My Poem: Walls

Walls

The hostile harshness of the
Wall was threatening
The faces glared
Sneering at me
Him lying beside me
Told me to crinkle my nose
To contort my face
To point my tongue snake-like at them
Faces faded
Fell into the gloom between my bed and the wall

Walls are threatening
Faces always glare
Sneering at her
He is not beside her
She may crinkle her nose
Contort her face
Point her tongue like a weapon
He cannot make the faces fade

No longer can Daddy end
The nightmares of reality
The problems of life
The lack of time
More fierce faces erupt from
Ever growing walls
Taking root in her life

Bursting with gargoyles
The stretching tips chill
Remember what Daddy said
He’s with you now
Scare them away
With your innocent face
Make them understand

Hey, and welcome to YWS! Just remember to take a look at the rules and guidelines- and that there is a ratio of 2:1= 2 reviews to every poem you post. That way everyone gets a good chance of reviews, you know?

Ok, a few things here. The overall concept of 'walls' is good but.....


1. Structure. It's not strong enough to carry the piece. A would perhaps suggest losing the stanzas? It might flow better as one, continuous poem.

2. Capitalization. You don't need to have a capital letter for every new letter on a new line expect in the case of it being after a full stop.

3. Punctuation. There is none. This makes it very hard to read.

4. Telling, not showing. You need to focus on trying to not shove the emotions in the poem down the reader's throat. Doing this defeats the purpose of poetry. We need stronger imagery in this. The repetition doesn't help either.

I hope this helps, and that you don't think I'm being too harsh. But this is my honest opinion, and I really do think you've got something here if you revise certain points. I'm usually knocking around the poetry forums if you need to PM me for tips.

Hope and Best Wishes,

Eimear

Eimear,

Thanks, that's not harsh! That's honest.

The idea just got me writing and I understand it needs a large amount of re-structuring. Your tips can help me to focus on particular parts.

You've got some nice ideas and images here. I had no trouble understanding what it was about, which is a trap you can easily fall into with poetry. Eimear is right about the punctuation, though. It really needs it to make it flow better. Once we know exactly where the pauses and such are, it will probably flow very nicely.

The haiku-lover that I am, it is a little long for my tastes. Condensing the ideas might be benecifical.

And welcome to the Society. I hope you like it here.

Thanks for the advice