Jack Frost (Winter)

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I hope this is lyric poetry. I'm not good at classifying poetry. In fact, poetry and I are really only acquaintances. Whether or not this is a poem is up in the air now too - I'm not sure if I want to try to set it to music or if I liked it as a poem better, but I'm leaning towards poem. If this is in the wrong place, please, please tell me. (The spelling "spritely" is on purpose.)

Jack Frost

Ice cold and sweet –
Winter, the way you walk
As frost cackles and snaps
Under your feet, and icicles –
Never before have I seen anything
That reflects the sunset, so terrifying.
Grotesque puppets of polar bears
And your favourite, the
Polar pears
Dance on their marionette strings;
Life. Like hope, only more productive.

Aurora Borealis –
My winter, how I wish to hear your voice
The swooping alto today,
Eerie soprano the next;
Winds, strong and silver,
Like beeches (and beaches) of snow.

(Do sing, the way you never did,
Before your receding coast lines,
And stay –
What do I say when I grow to miss your
Sharp wit, and delicate fingers like glass.)


Jack Frost –
I love your November laughter.
It is so spritely and bright,
The last fat, golden light
Before surrealism sashays in
And your pit-orchestra wolves
Sing you a ballet for the Moon;
Hard-hearted aristocrat,
Not even he can resist.


He cries –
Yes, Winter, he cries.
Pearly celestial droplets
In your clear sky, spinning themselves into galaxies
Like the streams you captivate under your hand,
They join you. Dizzy and lonely they join you.

(Please sing for me, as you never did
For your limpid icebergs.
Stay –
What will I say when I grow to miss
Your sharp tongue and delicate poetry)


What’s that, my beloved –
A blood bruise, healed and green.
It rests under your eye like Earth, under some god.
The wolves slow their song,
Three – four to four – four to
Eight – eight, and the frost stops whispering.
It’s run out of secrets to tell,
Just when ears want to hear them.

I miss you –
Terrible Winter, I miss your
Wind chime songs and baritone
Bears. Spring, for all her charms,
Her sweeping landscapes
And bright green eyes,
Is not ethereal ice, nor
The hopeful yarp of seals.
She is not cold and sweet,
As you are, singing to your receding coast lines.
Blah blah blah blah?




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I loved it.

'The wolves slow their song,
Three – four to four – four to
Eight – eight, and the frost stops whispering. '

Best line ever.


I think the rythm is a bit off, but your description and design well make up for it.

A song?
I daresay it would make a pretty song, but if so you need to establish a consistency throughout, as it is it just seems like burts of thought rather than a tune.


You are certainley a better poet than I.

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I liked the message, but it didn't flow. I would suggest making this a song or putting it in other poetry.

Other than that, this was good. it just really didn't fit this genre. It sounds more like a song.

Hope this helped! Keep writing.

Jamie




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Hey, there! I owe you a critique!

Okay, I'm going to be honest here. I really didn't like this poem. It just didn't work. It probably didn't work for you, and it didn't work for me. It's not going to work for anyone.

It's because of your

RHYTHM


Rhythm in poetry is like oxygen to humans. We have to have it. We need it, or we will die. Frankly, right now, this poem is dead. BUT! - you can resurrect it. Trust me.

Ice cold and sweet –
Winter, the way you walk
As frost cackles and snaps
Under your feet, and icicles –
Never before have I seen anything
That reflects the sunset, so terrifying.
Grotesque puppets of polar bears
And your favourite, the
Polar pears
Dance on their marionette strings;
Life. Like hope, only more productive.


I'm sorry to say that this is the stanza that killed your poem. Read it out loud. It has no pulse, no beat. No rhythm. It needs rhythm. You have a couple with rhythm. Let me show you.
Aurora Borealis –
My winter, how I wish to hear your voice
The swooping alto today,
Eerie soprano the next;
Winds, strong and silver,
Like beeches (and beaches) of snow.


This has the accursed R word. Read it out loud. You see? It had some kind of a mysterious beat behind it. Now scroll back up to the first quote I did. Read it out loud again.

You see? No rhythm.

I don't know how I can help you with it. I would suggest rewriting it? I don't know. I always find it hard to rewrite poetry.

Also, something that was bugging me:

You don't have to capitalize the beginning of every line. In fact, I would suggest you didn't. Only capitalize things like you would in a prose. After a period or something. Your poem will be a lot easier to read.

Sorry if I was a bit harsh. Just being honest.

:Sythe:




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I loved it, actually. It was pretty, and lyrical, so, yes, it does seem to be Lyric Poetry. It would make a pretty song--not a pop song, but sort of an opera-ballad???? Whatever, it was good!

Yay you!

Congrats on a lyric poem well written!!

Woot! Woot!
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