Untitled

Find me here, I am bleeding
(dirtying up your clean slate)
You smile, as I fade
(says the angel- don't be late)

Hi!

I'm just here to let you know that here on YWS we ask that you do two reviews before posting any of your work. Keeping a 2:1 ratio of reviews to posts.

Welcome!

OverEasy

Hey vine,

As OverEasy said, look at doing some reviews.

I'll give a quick review now.

First off, very short. The parentheses are unnecessary. The whole thing about a dramatic poetry is to bring across vividness, etc, and parentheses tend towards the opposite of this, bringing them in the background.

It is original enough... almost creepy.

I don't understand the last line, and I fell like I deserve to know more. Expand on this idea and bring out some more too satisfy the reader, or to bring them closer to insanity as you go deeper.

It may look better laid out like this -

Find me here, I am bleeding-
dirtying up your clean slate,
You smile, as I fade-
says the angel- don't be late

Punctuation is up to you. Poetical license.

Hope this was some help to you and hope to see you around.

Good luck writing,

Peace V
Ink

Short poetry can sometimes work, but here, it's lost because you don't make it very clear, I love the last line so work on expanding this a bit. To increase understanding. I really did like that last line . Here it fixed:

Find me here, I am bleeding,
dirtying up your clean slate.
You smile, as I fade;
says the angel- (don't be late)

It's quite cliched, but with that last line I see potential. One last peice of advice, show don't tell.

Overall: Expand this, work on showing us, and try to avoid cliches, but that last line, boy it's amazing.

Good luck
VSN

I like the poem. The morbidity of it was intriguing. But it kinda seems like you left out part of the story.

It's a bit self-concious to work as a short poem. There's no real ownership, and it gives the impression that it's been wrote in a hurry. It just seems rushed and the structure does it no favours. I would suggest taking ink_on_fire's advice in re-ordering it to make it easier to read.

Maybe try making it a little longer?

Hope this helps

Eimear

Thanks for all the comments, and I appologize for not knowing the review rule.

This was an old poem that was short and easily accessed, so I agree with almost all of what you all said. It is too short, the formatting was a bit off, and reading it again made even me wince slightly.

Why I really posted it was just to test how this whole site works. I can tell I'm going to like it here. It will help me keep from getting sloppy, too.