Young Writers Society


In Wonderland (Chapters 1&2)

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Once upon a time
there was a girl
She was lost and afraid

And so, not knowing what to do
She sought out revenge upon herself,
the world, and evryhting she knew. Until,
one day a prince came along and showed her,
he showed her...

Just how precious life could be.

She closed her eyes and a tear trickled down,
when she opened them the prince had disappeared.

Still, she had learned her lesson well and will always
keep on hoping!
Searching!
To find her prince again!

This girl,
she found a world,
a world of wonders where she could go and be free.
She named this world Wonderland and vowed to visit always.

But,
one day
when she came back she found it gone,
so she was lost,
and alone once more.



Chapter 1

This girl who had found a world then decided to travel the earth. What she found was another, who had been just like her and was in search of her prince. Together they vowed to help each other, as they made their way through the world. They searched for what seemed like years until they came upon a wide field of wildflowers. What was perculiar about this field was indeed was the small teatable placed squarely in the middle of the field. Tea had clearly been served and was ready to be drank. So the two young ladys promtly walked over to the table and sat themselves down in the array of flowers. Then, just as they were about to pour their tea, a lady all in a white taffeta gown with lace cuffs ran through the field towards them singing at the top of her lungs "Oh I'm so late, so late, so late". She looked as if she were made of porcelain. She had the palest of skin and the rosiest of cheeks. To top that she had beautiful brown locks that framed her face just perfectly, and coming out of the top of her head were two slender rabbit ears... As she got to the table she slowed down and took notice of her surroundings. Then without a further thought she batted her eyes, hopped once and was gone.

The two girls who had been about to pour their tea, where now sitting back several feet from before with astonished looks on their faces. One of the girls stood up cautiously and looked about. Taking notice of the other, she exclaimed "My gosh! Your hair's changed color! And.. your eyes.. It's most perculiar... But I do believe they've changed as well!" The other, hearing this reached for a strand of her once dull, gray hair.. only to find that it was green! She proceded to flip her hair over her face so she could inspect all of it. As it turned out half her hair was white and the other half was green. While she had been inspecting herself the first girl had started inspecting herself for changes as well. As she expected, she had changed... Her damaged brown hair was now a glorious ultramarine blue and as healthy as hair could be.

The other girl, now finished with inspection turned back to the first and said.. "Well... This is an interesting change isn't it? First that lady, now this..", the first girl stopped her inspection and replied, "Definatly. By the way.. I haven't introduced myself to you yet. My name's Ruweyna or Ru for short". Ruweyna curtsied politely and waited. It seemed as though the other girl was looking at her properly for the first time. She knew that she didn't have much intresting on... Only, some tattered jeans faded by the sun, a shirt that was a hand me down from her sister and a pair of worn pink Candies flip-flops. As for what color her eyes were... She couldn't tell anymore. "I... I..I'm Desna" The sudden sound of speech broke her out of her train of thought. "Oh, I'm sorry... What was your name?" Ruweyna had to ask. But before the girl had a chance to reply... the two were sucked into another dimention.

Chapter 2


Oouff! I hit the soft grass covered ground with a thud. "Ouch," I said dumbly as I stood up and looked around for the other girl... Ruweyna was her name. Over a few feet away in a clump of rather large mushrooms, I spotted her. There was some dirt on her face and she seem a bit bruised. "Hey, are you okay," I asked, hoping she wasn't hurt. "Uuuuunnngh" came her reply. "Yea, I guess I'm okay" she said, getting to her feet. It was then that I noticed that someone was watching us from behind the biggest mushroom to our right... The purple, polka-dotted one. I knew right away because I saw the tips of white rabbit ears. I immediately suspected the lady the lady we saw earlier. I motioned to Ruweyna to come close.

"I think the rabbit lady is watching us.. " I said stating the obvious. Then louder I said " We know you're there lady, so come out!" After about a minute.. The porcelain rabbit lady came out from behind the mushroom and smiled at me. Then she said "Hello.. May I introduce myself? Oh I suppose I should anyway." She came over and shook hands with both of us, then continued "My name is Amaira W. Rabitt and I am here to take you to see the king of Wonderland" At first I thought she was kidding. Then it dawned on me... She really expected us to come and see the king!

But before I could say anything Ruweyna spoke up. "Wonderland? You mean... MY Wonderland?" Amaira, seeming a bit disapproving answered, "Yes, it is. Why are you so surprised, Ms. Ruweyna?" I looked at Ruweyna, wondering if she really knew where we where. "Well, you see, it's just that it's so different from before.. " she said looking quite puzzled. this time I interjected before Amaira could speak. "Wait.. what's going on here? How do you know this place? I know we talked about looking for a lost world. But this?!" Ruweyna turned to face me. The puzzled confusion was clear of her face. It seemed like tears were going to come streaming out of her eyes at any moment.
~Amaira




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An interessting take on the Alice story :). And I really like that it opened up with a poem 8).


I do have a couple of gripes though.

My first one is the sudden change of perspective - in the first chapter it's third person, whereas in the second chapter it's first person.

My other one is that the story feels so... distant. Like I'm watching it hapen from a logn way away.
I didn't feel conected to any of the characters. This is mainly down to the speed of the story (the first couple of sentences in the first chapter are a perfect example of this).

Also, I'm curous as to why the girls didn't know each others names. I mean, they'd be searching the world with each other for 'what seemed like years'. Personally I feel that we should know their names from the start - it'd make the story easier to understand (and also make it feel 'closer') :).
I wrote the above just for you.




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It's always nice to see people doing their own interpretations of fairy-tales. The language you use is just perfect. But you need to split up the paragraphs better so its' easier to read, and maybe expand on it a little. And Sureal is right. Why didn't they know eachother's names? You have to be clear on the time-line and exactly what is happening in detail even when all you give is a brief summary.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"




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Yes, sorry for the really confusing chapters. I have started to fix the problems, and have also started a re-write.

This time the characters know each other names in the begining, and they are introduced one at a time. I feel like it will end up much better this time, round.
~Amaira



The shame of being a man - is there any better reason to write?
— Gilles Deleuze