Chapter one AGB

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AGB

CHAPTER ONE!
By: Josh G.

Down through the snowy, winding never-ending tree roads south of Boston lays a small town called Lakeville. It’s a quaint town, usually quiet peaceful and untouched.


The snow passed from town to town leaving its soft white blanket of snow on anything it could touch. The roads covered with patches of ice, the trees sat in a never-ending death, nothing moved. Nothing stirred it was quiet. This is what Kara loved. She stood alone in the night; there was no one around.


As she thought to herself, the snow trickled down through the trees onto her shoulders and hat. She was only out for a couple minutes and already was ready to head in. She could feel the cold nights chill reach the tips of her fingers and knew it would work its way through her. She opened her eyes for just a second to see what’s happening around her. She blinked twice to remove the cool snow from her eyelashes and began to move her arms. She brushed off the snow and stretched. As she lifted her right foot she could feel the snowfall into her boot. Her foot pushed against the snow creating a quiet crunch, she lifted her left foot and repeated. Walking through the hard snow with the snow blowing in her face something stirred.


Immediately she stopped. Her nerves jumped, something was not right she could feel it. She looked frantically around her. Thoughts ran through her head nothing could stop the fear tingling inside her. It rustled again. This time it sounded closer and more violent. Her heart leapt. Once again it came closer and closer. A branch snapped and what she saw was nothing more than a simple woodland animal. A small squirrel passed by covered in snow, with its ribs being shown completely. ‘Poor squirrel.’ Kara thought. With her nerves calmed once more she began to walk. As the trees past and the lights of the houses and street lamps began to be seen, she took out her cell phone to call her home.


With quivering cold hands she reached into her pocket and removed an old cell phone. She was quick to press the keys and was calling her house in a matter of seconds. The sound of the ring sounded twice before a person picked up the phone.

“Hello?” said a distinguished voice.



“Hey, mom I’m coming home now.” Kara said

“Ok hunny I’ll put your supper in the microwave.”


Kara heard the phone click on the receiver and hung up. On her phones screen lit up that it took 0:31 seconds of calling time. As Kara continued fighting against the snow and wind thoughts of her new boyfriend came into her mind. She had just met him the other day and already knew he was the one. He was funny smart and kind. When she was sad he was there for her and when she was happy it was because he was around. He left notes on her locker and car all the time and she only thanked that there were still kind boys left in the world. Although they were hard to come across there still some left.


Realization sprung back into her as a small house came into view. It was a small house with overgrown grass, broken window shutters, cracks in the driveway and an old swing set that could never be swung on again. It was only left for the ghosts of the owners past to be used. She walked up the drive way with thoughts of a warm diner and a warm blanket around her as she sat watching the late rerun TV shows. The snow started to get thinner as she began to enter the driveway until she feel upon a nice cleared driveway that some nice neighbor plowed for them.


Her footsteps were hard against the cold ice frozen cement. As she walked, her breath left from her lips over her shoulder and gently drifting away never to be found again. She walked to the near end of the driveway until she reached the turning point for the brick walk way. Her pace quickened and she finally reached the front porch.


A gentle breeze came upon her as she turned the cold dark door handle. The old rotten door opened slowly and she stepped inside. The warmth of the house in filled her. She felt warmer and welcomed.


Her home was a smaller old house. Her parents lived with her although they fought continuous. She had her own bedroom atop the second floor. As so did her sister Sam. The living room was connected to the dining room and was all ways cramped. They never hosted a party for fear that something would break as so the house was not big enough to fit their family alone. Rusty, a golden retriever that was about 6 years old now, came rushing up to see Kara as she entered into the house. The other family members treated Rusty horribly and Kara was the only one that took care of the poor animal.


Kara looked upon the walls noticing the nick-nacs that her mother was so proud of more so of them then Kara or Sam. There wasn’t much else on the walls other than a few painting or a poster or two. There was a sent in the air of something that was probably burring and Kara guessed that it was just another of her mothers, attempt to cook. Kara was the only one in the family that knew how to cook and was forced to make a meal at least two times a day for the family.

Surprisingly Kara was able to keep up with her work down at a local shop, run the family because her father was too lazy to do anything and the mother fought with her father all day, and keep her G.P.A over a 3.75. Kara walked forward past the staircase, which was filled with a variety of items cloths and parts to old toys, into the kitchen. She could smell the horrid smell of the awaiting diner in the microwave, which later on she would have to eat.

The hour before the stroke of tomorrow, Kara woke up abruptly. Her entire body ached. She kept dreaming of horrid things. She never could understand what was wrong with her. She kept waking up like this almost every night now for the past month. She could tell something was wrong with her. She felt sick now her world was spinning her eyes became wiry the pain in her head was explosive. She could feel all her blood throughout her body being pumped through her. Her consciousness became faint, she could barley stay awake now. Kara’s body twitched and something moved. Someone moved toward her, closer and closer until she could feel the man's breath. He was a dark figure his eyes were red. A hand grabbed her by the throat; he had an inseparable grip on her. He lifted the girl out of bed. Kara’s eyes felt as though they would come out of her head. She could feel the rest of her body just dangling there. The pain in her was intense. She was reaching the breaking point where her lungs are telling her to breathe or die, until. He let go.


He spoke softly “I followed you home baby, now isn’t that sweet?” His voice was cold and dark.


The next morning Kara woke to a loud beeping sound that only an alarm clock would ever dare to make. Her eyes slowly opened and began to adjust to the darkness. She reached out with her right arm over the side of the bed to press the sleep button. She did not have to look at the clock to know what time it was. It was 5:25. She pressed the sleep button and once more fell into a deep sleep.


It was a short sleep it wouldn’t even be called a sleep more like a nap until the alarm clock went off once again. She opened her eyes allowing her eyes to adjust to the darkness before anything. Once she could see she pressed the off mode and looked into the fiery red glare of the digital screen. 5:30 it read. Her mind drifted as if it wanted to just stop and fall back into a sleep. She forcefully threw herself up into sitting position and threw off the bed covers. She placed her feet onto the blue-carpeted floor. She could feel the warmth of the carpet quite inviting she thought. She lifted herself up and began to inch forward into the hallway. “Uh…” she sighed
She could see the hallway with its cool crisp looking wooden floor. She could see her little sister Sam sleeping quietly in her room. She always loved Sam’s room it had an ocean view and was vast and large. With its high ceiling and walk-in closet it was a teenage girls dream to have. Next to Sam’s room was a small guest bedroom that hadn’t been used in years and now used as a storage room. Her father had never thought of doing anything with it, because it was always his saying to keep it just in case.


She reverted her attention back to what she was previously doing. She walked forward with intense care trying not to trip on any of her sister’s toys. She finally reached the tile-covered floor of the bathroom, and with a horrid face she walked into the bathroom. Her thoughts were right the tiles on the floor were freezing cold and she regretted buying those slippers about a week ago. She turned to face the shower and turned it on. She striped down from her previous pajamas and walked into the shower. The warm water pranced upon her and she felt good. Kara had always loved water even if it was just a simple shower.



As the water fell upon her slowing dripping down through the rest of her, she reached for the average day shampoo. She read the bottle and realized it was not the normal brand she used. It was some Head and Shoulders brand probably meant for her sister who occasionally had dandruff. She applied the shampoo and washed it away with care, using the same brands conditioner too. She did the daily routine of washing herself and stepped out of the shower.


The closest towel to her was a new large blue towel with her initials on it. Her mother had always been cautious of whose stuff belonged to whom and did not like change in that matter. She dried herself and wrapped the towel around her, and with that she began to get ready for school.


As she climbed down the stairs entering into the main hallway, she began to think of the homework she did not do and decided that she would do that later.


“God damn you woman!” said a loud yell from the kitchen.


Her parents would fight all the time leaving her pitiless and depressed causing her to cry herself to sleep every night. She hated it when they would fight. What was even worse was when they would yell at each other during the night. It was constant yelling, and fighting then they would try to make her believe that they weren’t. It was almost every night now for almost two months and each time it became more and more violent.


Her parents heard her coming down the stairs and started whispering which eventually turned into a light yell by her mother and there after their was complete silence. Kara’s mind was racing she was so sick of their fighting. She continued forward into the kitchen, passing a variety of toys, papers and bits or pieces of random equipment left and never picked up. She walked up to her father and looked at him long and hard the only thing that she said was,
“What’s going on dad what’s going on with you and mom?”


His reply stunned her. She thought for just a moment he would come and tell.


“Listen dear” there was a long solid pause. Then “No… I’m sorry dear it’s hard to explain.”


Kara turned around toward her mother and her mother just simply said to get ready for school and to forget it.


Kara stood disappointed and furious. Her emotions inside were nothing too complicated but she could not handle listing to them. She turned away from her parents; and quietly walked out the front door.


She walked for almost a mile toward an old friends house. As she approached the driveway something just something felt odd about it today.


It was a cold morning around 19° F. There was fresh powdered snow lain over the town by a passing cloud. There was some ice, which she would have to avoid, but other than that it was a quiet day. Kara looked around enjoying the fact that no cars around that it was a peaceful quiet day. The tree branches were covered in a light snow and every brush, and plant was covered by a few centimeters of this white blanket. All was peaceful again.


Kara’s attention drew back to the house as she drew closer. When the driveway was about a foot away from her she stopped to face the house.


It was a beautiful home with a light blue color and brown French double doors. It was about three stories high. It had beautiful French windows with shutters around each of the sides of the window. Its roof was perfectly aligned with two chimneys. The landscaping and architecture was amazing. This was one of those houses that made you think ‘Wow I wish I had the money for this!’ Their family built this house to their likings, and they did a damn good job at it.


Kara walked along the driveway holding the coat close to her face trying to block out any of the hail that began to pour down upon the earth. She drew closer and closer to the front door. She walked atop the brick laid out walk way and climbed the three steps to the porch.


She knocked on the door waited a few seconds… No answer she knocked again… No answer. Kara looked into one of the windows and saw that the kitchen lights were still on. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a key chain with about twenty keys on it. She took out the gold one for this house and inserted it into the keyhole. The key turned, pushing the little hammers into their correct place allowing access to the warmth and the comfort of this perfectly built house.


Kara opened the front door to the house pushing it out of her way. Ashley, who was coming down the stairs frantically trying to greet her guest, saw Kara standing in the front hall. For a moment she paused scanning the guest. Looking for any expressions or faults in her. Cautiously Ashley approached her.


“Are… Is everything ok?”
Kara drew out a smile “Yeah.”

Ashley drew out a long awaited smile, knowing what Kara was going through was finally over.

Kara pulled out a chair in the dining room and seated herself. The dining room was full of extrorgonent items. Such as the chairs set around the dinning table, as long with the table itself. Guessing from the amazing wood detail the table had most likely been shipped out from overseas, which would make any millionaire envious. Ashley and her family had money; her father Jim Baront is an owner of an arcutecture company and her mother Alexis, who had been an Archeologist for many years just recently converting over to teaching at a local collage.


Ashley walked into the room disrupting Kara’s train of thought.
“So what really happened to you and John?”

Kara’s memory flashed back came into mind, remembering all those times when she was pushed around. Being afraid of anyone, being unsure of herself and anyone around her. Also being abused. John, her recent sweetheart, she loved with all of her heart. They were going out sense she was fifteen, for two good years in total. He was the perfect guy, he called when she was lonely or sad, and he would take her places and do what she wanted to do. He would listen to whatever she would say, and Kara never had to worry about him telling others. Their relationship would only go as far as she wanted to go and sometimes it was her who had to speed things up a little. He would treat her the same weather they were with friends family or whom ever they came into contact with. When he held her she felt safe and loved. What Kara loved most about him was he was never afraid, never worried, he always kept a calm attitude. But in-between that time something happened to John. He became more violent and more aggressive, and it all began when they were at a party long ago.


John walked towards the front door of the house, head high, and a confident attitude at mind. Once he reached the front door he prepped himself, and then rang the doorbell. A few moments a young looking woman answered it. She knew who he was and what he was coming for. She gave a fake smile and offered to let him come in.


John at the time was in a hurry and declined the offer saying he was late and that they needed to leave soon The woman looked at him cautiously, then losing interest or just not caring called Kara to come down stairs.
Kara heard her mothers call and obeyed it. She came down the stairs expecting to her guest. John stood in the hall looking up at Kara. He smiled a bit and called her over. Kara and told her mother she would be back around Twelve o’clock. Her mother just gave a sigh and said to Kara.

“Why the hell do you even need to come back?”

Kara gave a disapproving face to her and walked out the front door with John. John turned back and told her they were late as it was and they would have to hurry. John was taking her out for her birthday and the day was a surprise.

John and Kara walked out of the movie theater, holding hands. Kara’s head leaned against Johns shoulder. Once they reached the car John told Kara that she had one more surprise before the day was over. John began driving away from their normal way home and Kara began to wonder what it could possible be. When they pulled up to an old friends house Kara began to get the picture. Only a real boyfriend would create an surprise party with their friends.


Once the party really began to get rolling, Max, one of Johns friends, passed around a couple beers. John had one and that did not bother Kara at all. He was eighteen and she was seventeen and she could believe he could handle himself. Besides if he couldn’t Kara would drive herself home, or they could just stay there for the night, her parents would be overjoyed if she did not come home. As soon as John finished his beer he picked up another. Kara began to become uncomfortable with this and told John not this.

“Dot you worry, its only two beers. It doesn’t affect me.”

Kara was reassured by this and believed him. As time passed, yet another beer ended up in John’s hands. Then he was away with his friends for periods of time, coming back smelling like pot. He tried to cover up and say he was just hanging out with the guys. Then another time he left, and yet again another excuse.


“Kara I’m not drunk.” At this time John was already starting to see things and pass out on the couch for ten minutes a time.

Kara began to really worry. The next time John tried to grab a beer she tried to stop him but he just pushed her aside and called her a bitch. This enough hurt Kara. So she walked over to Ashley and asked her if she would walk her home. Ashley being a good friend agreed and they left.

John saw Kara leave and being as drunk as he was he walked over to Kara.

“Hey… hey babe wheres youz going.”

“John your drunk outta your mind I’m going to leave.” With a snarl “Ill see you tomorrow”

John lashed out at Kara trying to grab her arm but feeling woozy and losing his balance he fell to the ground. Kara and Ashley walked away.


The frozen over grass, crackled under Kara’s feet. Neither of the girls talked. Both girls walked in silence. Route 79, which connects Taunton to Lakeville, was unusually that night. No cars were passing by, all the house’s were dark, not a sign of life around. At this point of time Kara and Ashley passed by the last block of houses and now left with complete darkness. If it weren’t for the old blinkering street lamp hanging above, they would have lost their way long ago.


Meanwhile, John had just returned to his feet after passing out on the front lawn. John’s anger had taken the best of him and his rage intense. Max had just walked outside to try to calm him down. John returned back into the house, taking another beer. He drank it down his greedy thought, nearly choking himself. His eyes peered down and his thoughts stopped, and the drunken bastard he was taken over John.

Max ran to him saying, “What the hell are you doing?”

“Just move aside Max. This isn’t about you.”

Max stepped back well knowing he was only provoking John. John walked outside.

“John just comeback you’re going to do something your going to regret.”
“Move Max.” John commanded.

Max only stepped forward and pushed John down. John losing balance once more fell to the ground, just scraping by an large rock near his left ear. John crouched upward taking his empty beer glass, trusted it up top the rock shattering the large end of the glass, creating a deadly sharp glass.

“Max get outta my way or I will do something I will regret.”

Max knew he couldn’t let John reach his car. Max stepped back, as well raising his hands as if a cop just caught him shoplifting.
“John its ok, just stop now and this will all be avoided.”


John maneuvering around Max, still raising his broken glass, had the glass positioned at Max’s heart. He walked forward toward his car once more. Max knew he could try to stop him now and maybe save a life or two. Max’s hand jerked out forward gripping John’s wrist. John swung around lashing out with his fist into Max’s lower jaw. The force of the hit knocked Max back letting go of john’s wrist. John’s inner evil took over him, trusting the broken glass forward.


The broken glass whipped out, slashing through the air propelling forward. The glass whipped through piercing the soft flesh, which belonged to Max. The glass worked its way easily through Max. Slashing everything it came into contact with.


Max’s eyes shot open with pain. His heart slowed down to a slow steady pulse. His eyes became bloodshot and blurry. His mouth was spluttering with blood. His lungs started to burn.


Blood began to pour out maneuvering its way around the glass. John extracted the bloody glass away from its victim then throwing it past himself, examining the work he had just committed. Max lost his continuous and feel to the cold unforgiving ground. John smirked, and with that walked away once more to his car.


In the far distance a car was rapidly approaching Kara and Ashley.

“Hey Kara, a cars coming maybe we can hitch a ride.”

“Ok, but show some leg wontcha?”


Ashley gave a dirty little smirk to Kara laughing, playfully pushed her aside. The car began to get closer enough to see the two headlights, merge from one to two separate lights.

“Well it’ll be here in a few seconds.” Kara said rapidly

Ashley nodded her head and with that dirty little smile of hers, asked,
“Do you think he will be cute?”

Kara laughed and replied “You really gotta learn to stick with one guy.”

Ashley gave Kara once more a playful shove, “Well what people don’t know cant hurt them. Oh ya Kara you’ve got to get a new guy yourself.”

“Na I got one.”

“Johns an ass Kara, do you know what he does when he’s not with you? And besides he treats you horribly.”


“Well it’s only at party’s he’s like that. Other than that he’s really sweet.”
The roar of the ford pickup engine began to get louder each and every second that passed. Kara and Ashley could both almost see the outline of the truck, through the complete darkness. The car began to pick up speed, exceeding the speed limit. It drew nearer and nearer to the girls. Kara had now begun to question why it was going so fast. Ashley simply believed it were to pass by them. The car darted forward until it was close enough to make out the distinctions between the two girls on the side of the road. The young twenty-three year old driver made out which girl was his target and began once again to pick up speed.


The car raced forward with incredible speed and began to maneuver its way off the road and onto the gravel of the ground. Kara and Ashley had only a second to react jumping to the side of the rapid approaching vehicle. Kara fell onto the frozen gravel whipping sheets of dirt and mud upon herself. She could see the side of the car just missing it by inches. The car passed by. Kara’s heart was pounding fiercely against her chest. Her breathing was loud and deep her chest rose and fell. The car to her right came to an immediate halt when its cold red painted ford pickup, crashed against an old oak tree. The car smashed into itself, collapsing in and shattering the front windshield. The hood to the car folded in and the engine died down into a growl of a furious animal. The grudging crash caused the tree to almost scream out scaring away a few tiny birds.


The door to the red ford pick-up whipped open, and out stepped a young teenager.


“John what the hell are you doing!” Ashley yelled.


Kara was out-of-breath and at the moment speechless. She could not believe that John just tried to run her over. John stepped forward. His steps were hard and seemed as if he was not human but more of a robot.


“Kara you get the fuck over here now.”

Ashley replied for Kara “She aint getting a step toward you, ya asshole.”

“Ashley shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you.”

Kara’s voice was small and unrecognizable “I…I… I’m not going with you John.”

“What did you just say to me?”

“John no its over.”

Ashley spoke up “Come on Kara, we’ll go home and call the police on this fucking bastard.”


John stood motionless. His bottled up emotions inside began to pour out through him. John stood for a long pause.

He mumbled under his breath “No your mine.”


John lashed out sprinting forward. With a fist lashing out. His fist hit Kara’s soft unflawed check. Bone-splintering her jaw forcing its way into Kara’s face.


Kara fell to the ground red faced and almost defiantly with a broken jaw. John leaned over her and grabbed her small neck. His large hands wrapped around her, binding against her throat, choking Kara.


Ashley was horrified. Ashley looked around the ground until she found a large piece of shattered glass separated from the vehicles front windshield. She stepped onto it creating a sharp dagger like object with barbed edges. The glass dagger seemed to be about seven inches long and had sharp edges along the sides. Ashley grabbed the glass receiving a good grip and jumped forward at John.

“Let her go!” Ashley yelled.

Kara was just about out of breath and now struggling to survive. She was too weak to hit John or even push the man aside.


Ashley leapt forward, taking the glass and thrusting it into John’s neck, where the neck meets the spine. She dug it into his neck deep.
Johns grip on Kara suddenly loosened. Kara’s body shut down and dropped down. Blood poured out of that open wound and everything in Johns mind was lost. Never to think again. Kara Lay upon the ground grasping for the air that she had lacked for a few minutes. Ashley stood where she had attacked John. Now realizing what she had done.
Ashley told Kara that it was time to leave this place and never talk about this again. Kara’s jaw was bloody and she couldn’t tell if it was broken or misplaced. Both girls were scared. For what they had thought, John was dead and they knew in this little town the news would spread quick and merciless. Kara and Ashley left for home where they will face many problems.
Last edited by enzoguy15 on Sat May 17, 2008 9:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Okay, oviously I'm not going to copy/paste this story! :wink: lol

But, right off, I want to point out to you that you need to space this out more. The chapters are too close together for me to read.

AND, you need to cut this in half.

Once you do that, I will come back to it.

I know, I'm sort of a hypocrite because all my chapters are SUPER long, and yet, I am asking you to cut this up...

But anyway, once you split this in half or space out your paragraphs (which, I think when you do that, you won't have to cut this in half) PM me and I will come back to this.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Ok I spaced it out some more thanks for the advice!




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Here's my review!

Sorry it took so long...

The roads covered with patches of ice, the trees sat in a never-ending death, nothing moved. Nothing stirred it was quiet


Okay, I used this as an example because you need to watch your commas and "ands". You are missing probably three in these two sentences. This should read: The roads covered with patches of ice, the trees sat in a never-ending death, and nothing moved. Nothing stirred, and it was quiet. I'm not going to point out all the missing comma's because that would take too long. But, I think you know what I mean...so, on to the next one!

She opened her eyes for just a second to see what’s happening around her.


Instead of "What's" you should use "what was". I'm not sure why but if you read it out loud to yourself, "what was" sounds better than "what's."
As she lifted her right foot she could feel the snowfall into her boot.


This should be "snow fall" instead of "snowfall". Two words instead of one.

Thoughts ran through her head nothing could stop the fear tingling inside her.


You should switch this into two different sentences. Like: Thoughts ran through her head. Nothing could stop the fear tingling inside her.

A small squirrel passed by covered in snow, with its ribs being shown completely.


I'm not sure why, but I don't like "with its ribs being shown completely". You should reword that. It just doesn't give a very clear picture, even though I know what you are talking about.


He was funny smart and kind.


Another example of the missing commas. This should read: He was funny, smart, and kind.

The hour before the stroke of tomorrow, Kara woke up abruptly.


I put this in here because I absolutely loved this sentence. It was written really well :D.


She could feel the warmth of the carpet quite inviting she thought.


It should read: She could feel the warmth of the carpet. Quite inviting, she thought. Also, thoughts should be in italics.

The warm water pranced upon her and she felt good.


Okay, I like and dislike the word "pranced" you used here. I'm not really sure how to give you advise on that. Maybe try different words??

“What’s going on dad what’s going on with you and mom?”


His reply stunned her. She thought for just a moment he would come and tell.


Totally confusing here. "His reply" should be right before he says something. Not like how you have it now. This makes it really choppy and hard to follow.

As she approached the driveway something just something felt odd about it today.


Okay, a little advise about foreshadowing. When you do this, you have to make it really not obvious. This is obvious here. You need to make it unpredictable and subtle. Just a heads up for next time! :wink:

He would treat her the same weather they were with friends family or whom ever they came into contact with.


Wrong use of "weather" here. It should be "whether" instead.

Overall:

Okay, first, you need to work on your charaters. They are too simple right now. And the party scenes and stuff, you need to make that more clear. Also, the part with John...is this her "new" boyfriend or her "old" one. That part really caught me off guard.

But, you have a really nice start here. I like the plot line. Lengthening all the party and fight scenes will totally make this a really good read. Also, you need more descriptions in this.

Otherwise, nice job! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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I will come back to this. But wow it's long...




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enzoguy15,

I was about to say - and squirm a bit while doing so - that my stuff is longer, and that there’s no need to worry about it, I guess. Ashley was already on the case, and I was starting to critique, too…

But then… reviews, you have no reviews. Why don’t you have any reviews? There’s this rule ratio, 2:1. You need to review others’ work before posting your own…


Cheers,
Esme


P.S. Don’t eat me. I read that again and I know I sound very un-nice.




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Okay, I'm back! Let's get started...


NITPICKS:


Down through the snowy, winding never-ending tree roads south of Boston lays a small town called Lakeville.


Too many adjectives in this.



The snow passed from town to town leaving its soft white blanket of snow on anything it could touch.

Run-on sentence. Put a comma after town.


The roads covered with patches of ice, the trees sat in a never-ending death, nothing moved. Nothing stirred it was quiet.

The roads were covered with patches of ice, the trees sat in a never-ending death, and nothing moved. Nothing stirred; it was quiet


As she thought to herself, the snow trickled down through the trees onto her shoulders and hat. She was only out for a couple minutes and already was ready to head in. She could feel the cold nights chill reach the tips of her fingers and knew it would work its way through her. She opened her eyes for just a second to see what’s happening around her. She blinked twice to remove the cool snow from her eyelashes and began to move her arms. She brushed off the snow and stretched. As she lifted her right foot she could feel the snowfall into her boot. Her foot pushed against the snow creating a quiet crunch, she lifted her left foot and repeated. Walking through the hard snow with the snow blowing in her face something stirred.

In this entire paragraph there are far too many sentences beginning with She. Also, I'm just going to redo the entire thing in a way that I feel would improve it: The snow trickled down through the trees onto her shoulders and hat. She'd only been out for a few minutes and already was ready to go back inside. Feeling the cold night'schill reach the tips of her fingers, the girl knew it would work its way through her. She opened her eyes for just a second to see what was happening around her, blinking twice to remove the cool snow from her eyelashes. Kara brushed off the snow and stretched. As she lifted her right foot she could feel the snowfall into her boot. Her foot pushed against the snow creating a quiet crunch, and she lifted her left foot and repeated the action. Walking through the hard snow with the snow blowing in her face, something stirred.


Her nerves jumped, something was not right she could feel it.

Would be better as: Her nerves jumped, and she knew something was not right. She could feel it.



Thoughts ran through her head nothing could stop the fear tingling inside her.

Again, a run-on sentence. You need to watch these. Put period after head, and capitalize nothing.


A branch snapped and what she saw was nothing more than a simple woodland animal. A small squirrel passed by covered in snow, with its ribs being shown completely. ‘Poor squirrel.’ Kara thought. With her nerves calmed once more she began to walk. As the trees past and the lights of the houses and street lamps began to be seen, she took out her cell phone to call her home.

First, I thought I should remind you that thoughts should be in Italics. And now I’m going to experiment with this as I did before: A branch snapped, and she saw something run past out of the corner of her eye. She whirls, and laughed with relief, realizing her source of fear was nothing more than a simple squirrel. It ran past, its tiny body by covered in snow. Its ribs showed through its skin completely. ‘Poor squirrel,’ Kara thought. Calm once more, she again began to walk. As the trees passed by and the lights of the houses and street lamps came into view, she took out her cell phone to call her home.


With quivering cold hands she reached into her pocket and removed an old cell phone.

Again, too many adjectives. If her hands a quivering we already realize that they are cold, also. Also, I would get rid of an old cell phone, considering you just told us she took it out in the previous paragraph.


The sound of the ring sounded twice before a person picked up the phone.

I would adjust this so it reads: The phone rings twice before someone picks it up.


“Hello?” said a distinguished voice.

I would divulge that it’s her mom right away. Perhaps add this: “Hello?” said my mother’s distinguished voice.


“Hey, mom I’m coming home now.” Kara said

Missing period, mom needs to be capitalized, and period should be comma. Watch your punctuation.


“Ok hunny I’ll put your supper in the microwave.”

Should be like this: “Okay, honey, I’ll put your supper in the microwave.”


On her phones screen lit up that it took 0:31 seconds of calling time.

We don’t need this detail. Unless it’s somehow significant to the story, right now it’s just trivial.


As Kara continued fighting against the snow and wind thoughts of her new boyfriend came into her mind. She had just met him the other day and already knew he was the one. He was funny smart and kind. When she was sad he was there for her and when she was happy it was because he was around. He left notes on her locker and car all the time and she only thanked that there were still kind boys left in the world. Although they were hard to come across there still some left.

I didn’t like this entire thing. It’s too much telling rather than showing, and it takes away from the moment of her walking through the woods and being frightened. I would either have her boyfriend actually show up, and tell us this if you really feel we need to know, or DELETE it.

Realization sprung back into her as a small house came into view.

Don’t like the word use of sprung. And I would use recognition for this. Example: Recognition dawned in her mind as a small house appeared through the trees.


It was only left for the ghosts of the owners past to be used.

I would keep it simple and just state that the house is abandoned.


She walked up the drive way with thoughts of a warm diner and a warm blanket around her as she sat watching the late rerun TV shows.

diner should be dinner. Run-one sentence once more. Example: She walked up the drive, thought filling her head of a warm dinner and a snug blanket around her as she watched the late programs on TV.

Also, it would be a nice detail if you told us what she was watching on the TV –it gives us a glimpse into your character. I Love Lucy? CSI? Letting us know this hints at what type of a person she is and where her interest lie.


The snow started to get thinner as she began to enter the driveway until she feel upon a nice cleared driveway that some nice neighbor plowed for them.

Way, way too long of a sentence. Yet another example for you to ponder: The snow began to grow thin, and she loped up the driveway – freshly plowed by a friendly neighbor.


As she walked, her breath left from her lips over her shoulder and gently drifting away never to be found again. She walked to the near end of the driveway until she reached the turning point for the brick walk way.

Example of how I think it would be better: As she walked, her breath left her mouth in white clouds. I would delete the detail of getting to the “turning point”. It just drags this out.


The warmth of the house in filled her. She felt warmer and welcomed.

Sometimes you word things oddly. Do you look over your work after you’ve written/posted it? I bet you could catch these little things if you did. This particular sentence would flow better as something like: The warmth of the house enveloped her as soon as she opened the door. Kara felt warm and welcomed.


Her parents lived with her although they fought continuous.

Continuously


They never hosted a party for fear that something would break as so the house was not big enough to fit their family alone.

Again, strange wording. My preference: They never hosted a party, for fear something would be broken. The house was also not near large enough for such an event – it could not even properly contain her family.


Kara looked upon the walls noticing the nick-nacs that her mother was so proud of more so of them then Kara or Sam.

Run-on sentence. It’s knick-knacks, not nick-nacs. Need comma after walls, and a dash would be better after of. Also, is Kara bitter about her mother caring more about these knick-knacks than her children? If so, let us know.


There was a sent in the air of something that was probably burring and Kara guessed that it was just another of her mothers, attempt to cook.

My example for this: In the air, there was the smell of something burning. Kara guessed that it was another attempt of her mother’s at cooking.


Surprisingly Kara was able to keep up with her work down at a local shop, run the family because her father was too lazy to do anything and the mother fought with her father all day, and keep her G.P.A over a 3.75.

Commas, commas, commas! I would suggest one after surprisingly, family, and anything. I would also ditch the detail that her father was too lazy to do anything in this – makes it too long. Somehow ell us this later.



Kara walked forward past the staircase, which was filled with a variety of items cloths and parts to old toys, into the kitchen.

Do not need forward.


She could smell the horrid smell of the awaiting diner in the microwave, which later on she would have to eat.

Example: Kara could smell something horrible – no doubt dinner. She inwardly groaned at the prospect of actually having to eat it.


The hour before the stroke of tomorrow, Kara woke up abruptly. Her entire body ached. She kept dreaming of horrid things. She never could understand what was wrong with her. She kept waking up like this almost every night now for the past month. She could tell something was wrong with her. She felt sick now her world was spinning her eyes became wiry the pain in her head was explosive. She could feel all her blood throughout her body being pumped through her.

Again, need to watch the she’s. The rest is fine, but you need to find different ways to begin your sentences.


She was reaching the breaking point where her lungs are telling her to breathe or die, until. He let go.

Awkward wording. My example: She was quickly reaching the point where her lungs were screaming for air. Kara knew she had to breathe or she would soon die… and at that moment he let go.


He spoke softly “I followed you home baby, now isn’t that sweet?” His voice was cold and dark.

Need period or comma after softly.


She did not have to look at the clock to know what time it was. It was 5:25. She pressed the sleep button and once more fell into a deep sleep.

Why didn’t she have to look at the clock? Is she psychic and somehow magically knows the time? Also, why was it set if she isn’t going to wake up? And one more thing: I would just have it as button the second time around.


It was a short sleep it wouldn’t even be called a sleep more like a nap until the alarm clock went off once again. She opened her eyes allowing her eyes to adjust to the darkness before anything. Once she could see she pressed the off mode and looked into the fiery red glare of the digital screen. 5:30 it read. Her mind drifted as if it wanted to just stop and fall back into a sleep.

I decided to do this paragraph, also: It was a short sleep… it couldn’t even be called a sleep. It was more like a nap until the alarm clock went off once again. Kara opened her eyes, and allowed her eyes to adjust to the darkness. Once she could see, she pressed the off mode and looked into the fiery red glare of the digital screen. It read 5:30. Her mind drifted with drowsiness. Kara wanted to just fall back into a sleep.


She forcefully threw herself up into sitting position and threw off the bed covers. She placed her feet onto the blue-carpeted floor. She could feel the warmth of the carpet quite inviting she thought. She lifted herself up and began to inch forward into the hallway. “Uh…” she sighed

Watch your she’s again.


She could see the hallway with its cool crisp looking wooden floor.

Sorry to sound like a broken record, but you once again have too many adjectives.


She reverted her attention back to what she was previously doing.

The reader doesn’t even know what she was previously doing. I would ditch this, and just say that she continued on her way to wherever it is that she’s going.


Her thoughts were right the tiles on the floor were freezing cold and she regretted buying those slippers about a week ago.

Wait… what? You never told us she though the tiles would be cold. And why would she regret buying slippers? Explain, please.


She turned to face the shower and turned it on. She striped down from her previous pajamas and walked into the shower.

Stripped, not striped. And I would not add previous.


As the water fell upon her slowing dripping down through the rest of her, she reached for the average day shampoo. She read the bottle and realized it was not the normal brand she used. It was some Head and Shoulders brand probably meant for her sister who occasionally had dandruff. She applied the shampoo and washed it away with care, using the same brands conditioner too. She did the daily routine of washing herself and stepped out of the shower.

I did not understand the point of taking the reader through all this. Is the shampoo somehow important to the plot? If not, you’re just adding insignificant details that bore and bring me away from your story.


The closest towel to her was a new large blue towel with her initials on it. Her mother had always been cautious of whose stuff belonged to whom and did not like change in that matter. She dried herself and wrapped the towel around her, and with that she began to get ready for school.

Again, do not understand point of telling us all this stuff about the towels.


As she climbed down the stairs entering into the main hallway, she began to think of the homework she did not do and decided that she would do that later.

Comma after stairs


“God damn you woman!” said a loud yell from the kitchen.

Instead of said a loud yell, I would put: my father shouted. I just guess at it being her father, but Kara should know who is shouting. After all, wouldn’t she recognize whose voice it is?


Her parents would fight all the time leaving her pitiless and depressed causing her to cry herself to sleep every night.

Run-on. Comma after time and depressed.


Her parents heard her coming down the stairs and started whispering which eventually turned into a light yell by her mother and there after their was complete silence.

Comma after stairs and whispering. Also, I didn’t like the structure of this sentence. Would do this: Her parents must have heard her coming, because their voices quieted to whispers. But then Kara’s mother shouted, and their argument became loud again. Kara neared the kitchen, and suddenly there was complete silence.


Kara’s mind was racing she was so sick of their fighting. She continued forward into the kitchen, passing a variety of toys, papers and bits or pieces of random equipment left and never picked up.

Period after racing and capitalize she. Also, why the details of the toys and papers? You’ve already given us more than enough information about her life and house.


She walked up to her father and looked at him long and hard the only thing that she said was,

“What’s going on dad what’s going on with you and mom?”

No need for return after was


His reply stunned her. She thought for just a moment he would come and tell.

I would delete come and, and then just put her.


Kara walked along the driveway holding the coat close to her face trying to block out any of the hail that began to pour down upon the earth.

Need comma after driveway. I would just put a period after face and start a new sentence with the rest.


She drew closer and closer to the front door.

Just need one closer


She knocked on the door waited a few seconds… No answer she knocked again… No answer. Kara looked into one of the windows and saw that the kitchen lights were still on. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a key chain with about twenty keys on it. She took out the gold one for this house and inserted it into the keyhole. The key turned, pushing the little hammers into their correct place allowing access to the warmth and the comfort of this perfectly built house.

If she had a key and was comfortable with just walking in, why go through all the knocking?


For a moment she paused scanning the guest. Looking for any expressions or faults in her.

Doesn’t make sense. I would do something like this: For a moment she paused, studying the guest in her homes. She searched for any expression or strain in her face.


Ashley drew out a long awaited smile, knowing what Kara was going through was finally over.

How did she know that? Going through what?


They were going out sense she was fifteen, for two good years in total.

You mean since, I believe, not sense.


John at the time was in a hurry and declined the offer saying he was late and that they needed to leave soon The woman looked at him cautiously, then losing interest or just not caring called Kara to come down stairs.

Whoa, slow down! You need commas, periods, and more detail. I’ll leave it up to you – I know you know what to do.


She came down the stairs expecting to her guest.

Odd wording again. Better as something like: She came slowly down the stairs, face shining with expectancy.


He smiled a bit and called her over. Kara and told her mother she would be back around Twelve o’clock.

Two things: He called her over? Wasn’t she walking down the stairs and heading towards him? No need for that. Perhaps have him just say her name? And Twelve doesn’t need to be capitalized.


Kara gave a disapproving face to her and walked out the front door with John.

I would do this: Kara frowned at her mother disapprovingly, and left with John.


Only a real boyfriend would create an surprise party with their friends.

A, not an.


He was eighteen and she was seventeen and she could believe he could handle himself. Besides if he couldn’t Kara would drive herself home, or they could just stay there for the night, her parents would be overjoyed if she did not come home.

Example of how this should be adjusted: He was eighteen and she was seventeen; she believed he could handle himself. Besides, if he couldn’t Kara would just drive herself home, or they could stay there for the night. Her parents would be overjoyed if she did not come home.


“Dot you worry, its only two beers. It doesn’t affect me.”

Don’t?


Kara began to really worry.

Wouldn’t she be worried as soon as John started acting weird?


This enough hurt Kara.

You need to reread your work. This makes no sense.


Ashley being a good friend agreed and they left.

Commas. After Ashley and friend.


John saw Kara leave and being as drunk as he was he walked over to Kara.

Commas. After and and was.


“John your drunk outta your mind I’m going to leave.” With a snarl “Ill see you tomorrow”

Doesn’t make sense, and you’re missing an apostrophe.


John lashed out at Kara trying to grab her arm but feeling woozy and losing his balance he fell to the ground.

Run-on sentence. You know what to do by now, right?


The frozen over grass, crackled under Kara’s feet.

No need for comma after grass.


Neither of the girls talked. Both girls walked in silence.

Repetition. Choose one.


Route 79, which connects Taunton to Lakeville, was unusually that night

Huh? Was is unusually empty? Adjust this, please.


If it weren’t for the old blinkering street lamp hanging above, they would have lost their way long ago.

Blinkering isn’t a word. Perhaps blinking?


“John just comeback you’re going to do something your going to regret.”

Comeback should be come back


John maneuvering around Max, still raising his broken glass, had the glass positioned at Max’s heart.

I’m just going to rework this: John maneuvered around Max, raising his broken glass. He positioned it right at Max’s heart.


John’s inner evil took over him, trusting the broken glass forward.

The whole “inner evil” thing is kind of corny in this. He’s basically just drunk and high.


The broken glass whipped out, slashing through the air propelling forward. The glass whipped through piercing the soft flesh, which belonged to Max. The glass worked its way easily through Max. Slashing everything it came into contact with.

Okay, with such a climax moment like this, it needs to be very well done. I reworked it for you, to give you an idea of what it could be: The broken glass whipped out, propelling through the air with a sharp deadliness. The glass met its target, piercing the soft flesh of Max’s chest. It sliced its way easily inside Max, viciously slashing everything it came into contact with.


Blood began to pour out maneuvering its way around the glass.

You’ve already used maneuvered.


Max lost his continuous and feel to the cold unforgiving ground.

Do you mean consciousness instead of continuous? And fell instead of feel?


Ashley nodded her head and with that dirty little smile of hers, asked,

“Do you think he will be cute?”

No need for return after asked.


The door to the red ford pick-up whipped open, and out stepped a young teenager.

I would just use John instead of young teenager.


“John no its over.”

I’ve been skipping over punctuation mistakes, but this one juts out like a sore thumb, so I have to point it out: “John, no, it’s over.”


John stood motionless. His bottled up emotions inside began to pour out through him. John stood for a long pause.

Say John too much in this three-sentence paragraph.


He mumbled under his breath “No your mine.”

Comma after breath and no


John lashed out sprinting forward. With a fist lashing out.

Reworded it for you so it flows better: John sprinted forward, lashing out with his fists.


Ashley leapt forward, taking the glass and thrusting it into John’s neck, where the neck meets the spine. She dug it into his neck deep.

Say neck too much.


Kara’s body shut down and dropped down.

Say down once too many times here.


Ashley stood where she had attacked John. Now realizing what she had done.

Comma after John and don’t need to capitalize now. In fact, I would do this: Ashley stood where she had attacked John, only just not realizing what she had done.

Kara and Ashley left for home where they will face many problems.

You’re writing in past tense, so will cannot be used. Would is the correct word to use.


OVERALL IMPRESSION:

It was not astounding, but it has great potential to be a good piece. You need to work on a little bit of everything: characters, punctuation, plot, details, dialogue, etc. I like the idea of it. I didn’t have time to point out all your punctuation errors. I began to, as you may see, but I ran out of time. This was so long!

And if this is just a short story, than you need to subtly let the reader know the point of this piece. Did your MC discover something about herself? Does she get over what's happened to her and manage to find something to love in life? Just some things to think about to make this truly good.

If there is to be an addition, than that would make more sense, considering there are so many loose ends in this piece.


WATCH OUT FOR:

-Details. As with me, sometimes you have far too much, and others not near enough.

-Punctuation. Huge thing with me. One of my pet peeves.

-Character development. There was basically none. I didn't get a very good idea of who your MC is.



Good luck with editing.



In the winter months, snowstorms and rainfall in the Patagonian Ice Fields can drastically affect the landscape. Worsened by heavy winds, such storms can reduce visibility and lead to glacial calving, ice collapses, and avalanches. During these conditions, travel is not advised.
— The Documentarian