Totems 5

It's been a while since I've been on, but I've been reviewing again now, and decided to post this. It is a continuation of Seal's story. I realize that it is much shorter than the previous three, and lacks the plot.

Line-by-line reviews or just overall comments would be appreciated.

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Totems 5, Seal

My feet slap the pavement as I run, panting slightly. My slacks are getting dirty, but I try not to notice. It is getting dark quickly, but I might still make it. A large cloud has blown in, and the wind is beginning to pick up. Strands of loose hair whip in my face, and I use one of my hands to push back my bangs. Far off down the road, I can see the village, lights glowing faintly inside. I skid on some loose rocks, regaining my balance with difficulty and slowing to a walk. A fat drop of rain lands on my head, and I look up at the sky apprehensively. It is a dark blue-ish black, and the sun has already gone out of sight. The humidity has made my silk shirt is stick to the back of my neck, and I shift my shoulders uncomfortably.

The hill is steep, and as the rain begins to fall I have to pick my way carefully down the slope, trying not to slip on the loose gravel. The skies have truly opened up now, and my hair is getting wet. I try not to think what I will look like, arriving soaking wet and late to the party. I pass under an over-hanging pine tree, and I splutter as a torrent of ever-green smelling water is dumped on my head. Careful not to brush against any more branches, I continue.

At the bottom of the hill, I take shelter under the eaves of one of the stores, shivering in my light silk blouse. I shake the rain water off my arms. I am completely soaked, but that it the least of my worries. I was supposed to meet my parents at the party, and they would be getting worried right about now. I glance across the muddy street through the sheets of rain. I can see people drifting back and forth behind the windows, and hear the quiet murmur or conversation.

The rain is loud on the roof of the building I am standing under. I wait uncertainly for a few minutes, listening to my hair dripping down my back. Then there is a lull in the storm, and I dart out through the blackness across the street, avoiding the potholes, and resting again by the back door of the town hall. The sound of voices has gotten louder, so I wait for a few more minutes, hesitating to open the door.

The handle turns, and I hear someone call out to someone inside. I duck into the shadows by the wall hurriedly, and a middle-aged woman comes out, still talking loudly. I shrink back, trying to make myself as quiet and small as possible. She walks off, and I slip inside quickly. Inside the door is a small kitchen, which, luckily for me, is currently vacant. Creeping stealthily over the cold tiles of the floor, I come to wooden door. I turn the handle slowly, and find that the door opens into a short hall. I can see the people at the other end, laughing and talking to each other. They haven’t seen me yet, so I duck into one of the doors. It is the bathroom! I lock the door behind me and head for the mirror. It is big enough so I can see down to my waist, and I comb through my wet hair until I am satisfied. I still feel very wet, but I think that no one would be able to tell unless they accidentally brushed against me. Except for my hair; which is dripping and obviously wet. I stick my head under the hand-dryer, closing my eyes as the hot air blows into my hair. I stay there for a few minutes, pushing the button whenever the airflow stops. As I straighten, someone knocks on the door.

“Just a minute!” I call, hoping it isn’t someone who would recognize my voice. Glancing quickly into the mirror, I see that my hair is dry enough to avoid suspicion. The humidity has made it curl up as I dried it, and now it hangs down in ringlets around my face. I give my reflection a short smile and then open the door. I don’t see anyone outside, so I stick my head out and look around. Maybe if I can mingle with the party at the opportune moment, no one will notice my arrival. Then a flash of movement catches my eye, and I look around to see my mother walking towards me.

Hi, Canis!

Far off down the road, I can see the village, lights glowing faintly inside.

--Inside what? Maybe I'm just being dull, but I think you should specify.

I am completely soaked, but that it the least of my worries.

--"it" should be "is."

The handle turns, and I hear someone call out to someone inside.

This is a matter of opinion, but I think it would flow better if you said "...calling out to someone ELSE..."

Creeping stealthily over the cold tiles of the floor, I come to wooden door.

I think you mean "a wooden door." Also, this isn't super-serious, but I don't like the repetition of "floor/door."

Except for my hair; which is dripping and obviously wet.

I'm not 100% sure (and therefore probably wrong) but I think that's incorrect use of a semi-colon and that it should just be a comma. I think a semi-colon is supposed to be something you use to connect what would grammatically be two sentences. But as I said before, I'm probably wrong. *shrug*
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Before I gush, I'll tell you what I didn't like:

One thing I didn't like was that this whole piece has an "I do this, I do that" kind of feel. I know this is hard to avoid when writing in the present tense (especially in first person). I will touch on this later on.

Another one of your major problems in this piece is repetition. You really need to watch out for repetition because it can make your writing (which is otherwise gorgeous) tiresome to read.

One way it tends to happen to you is sentence structure repetition. For example:

My slacks are getting dirty, but I try not to notice. It is getting dark quickly, but I might still make it. A large cloud has blown in, and the wind is beginning to pick up. Strands of loose hair whip in my face, and I use one of my hands to push back my bangs.

--These sentences have the exact same structure (first two: [something] GETTING [something] BUT I DO [something]. Second two: [action] AND [action]) AND they're right next to each other. In fact, you do the second one ([action] AND [action]) so much throughout the piece that it got kind of annoying. Not very, but just kind of.

Here's another way -- first word repetition. For example:

I shake the rain water off my arms. I am completely soaked, but that it the least of my worries. I was supposed to meet my parents at the party, and they would be getting worried right about now. I glance across the muddy street through the sheets of rain. I can see people drifting back and forth behind the windows, and hear the quiet murmur or conversation.

--All the sentences in this example begin with "I." This also adds to the "I do this, I do that" problem.


But overall, this is a beautifully written story. There is just the right amount of description, not too much which would weigh down the rest of your writing, and not too little, so that we have no idea what anything looks like. You could use use a little description through the mirror scene, to show us what she looks like, but it's not necessary.

Another thing I like is how you discreetly show us her personality. It's subtle, but hey -- not everyone is eccentric. She seems a little obsessed with her looks and what people think of her, and probably a little vain (by the way she smiles at her reflection). You might want to add a tad more of that, actually, but it's not needed either.

Overall, I really like it. And I hope this review helps somehow. Be sure to PM me if you have questions/comments or WHEN YOU POST MORE. Lol.

Talk to you later, luv!
~Azila~

Thanks!

I'll try an edit for the repetative stuff, as well as the typoes.

I did want her to be vain, and hopefully that will become more apparent in later chapters.

Thanks again for your review!

~L