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I'm not that good at poetry, but I like this one. :)

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I made an indentation on the world;
I carved my initials into its soul
And left my mark.
I was the song that played in its dreams
For one night.
I was the ink-stain on its weathered pages –
A stately sentence, a stamp of purpose on the paper.
I stood and screamed into the sky
And the world heard me.
I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky.
I burned myself into its crust –
The messy and the mundane and the magnificent –
All of it, scorched onto the skin of the earth.
I was the scab on the surface of the world;
Itchy and crusted black with burnt-out dreams,
And the weariness of words not heard.
I was the scar that formed when the scab was scratched;
Pink flesh faintly puckered with remembered pain,
Stretched and smoothed by the slow passage of time.
I was the smear of dirt,
The stain of quirks and confusion,
Of irrational anger and hysteria.
I was music and midnight,
Hope and despair,
Fear and strength.
I scarred and sang and screamed;
I broke and blackened and scorched;
I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here.

My god this is awesome!

"I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky. "

This is, for me, clearly the best part, as the imagery is really striking.


"broke and blackened and scorched; "

you have four lines with heavy alliteration, is this intended to break it up a little?

Again, awesome.

Rubric

Hmm, this is very navel-gazing. You do have nice imagery but don't really try and relate us to the poem, one way or another. Instead you tell us everything, rather than show it. And the repetition of 'I' doesn't help in any way at all. It drones on and with the sentences all mostly beginning the same way. To me this seems more like a set of ideas, not poem, as you could explore each part of the ideas in different stanzas.

Overall: Right now it's to you, we wish to involved and remember show don't tell. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

Hmmm, I did like this very much, I have to say. I could really relate to the speaker, you know? It spoke to me.

However I disliked the constant use of 'I'. I felt that there could have been better ways to protray your theme, and it boarders on telling rather than showing in many places.

Other than that, good concept. You were almost making a mark of your own by writing this poem. Clever idea.

The ending is great:

The world remembered.
I was here.

Simple. I adore simple yet effective endings.

Best wishes,

Eimear

I liked this alot!! I agree with Eimear. I love simple endings. The constant use of "I" didn't bother me like it did others (then again, I'm not big on poetry).

Hmm, this is very navel-gazing.

Huh? What does that mean?

This is absolutely gorgeous. Your imagery is beautiful. I love the bumpy flow at the first, and then how it smooths towards the end.
This is the most amazing part:
"I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky. "
It's beautiful. The whole thing was so pretty I almost cried. I really liked the idea. I loved it, the whole thing and really, I have nothing bad to say.
Keep it up, you're amazing!
-Elise

khfan890 wrote:I liked this alot!! I agree with Eimear. I love simple endings. The constant use of "I" didn't bother me like it did others (then again, I'm not big on poetry).

Hmm, this is very navel-gazing.

Huh? :? What does that mean?

Um, I think it means I'm being egotistical...but that was sort of the point. *blushes*

Thank you all for your critiques! I appreciate all the advice and compliments. :)

While you may not be a poet, you have every right to be proud of this poem. I’m not much of a poetry-editor, but I loved it. Your use of metaphor was especially pleasing—initials, ink-stain, song, instrument, wounds, scars, all of them were beautifully used and accessible. Your rhythm is pretty good, neither exceptionally flowing nor exceptionally jerky—the rhythm is not what this poem is about. I quite enjoyed the overall sentiment. It seems so often these days we get poems about how insignificant the poet feels, how cruel the world is, and while both these things are often true, your poem focuses on a more positive side of things: we can and do make a difference. Overall, darling, quite lovely.

This is on of the best things I have ever read! I love it! Keep it up! I want to read more!

This flows beautifully and teh enjambment builds momentum effectively. The sense of purpose is strong. I love;

"I burned myself into its crust "

and

"Itchy and crusted black with burnt-out dreams,
And the weariness of words not heard.
I was the scar that formed when the scab was scratched."

Yes, it is naval-gazey, but maybe that's not always a bad thing.


I thinkl;

"Hope and despair,
Fear and strength. "

and

"I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here."

are a little weak. I'd try to maintain the brilliant imagery, and invent a more powerful climax. I'd also change;
"I scarred and sang and screamed" to

"I scarred and screamed and sang"....but don't ask me why!

Hope this helps.

Jas

I love this poem. It's so full of brilliant imagery and ideas that it's difficult to pick a favourite section, but I love:

I carved my initials into its soul
And left my mark.
I was the song that played in its dreams
For one night.

Jasmine made me think about this line:

Hope and despair,
Fear and strength.
I scarred and sang and screamed;
I broke and blackened and scorched;
I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here.

I think it should be 'I screamed and scarred and sang'.

Also, I don't know if you wanted to avoid putting 'hope and fear' together because, well, they're always put together, but I think this might work better as:

Hope and fear,
Strength and despair, (or 'despair and strength' to avoid an almost-rhyme)
I screamed and screamed and scarred and sang;
I broke and blackened and (it would help to find another word for here beginning with 'b' so you don't disrupt the pattern)
I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here.

I actually really like the end. It reminds me of 'So-and-so wiz ere 2008' that you see all over the place. Unfortunately, the graffiti reminds me of some of the types of people who went to my school. However, I like the connotations of it in your poem because it's like your own educated way of doing the same thing.

Well done!

I slid across the world’s heartstrings

And made a melody that lingered

Like snowflakes in the sky.

--Great work I think.
Specifically these 3 lines to me sounded like something happening in reality.
It strikes the imagination chords of the reader right away. Your imagination
and then the way that has been transformed into words is truly appreciable.

The only one thing that in my opinion was not befitting was the sudden change of mood. Though your poem depicts both the happy and the gloomy moods, it makes a transition that sounds (atleast for me) to abrupt. Below is the exact words I'm talking about.

And made a melody that lingered

Like snowflakes in the sky.

I burned myself into its crust –

The messy and the mundane and the magnificent – ...so forth

Barring that one thing I truly felt it was 'Food for thought'.


Regards,
Ankit

Hey,

I really enjoyed this piece. It was vivid with imagery and each line was concise and clearly well thought out. I think you made each word count and the concept as very clear yet vague enough to mean many things to many readers. I think everyone longs for this confirmation of existence as one in the mass that stands out, a shining part of the whole.

"I scarred and sang and screamed;"- I think maybe "scarred" could be changed since you used it earlier. Other than that this seemed virtually flawless and I thoroughly enjoyed it!

Very nice. I'll try to be thorough so forgive nitty-pickies. It seems to have lasted for months, this one.
A quick line by line>>>

Branding very nice title. fits well

I made an indentation on the world;
I carved my initials into its soul
And left my mark.
I was the song that played in its dreams
For one night. rethink....why one night? consider stuff like being a writer. You are leaving a brand aren't you?
I was the ink-stain on its weathered pages –
A stately sentence, a stamp of purpose on the paper.
I stood and screamed into the sky
And the world heard me. very brash...not just the action but the words used. I'd say find something other than screamed
I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky. see, here you're more permanent
I burned myself into its crust –I've always said it should be "burnt". I think it sounds better here anyway
The messy and the mundane and the magnificent – I thought I saw three parts to your poem- messy "smear of dirt", mundane "scab" and magnificent "ink stain", "stately sentence". How about you bring it out a little more. The transitions between them are good and you seem to like playing with alliteration
All of it, scorched onto the skin of the earth.
I was the scab on the surface of the world;
Itchy and crusted black with burnt-out dreams,
And the weariness of words not heard.
I was the scar that formed when the scab was scratched; I could tell you to be a little less graphic but I guess it's fine. Just make sure you don't go too far with "pink" and "crusted"
Pink flesh faintly puckered with remembered pain,
Stretched and smoothed by the slow passage of time. very fitting line. Thought I'd tell you
I was the smear of dirt, hurrah, your poem is slowly falling into neat vagueness.
The stain of quirks and confusion,
Of irrational anger and hysteria.
I was music and midnight,
Hope and despair,
Fear and strength.
I scarred and sang and screamed;
I broke and blackened and scorched;
I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here.simple and very good ending. you managed to hit a good theme

A little vague and only half-impressionable. I'll forget I ever read this within two or thee days. Or maybe since I said this I won't. You have talent and I'll have to disagree on Vernon's comment that this is navel-gazing. You seemed to agree with him too but I'lll keep my side. Keep going...

Hi i'm no poet but that was AMAZING. i wish i could write like u. i always wanted to be a poet but i'm no good. Your poem is has certain parts that are exactly how i feel when i fail to write poetry. Which is everytime i write a sorry excuse for a poem. i could really relate to your character. I am no poet so i can't offer any advice just admiration.