. Let's try this...

but in the summer, it heated up the office to horrible temperatures. Daniel couldn't stand the sweating, and often wished the comany would just move.

Not brilliant, but a bit better.



The last bit... Well, I know it's supposed to be scary, but it isn't. It's quite boring, really. There's no descripption and your lack of puncuation is really annoying. I'm afraid I can't really help you with the scary bit, but I can give you some general tips.

Description- Nobody likes to read a piece that's all telling no showing. That is what this is, and it's boring.

Pacing- Everything happens way to fast. We don't get a chance to become scared because it phone call email phone call dead. There's no breaks, no time to think about it.

As for your puncuation, I'll give you an example.

“Where are you? I need to meet you”

A lot of people here do this, and it's really annoying. Put some form of puncuation after the you. Then it's look much beter, and certainly more professional.


Well, tht's all I have time for. PM me if you have any questions, and srry if I was a bit harsh.

Good luck!

Ok well thanks for the comments;
(“Where are you? I need to meet you”) - About putting punctuation after "you", I was told I was advised not to, so I took the tip.