Don't Be Afraid of Me

Don't Be Afraid of Me

Don't be afraid of me
My light is yours to take

You lit me on fire and
my life's greatest joy would be
to give it back to you
Back to you
where your words make me cry
where they make you happy

If we have touched souls
then please, let them collide
Maybe then can we understand
why our inks and paints
have run together
confusing me
confusing you
and bringing us together.
Someday, perhaps,
when our visions finally meet,
will our words and pictures
combust, sealing our souls
to their fate.

yoha_ahoy -

You've taken a common theme and expounded on it with average language. There are some parts I enjoy -- stanza three being particularly fun to read -- but on the whole you've repeated what a million other star-crossed lovers have before you. The reason S3 is so succesful is your use of metaphors and imagery. For this reader, poetry is all about the image. All about a thousand words painting me a picture. Consider giving us a little more imagery to chew on. Throw a couple similes in there. Think abstract. If you fell compelled to write on such a ubiquitous topic, at least do it in an innovative way.

Also, I was struck by the lyricism of this piece. S3 rings with a particular beat that may resonate if written as a verse of lyrics. Consider rewriting this (using my suggestions) as lyric poetry. I don't recommend this very often, but I feel this would go well with music.

-Kylan

Don't be afraid of me
My light is yours to take

You lit me on fire and

Even though a person's light and being lit on fire are two different things, their being placed right next to each other then not mentioned throughout the rest of the poem is awkward.

You lit me on fire and
my life's greatest joy would be
to give it back to you
Back to you
where your words make me cry
where they make you happy

There's a lot of me-you-you-me in this part. I can't keep up with all the pronouns, and this stanza seems to concentrate more on who's got what than what's happening. But that just might be me not following, too ^_^ And if she already has a light, then how does he light her on fire?

If we have touched souls
then please, let them collide
Maybe then can we understand
why our inks and paints
have run together

I would love to see an expansion of this image! The use of "soul" in romantic poetry is often overrated, but here it works well because you've made it your own. This is something that could only get better with more detail.

confusing me
confusing you
and bringing us together.

I'm not sure about these lines; I could definitely see the poem functioning well without them, but they don't significantly hinder it either. Personally, I'd cut them out.

Someday, perhaps,
when our visions finally meet,
will our words and pictures
combust, sealing our souls
to their fate.

Actually saying "visions" given the beginning of the stanza sounds kind of trite. I'd skip right to "someday, perhaps,/our words and pictures/combust..." But how does combustion seal souls and fate together? The simplicity of this statement, taking the seemingly impossible as fact, is nice, especially for the ending, but I don't think expansion could hurt either in both this instance and the poem in general.

Surely this is about a crush?

The love the part about the paints running together. It kinda reminds me of one of my crushes....


I didn't really enjoy the part with the fire. I didn't get it that much either...

Why did this speak to me so much? I can't even really see many mistakes with it? Even the 'average' language seems to be powerfully fitting. I loved it. Truly, I really did. There's obvious emotions behind it. A kind of raw, longing.

If we have touched souls
then please, let them collide

That's exactly how I feel right now! Great, great imagery.

Amazing ,yoha_ahoy, well done from me anyway. Don't know how much that counts for you, but this counted for me.

Hope,

Eimear

[quote="yoha_ahoy\If we have touched souls
then please, let them collide
[/quote]

Wow. The 'souls' line was delivered beautifully. Have you read 'The Host', by Stephenie Meyer? Even if you haven't, these lines are what made this poem amazing to me. Beautiful.