Heartbreak (deleted)

I've deleted this poem.

Alicat159

okay...first of all, it was pretty good and I enjoyed reading it. I have some suggestions though.
I think if you were to come up with a better title, it would catch people's attention more. Heartbreak is so common that people grow tired of reading about it.

My heart it beating through my chest,
And my breath is coming short,
I'm doing my best,
Only to have you look the other way.

I liked it, but the third line kinda stopped the flow of the poem. The other lines were all longer and flowed well together but "I'm doing my best," just seemed to cut it short. The word choice could have been better throughout the stanza as well.

I think you should work on the poem more to get it to flow better. If you want people to read it and enjoy reading it, edit it.

Nice Job. Keep it up.

As the heartbreak set in.
sets

I would have to sey when I get my heart broken I will proble feel the same way.

I agree with everyone else and it was a bit good, but somehow I didn't like it.

:S

It's....good. It didn't wow me, of course, but you made your intention of simply writing a poem and forgetting about trying to pin it down with punctuation and structure, ect, and I admire that. Heartbreak tends to be overdone by poets- but then again, we all experience it differently in our lives so why shouldnt we write about it? Your take was quite unique. So maybe if you edit it you will PM me?

Nice job, anyways.

Eimear

Hello!

My heart it beating through my chest,

Nice idea... but a little 'done'. I reckon you could portray the same idea in a different form, with a few metaphors, similes etc. If you want to keep it, try 'my heart beats through my chest'. Seems a bit more real here.

Please remember also that not every line needs a capital letter - just at the start of each sentence, proper noun etc.

But the sweet songs of my heart disappear.

Hmm... interesting thought, and this sould be made quite beautiful, but this is very limited. Expand on this some more.

Overall: a nice poem, but I thought without a doubt it could be improved to incorporate some more complex imagery. Remember - show, don't tell!

-Mark

Hey,
Thanks for the reviews and I'll work on it some more. I just wanted to show it to people, I guess. ( Eimear - I didn't expect to wow anybody and thanks for the positive review!) My poems aren't really wow-worthy anyways, so I'm pretty happy with the reviews.
Thanks!


Alicat159

ahola!

the vague-ness allows you to apply it to your own life.
--- but i want to know what happend to her to make her feel this way or is she just lonely. extend it a bit more.


=)

nightmare.