Hidden Failure

We're hiding in our melon colored hearts,
Already lost to someone else's dreams,
We have trouble keeping track of all the parts,
We can not hold together all the seams.

The world is not allowed to see our hurt,
Our eyes are taught to seal away our pain,
We have been warned to live life short and curt,
Like tides rebuked for waxing, told to wain.

We're trained to kill our envies, hates and fears,
Perhaps our hearts have learnt to love too well,
So if there is spite falling with these tears,
I'm pretty sure the world could never tell.

If it's that I must not hurt that hurts me,
Then also so I won't be loved, I do.
They may have tried the same trick, I now see,
I trick that soon will have failed for them too.

This was good, but it didn't flow well. It seemed to forced. Just because something rymes doesn't mean it flows.

The last two verses seemed forced. write from your heart instead of trying to make it ryme. It doesnzt have to ryme to be poetry.

That's just my suggestion.

Hope this helped!

Jamie

Um... this bored me, no offence, sure ya weren't planning it, but god it was all tell, no show. You just basically tell us a story. Which just seems so cliche and repetive. It makes no sense, just seems unrelated each stanza. I could stitch no relation to each bit. It's cliche to, don't force poetry ever!

Overall: Start over, nothing memorable or even worth while saving, think of the theme of the poem, and work on it. Don't be afraid not to rhyme, just avoid cliches, and remember show don't tell. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

This was well...just OK. Neither bad nor good, just OK. It needs some improvement there. As Dr. Jamie Bondage said, it really didn't flow well.
Also, try not to repeat the same words (you used 'trick' twice), and remember, it doesn't matter whether the poem rhymes or not.
Good luck!

Very Deep!
But to be a poem it misses something. Like every one said, you should make it flow.



Good Luck
Ayman~

I think this would work better if you dropped the ryhme, it's holding your thoughts and ideas back too much. You've got good descriptions, but focusing too hard on trying to make it flow does the very opposite. It didn't move well when I read it out loud. I liked the title, though.

Hope this helps,

Best wishes,

Eimear xx

I agree with Eimear, I think you should drop the rhyme. the rhyming seems kind of forced and limiting. You could do a lot with this without rhymes, that's why I stick to non-rhyming poems. Other than that, I thought it was pretty good, deep. If you take my suggestion, post it! Good job!


Jenni

Here's the thing: using words like 'pain' and 'hurt' isn't a problem in poetry, absolutely it's not (at least in my opinion). The problem is, when you start clogging it with lines and images that everyone has seen before, add an unhealthy dose of complicated statements and top it off with an ill-advised rhyme-scheme, the whole thing sounds cumbersome.
Here's what I mean:

'If it's that I must not hurt that hurts me,
Then also so I won't be loved, I do.'

To be honest, I can't make head nor tail of that last line. It sounds more like a bad philosopher's quote than anything else. Thing is, I'm sure you know what you mean, so why not simplify it so idiots like me will understand you? =]

Here's my advise to you: go crazy. Next time you pick up your pen to write a poem, just go wild. Use extreme, bizarre imagery, drop the rhyme, be creative. Isn't that we're all trying to do? Everyone's imagination is different, so by using your's, you'll give us something we've never seen before. Something creative.

Of course, you don't have to listen to me, thousands wouldn't. But I don't like seeing anyone getting this amount of negative comment (which I've now added to, yes, I see the irony), and I think you have potential. So go mad, and nail that sucker.

Good Luck!

Agree, Eimear: Don't constrain yourself by having to stick to a rhyme scheme or a metre. This is why I tend to write in blank verse, not rhyming verse. Just let all your thoughts shine on the page!

You could also experiment with more imagery to stimulate the reader's imagination. SHOW them your thoughts through evocative images, don't simply spoonfeed them. Audiences love figuring it out meanings; let them do so!

Good luck!

Gahks

Thank you all for your comments. I really do appreciate them (whatever it is you think of what I'm writing!) but I also think that rhyming is becoming about as much of a lost art as poetry itself. I'll admit this poem was a little strained and foggy in some places, but, just because of that I'm not going to forget it and call it a failure, because, to me, it's not. Please remember that rhyme and meaning are meant to read in different ways, and thus reading a poem once may not present you with the full spectrum of either. Again, I'm glad that you are all willing to share your true opinions with me.