Refuge

Refuge

A soft peace emanated from the sailboat. Resting in bobbing waters, its lonely sail was loose and easy in a gentle day’s breeze.

She trusted her fingers to their task – to perfect the shaded colors of a mysterious sea, to apply layers of color and texture, giving life to the painted scene.

And to her, the scene really was alive and tangible. An escape, a comfort, a place of total solace. She could tear herself away from the chaos of life and renew herself in gentle currents. In the lonely waters, she was deaf to his requests, blind to his pleading eyes. So long as a brush was poised in her hand, she was at rest miles away, dreaming on weathered planks.

Distantly, a small voice requested her presence. Her reverie began to slip away, like water held in her hands. Her name sounded again, with a wiggle of the door knob. She set her paints down.

Land legs acquired and eyes of reality remembered, she stole one last look at the painting. No longer a refuge met her eyes, but a half talented diversion. Artistic skill, she knew, would never truly carry her away from this crazy life. The responsibility of having another depend on her could never be shed so easily.

She opened the door, smiling down at the excited little boy waiting outside, clutching a crayon depiction, and she understood that escape was not truly what she desired at all.

nickelodeon wrote:
A soft peace emanated from the sailboat. This is a nice image. Resting in bobbing waters, its lonely sail was loose and easy in a gentle day’s breeze.

She trusted her fingers to their task – to perfect the shaded colors of a mysterious sea, to apply layers of color and texture, giving life to the painted scene.

And to her, the scene really was alive and tangible. Use an active verb, not stative. An escape, a comfort, a place of total solace. I like non-standard sentences. She could tear herself away from the chaos of life and renew herself in gentle currents. In the lonely waters, she was deaf to his requests, blind to his pleading eyes. So long as a brush was poised in her hand, she was at rest miles away, dreaming on weathered planks. Make these verbs active!

Distantly, a small voice requested her presence. Her reverie began to slip away, like water held in her hands. Her name sounded again, with a wiggle of the door knob. She set her paints down.

Land legs acquired and eyes of reality remembered, she stole one last look at the painting. No longer a refuge met her eyes, but a half talented diversion. Artistic skill, she knew, would never truly carry her away from this crazy life. The responsibility of having another depend on her could never be shed so easily. Again, turn this around!

She opened the door, smiling down at the excited little boy waiting outside, clutching a crayon depiction, and she understood that escape was not truly what she desired at all.

This is a good start. You use some really nice imagery, but as I have pointed out above, you use far too many 'was/were' expressions and passives. Either cut them out or make them active! Active writing is SHOWING; it pulls you into the story. Passive writing is telling.

I know that this is a common problem for novices but I'm sure you will soon sort this out. Keep writing, keep redrafting, and you're well on your way to finding your true writer's voice.

Well done. 6/10

Hello! Lovely imagery you've got here. But I'll go into that more later -- nitpicks first.

She trusted her fingers to their task – to perfect the shaded colors of a mysterious sea, to apply layers of color and texture, giving life to the painted scene.

--Shouldn't that be "...fingers to DO their task...?"

She opened the door, smiling down at the excited little boy waiting outside, clutching a crayon depiction, and she understood that escape was not truly what she desired at all.

--This is over-wordiness, I think. If I were you, I'd just say "...what she wanted at all."
________________

Overall, there is some really beautiful description here, but I agree with Gahks: try to use active verbs. For example:

So long as a brush was poised in her hand, she was at rest miles away, dreaming on weathered planks.

This would be "So long as a brush was perched in her hand, she rested miles away, dreaming on weathered planks."

It isn't an urgent problem, or distracting when reading, but I suggest you put a little time into working on it.

Another thing is that I'm not sure I understand who the boy is. I think it's her son, or something, but you might want to clarify that?

Also, I would read through the whole thing out loud or under your breath. This will help you with the flow. You have some really pretty sentences, but some of them just sound kind of strange. For example:

Resting in bobbing waters, its lonely sail was loose and easy in a gentle day’s breeze.

Something about "was loose and easy in a gentle day's breeze" just sounds awkward to me. You have a lot of information in this sentence (the resting quality of the boat, the bobbing quality of the water, the easy quality of the sail, and the gentle quality of the breeze), try spreading it out among two or three.

I think that is a common mistake in descriptive pieces: people cram in the metaphors/similes/imagery. Smooth it out! Make the words flow like water over a reader's tongue.


Other than that, I thought this was a beautiful piece. I kept wanting to just read it, and not focus on grammar-nitpicky things. That's a good thing. I think it's important with any art that the viewer/listener/etc be able to focus on the artistry, and not the mechanics. Anyway... I'm rambling.

If you have questions/comments about my review PM me!

Hope this helps.
~Azila~

Hi there! I think I've seen you around YWS once or twice, but I don't think I've ever properly introduced myself. My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. ^^

Gadzooks, I can't find the movable quick reply! Ah well. Back to the olden days.

A soft peace emanated from the sailboat. Resting in bobbing waters, its lonely sail was loose and easy in a gentle day’s breeze.

This is a nice start, but can you expand on it a little bit? I'm sure there's more to the boat than just its sail. Describe it a bit more -- the paint colour, the name, the size, stuff like that.

She trusted her fingers to their task – to perfect the shaded colors of a mysterious sea, to apply layers of color and texture, giving life to the painted scene.

Again, a nice start, but you can definitely do the same thing as above. Sensory description, love!

No longer a refuge met her eyes, but a half talented diversion.

This is worded a bit odd -- it took me a few read throughs to figure out what you meant. And I'm still not entirely sure if I do understand. Try, "What met her eyes was no longer a refuge, but a half-talented diversion." Or something of the type.

Artistic skill, she knew, would never truly carry her away from this crazy life. The responsibility of having another depend on her could never be shed so easily.

Mmm, yay for telling and boring the bejeebus out of me. This would be better towards the end or completely rewritten for more showing than telling.

Aww, a cute little story. Not terribly much to say in the way of criticisms, except that you could expand on your descriptions a bit, to really suck your reader into this little flash fiction. I've pointed all of that out above.

Overall, a nice, sweet little piece. Good description (but could use a bit more), nice imagery. Pleasant and refreshing. Well done.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate