Tides of Demons

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Okay so this is essentially a poem, which I might insert in my book I'm writing.( essentially, it's about our wolrd and an alternate world, which is a fair bit younger.)
It was written by a man in the fifth century, as the demons assaulted the village (Blackberry) in which he lived.
While the opinions of the demons are slightly baised, it was clear that the man was terrified.
The script bearing this poem was found on his body, when the assault was thwarted by the last great army of men, only three of the villagers survivied by luck alone.
It then become well know once that war ended, and was sung alongside others.

Ready the soldiers, hasten to war
The demons are coming, the demons of lore!

With a clash of iron and tides of ill
The demons come, far over the hill.

Black is their armour, high are their horns,
To men their voices a thousand mourns,

The village is weak, our weapons are few
As light strikes the plains and brightens the dew

Sharp be their scimitars, silver their tongues,
They are bitter breaths form woeful lungs,

Dark is their coming, and dark is their way,
The men are frightened, they start to pray,

They spring from the ground, in endless tide
Gone is our king, broken our pride

Their wisdom is great, but full of malice,
Blood is their ale, and skulls their chalice.

Ready the soldiers, hasten to war
The demons are coming, the demons of lore!

They bear any weapon, they never tire
Shadows of men wreathed with fire,

We wait in the light, knowing our death
Bright are our eyes, bated our breath,

We prepare the weapons, we bar the gate,
Late is the hour, sealed is our fate,

The fearful hide, the children are crying,
The defence is broken, the people are dying,

Where are the angels? Where hides the lord?
As the last of the men fall to the horde.

As torn shadows, we fade to dust,
The end of ages, a broken trust

Out on the stones, our blood does pour
Our eyes darken , we see no more,

Ready the soldiers, hasten to war,
The demons are coming, the demons of lore.



A few extra notes:

-the 'lore' refered to, is in fact an much older text, which no longer exists, know as the book of Eger, it featured a great deal of anceint mythology, and was lost around the 6th century, yet scrasp still survive in other books, such as 'the deeping eye' which says
'Such demons did appear, as would freeze a mans blood,
their eyes were of blood red, and spoke of cruel malice,
we were urged to fight these Beasts, yet we did not hold the front line for long, and only escaped by the grace of our steeds.

-The line 'silver tongues' was not only a literal reference.
The demons were also know for their smooth and polite manner of speaking, and often turned men agaisnt each other with sweet lies.
Yet some of the greater Demons, drank strange silver substance to dull pain, which of course gave their tongues a silver sheen.

-The line 'they bear any weapon', was due to the fact that as well as using their own weapons, the Demons could turn their hand to using nay wepaons they found in battle, thus the men often found their own wepaons turned upon them.

-the line 'they spring from the ground' is not entirely true, it was discovered at least ninety yeras later, that they had been breed by a corrupt wizard, deep within underground caverns, and therefore when they began an assault, they would use caverns leading to the place, if possible, thus they seemed to appear out of nowhere.

-Demons in fact don't drink blood at all, nevermind from skulls, in fact, the demons were no worse than men in their many habits, yet they did anything their master bid, therefore their deed were often thought of as evil


why did I telll you all that?!
Last edited by melkor on Thu May 15, 2008 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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I really, really liked this. See that there? Two really's.

Before I praise your poem further and point out comma mistakes, I'm going to warn you that I do not know very much about poetry. I am absolutely terrible at critiquing it.

So, what was good about this:

It had a good rhyme scheme
It had a steady rhythm.
I really enjoyed the fact that it was like an epic. It was fun to read.

As said above you did have a few punctuation mistakes. I noticed them mostly in the second line of each couplet.

The men are frightened they start to pray,


You need a comma between frightened and they.

Our eyes darken we see no more,


Comma between darken and we. You need a comma between the two clauses, just as above. Watch out for that.
Blah blah blah blah?




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Thank you kindly panserbjorne, I also have few poems to my name, in fact I prefer stories, but I like the classic idea of poems throughout a book, so thats why this came about.
I'll return the favour my friend!


-just don't eat me-



Oh and thanks for correcting me, I do need it.
I'm not exactly a grammar Nazi, well I am to other people anyways... :twisted:

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it. "
"It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes."
~Douglas Adams



Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides