Yarn Chapter 1 -majorly revised-

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 89
Note: I already have chapter 2 up and its completely valid, no revising before critiquing that needs to be done.

------

Satu sat up too quickly and the world spun. After her balance was back in check, she looked quietly over to the book of fairy tales and then to the digital clock that stood on her desk. 12:48 in the morning read the neon blue digital clock numbers. Her stomach growled and she stood up, heading for the kitchen.

Sleepily, she trudged upstairs and found some salted crackers in the pantry filled with mostly canned vegetables. She took them back down to the basement and went into the area that contained her bed, an old red sofa, and a folding card table. She slammed the box on the table hard enough for the table to shake. The box rocked and tipped over and rows of crackers spilled out onto the table like dominoes. Leaving that, she went back over to her desk and picked up the short stories book. It had been left on “Little Red Riding Hood”.

She turned the page to the next story. “Hansel and Gretel”. A chill ran up her spine as she read the story of a step mother who would force her children out into the woods unprotected, the forbidding darkness of a forest two siblings discovered that their bread crumb trail had been destroyed, and the image of a beautiful house made of candy, which was inhabited by a witch who wanted nothing more than to eat the children. The story ended happily though.

She shook her head, rid it of all the questions that had beginning to form but remained unspoken, and turned off the light in one motion. Her dreams filled with everything except what she wanted to dream about – fairy tales.
Then again, some fairy tales continue living unknown from when they were lost by a generation. Satu may have very well been dreaming about fairy tales.

Satu woke up again at four in the morning and tossed in bed as the questions began to return to her. She untangled herself from the sheets and trudged across the basement to the closet. After looking at the water stains left from the time when the closet had served as a laundry room, Satu picked out a pair of dark blue, boot cut jeans and a purple sweatshirt. She slipped into the clothes and stomped on her shoes. Then she slid the glass basement door open and closed it behind her. She ambled around the house to the filthy sidewalk and began walking past the trees covered with chewed gum and rusty street lamp poles.

A blanket of clouds hung low so that the candle-like light of the street lamps reflected off them. The humid air magnified the mild stench of leaves decomposing in gutters. The whole world seemed dirty. The whole world was dirty.

I trudged along, staring at my feet to avoid the gazes of homeless or drunken shadows that huddled on and near benches.

Feet appeared quickly in her peripheral vision and she looked up just in time to see the hunched over figure striding straight at her. They impacted before she had time to react. Something the person had been holding fell onto the sidewalk and cracked. Something else skid across the sidewalk towards Satu. She landed directly on top of whatever the package had been and smothered something soft. A string of curses came from a female voice as her companion-through-clumsiness began to stir from the collision. Satu stood up slowly and turned around to see what she had landed on.

Something dark and liquid covered the sidewalk in a vague puddle.

“Blood?” Satu whispered out loud with worry piercing her voice, “Oh.” She spotted the broken bottle nearby. Then she turned her head slightly to stare at a bag of mutilated cakes.

The still shadowed body stood up and saw the wreckage of her former bundle. She cursed again beneath her breath.

“Mother will murder me!” the girl continued.

She looked up at Satu in expectancy, but Satu instead mindlessly stared at the girl’s appearance.

Although colors were still vague and shadows made features hard to distinguish, Satu got a fairly good view of the girl’s appearance. She was of average height, with short hair that curled out ever so slightly at the ends. Almond eyes contrasted her small nose and mouth which seemed to fit her small, slightly angular face.

Satu then realized that she was awaiting a response, “Oh, sorry. I didn’t see you coming.”

“Yeah? Well,” the girl sighed “Damn, I have no idea what I’m going to do. My mother sent me with those and now they’re destroyed.”

Gulping, Satu answered, “Well, there is a twenty four hour convenience store down the road, and I was just heading that way. We could try to replace what I ruined?”

The girl considered the thought, “Well, I can’t get cakes or wine at a convenience store, but maybe if I come with and hang around for awhile, Mother will think I delivered them.”

“Delivered them?”

“Yeah.”

The girl turned around and began walking back towards the convenience store, and Satu stared after her for a few brief moments in sudden confusion.

“Hey! Wait up!” Satu called, running to catch up to the girl.

The parking lot of the gas station was deserted, and the bright white light contrasted from the yellow-golden street lamp lights beside the street. They walked into the store casually and headed straight for the candy aisle. Satu stopped to get a better look at the girl, and found that her hair was a deep brown color, and her eyes a light blue. She wore light colored blue jeans with an old, slightly ripped plaid skirt over it. A large red hoodie sagged over the girl’s thin body and overlapped the plaid skirt somewhat. The red of the plaid and the red of the sweatshirt matched nearly perfectly. Holes and rips were littered on the one center pocket of the hoodie as well as the sleeves.

“What’s your name?” Satu inquired out of pure curiosity.

“Rossa,” the girl answered in a monotone, not taking her eyes away from the chocolate bar as she looked at the ingredients, “And yours?”

“Satu.”

“Nice name.”

“Thanks.”

There were a few minutes of awkward silence, as Rossa didn’t continue the conversation as expected. Satu walked on to the drinks aisle. She picked out a bottle of chocolate milk before coming back to where Rossa stood. She was now looking at a pack of bubble gum indecisively.

“Look,” Satu attempted to make up for crushing the girl’s cakes, “I have some money with me, and maybe I could get you something?”
She had gained Rossa’s attention. “Yes. Please.”

“Alright, well what do you want?”

Rossa thought for a moment before going back and picking out the chocolate bar. They took the milk and chocolate up to the counter and bought it with a five dollar bill. The moment they walked outside, Rossa grabbed the chocolate bar, tore open the package, ripped off one square at a time, and put multiple squares in her mouth at once.

Satu, on the other hand, opened her chocolate milk slowly, being careful not to spill it.

“Hey,” Rossa said, her mouth full with six pieces of the chocolate, “Thanks.”

“No problem!” Satu replied humbly.

The two girls ate and drank their treats in silence for a while. Rossa finished before Satu was even an eighth of the way done with her milk.

“Mother isn’t expecting me until later this morning,” Rossa began, “I know it’s a lot to ask, but, can I hang out with you for awhile?”

Satu looked at Rossa with disbelief, “What?”

“I’ll be in tons of trouble if I come home early and have to explain the whole cakes thing. A lot of trouble,” Rossa replied, staring shyly at the ground.

“I don’t know, if my mother finds out I was even out at this time of the night, she’ll be really angry. We fought earlier and that doesn’t really help much,” Satu rolled her eyes.

“A fight? What about?” Rossa asked curiously.

“Oh nothing really, I just don’t want to college even though I’m eighteen and should be going this upcoming year, and,” Satu paused, looking up, “I’m talking to strangers about my problems.”

Rossa laughed, “I guess you must be pretty stressed then.”

Satu nodded slowly, “Yes, it’s just her as well as the fact that all my friends have already left for college.”

“That’s rough. Why didn’t your mother know you weren’t going to college by now? It’s about to start!” Rossa asked.

“She doesn’t bother me much. I guess she assumed I would make the right decision.” Satu replied in thought.

“She shouldn’t assume, it leads to expecting too much.”

Satu nodded determinedly, “If she will assume that I’m going to college she can also assume I won’t bring strangers home; come on.”

“Great! Thanks! You can lead the way!”

Satu laughed then shrugged off the wall she had been leaning against. Heading in the direction of her house, Satu realized that Rossa was skipping ahead of her. With each tap and click of her black shoes, Rossa’s hood flapped and bobbed behind her.

------

Faolan took a deep breath through his nose, smelling –tasting- the air. Although he was human, he had always had the heightened senses of an animal. He was looking. Staring up at the sky, he mentally sorted through all the scents he had found. Dogs, smoke, car exhaust, and…he found her. He took off running down the street. Won’t she be surprised, he thought to himself, smirking.

---------
Satu unlocked the glass door carefully and slid it open, allowing Rossa to dash inside and flop onto her couch. Rossa spotted the spilled crackers and grabbed the box, eating what wasn’t already on the table.

“Hey. How old are you? Fourteen? Fifteen?” Satu guessed

“Seventeen.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I get that a lot. What about you? I mean, how old are you?” Rossa asked nonchalantly.

“Eighteen. shouldn’t you be in school then? It’s Thursday night!” Satu replied.

“Dropped out. I’m not really pursuing anything special,” Rossa replied casually. Satu stared at her wide eyed with disbelief.

“What about your mother? Doesn’t she care?” Satu slowly continued.

“Not really,” Rossa shrugged.

“Right…”

There was another awkward silence, which Rossa appeared unaffected by. Instead, she peered inside the box of crackers, turned it upside-down, and shook it. Nothing except crumbs fell out.

--------

Faolan halted suddenly and strolled around outside the gas station before walking inside. He examined the chocolate bar box, and found one missing. Smiling, he bought one chocolate bar of his own, prowled outside, and tore at it like an animal. Within seconds, chocolate coated his hands and turned his normally gleaming white teeth brown.

She had lingered here for a long time. He continued following the scent and came upon the plastic bag of cakes and the broken wine bottle. Shaking his head in disappointment, he looked up at the streetlamp which shadowed his face beautifully. He took a deep breath but it caught in his throat as he smelled her companion. Who had she made friends with this time? Did it matter?

Not really. There wasn’t much further to go, he began strolling calmly down the sidewalk, his animal, proud stance nearly gave off his inhuman personality.

--------

“What’s this?” Rossa asked, picking up the fairy tale book and gently turning it over.

“Oh. Just fairy tales, I read a tabloid the other day about fairy tales and I thought I would bring back some childhood memories,” Satu shrugged.

“Hansel and Gretel, that’s a creepy one.”

“I know! It scared me when I was a child and the darkness of it still freaks me out a little,” Satu enthusiastically agreed, “You know, the article was really opinionated, but it brought up some good thoughts to toy with. Like the fact that not every story ends ‘Happily Ever After’ or at least not for all of the characters. It also made me come up with a few ideas of my own. Animals can’t talk in real life, right? Well what if they were human characters that represented the animals? That’d make the stories fit perfectly!”

Laughter made Satu pause from her rant and turn to look at Rossa. She giggled gleefully before saying, “You put a lot of thought into an article. Do you really have this much time on your hands? Maybe you should go to college!”

Satu crossed her arms, “I’m not going. Especially because my mother thinks I will out of guilt from our argument. Anyways, thinking is a good way to pass the time!”

Rossa’s face became more serious and she determinedly spoke, “Satu, really, how on earth could you justify fairy tales being real? With a biased tabloid article? I don’t think you could. Anyways, there would have to be houses made of candy and wolves, or people, whose stomachs were opened and filled with rocks. Not to mention the fact that they’d then wake up to find their heart still beating! When you really think about it, fairy tales can’t be true.”

“If you twist the locations and circumstances around somewhat, everything could make sense! Strange stuff already happens in the world everyday!” Satu argued.

“Not of that caliber, it doesn’t. Also, if I twisted the truth around a little bit, people could assume I’m a duck!” Rossa added, slightly teasing.

Rossa pushed the book back on the desk, and looked up suddenly, as if listening for something.

------

He should turn here, he smelled it. Sauntering down the grass to the back of the house, he sensed her companion more strongly.

Rossa looked away and laughed.

Knock knock

There he stood shadowed and tall and his sinister smirk darkened his face. He wore a black shirt and black jeans, adorned lightly in chains. He wore eyeliner and some sort of black lipstick for some peculiar reason. Satu screamed lightly and as it died away she stared at his menacing and strange appearance with great fear.

Rossa jumped and turned around. She looked in shock at the young man in the doorway for several long seconds. Satu’s heart pounded in her chest as the seconds heaved by.

“F-faolan…!” Rossa finally exclaimed in disbelief. She ran to the glass door and yanked it open, and jumped up to hug him around his neck. He smiled brightly.

“Rossa!”

“I’ve missed you so much!”

Satu continued staring, bemused as the strange looking teen held Rossa up while she dangled, feet off the ground, from his neck.

“Wh-wha-what?” Satu squeaked out.

Rossa dropped from his neck and turned around to smile at her.

“This is Faolan, my brother.”

“Hey,” he greeted casually, with a hint of pride. Satu’s mouth dangled open.

“Your, brother?” she asked, exasperated.

“Yes!”

“I see no resemblance whatsoever. I’m sorry, maybe it’s the…” Satu gestured at her own face, miming ‘makeup’.

“Makeup? Oh. Yeah…that’s just his style,” Rossa said with an ear to ear grin.

“Right. How old are you? Nineteen? Twenty maybe?” Satu asked.

“We’re twins!” Rossa’s smile didn’t falter.

Satu choked slightly and unnoticeably, “Seventeen as well? This is incredible.”

“It is! We’re fraternal twins!” Rossa replied. She turned back and hugged him around the waist. He laughed as Satu stared at them indecisively. She really shouldn’t have fallen on those cakes.

As she gazed at them, something familiar rang in the back of her head. Such a similar image. Then she shook her head, “I need to get more sleep.”

Rossa and Faolan began speaking too quietly for Rossa to hear.

“Rossa, I saw the cakes. This isn’t good,” Faolan whispered.

“I’m sorry! It was her,” Rossa quietly gestured to a distracted Satu, who was looking once again at the book of fairy tales, “She came out of nowhere and tripped me. I dropped the bottle and she fell onto the cakes.”

“Well you know you should have been delivering them earlier! How on earth did you get her to take you here?” Faolan hissed.

“I used psychology on her. I told her that her mother shouldn’t assume things so she’d decide to take a stranger home.” Rossa explained. Faolan gave her a questioning look and she sighed, “long story, really.”

“Why did you come here then?” Faolan interrogated.

Rossa looked away from her brother’s eyes to stare at her shoes, “So I wouldn’t get in trouble with Mother.”

“Rossa!” Faolan pleaded, “If you had gone to Mother we might have been able to fix this more easily! We’re in a heap of trouble now!”

“I’m sorry, Faolan!”

“We need to go. Now. Say goodbye to your new friend.”

Rossa nodded and turned away from the conversation before coming up to Satu and giving her a friendly hug.

“Thanks for the chocolate, and don’t worry about the wine or cakes.”

Satu nodded hesitantly.

“I thought you’d stay. I thought I’d made a friend,” Satu distantly spoke.

“Sorry, we have some family trouble we’re going to need to take care of. I don’t know if I’ll be able to find your house again, but if I do, I’ll come and visit you. Alright then, bye!”

“Bye!” She shouted, her voice fading out as she realized they couldn’t hear her, they had already dashed through the glass door, letting it slam back into place.

For a moment, Satu fancied it was a looking glass, and the two were dashing back into the Looking Glass world. A looking glass could be anything that reflected images and could be used as a mirror. Satu went closer to the door and stared at it and saw her solemn face. A looking glass…

Picking up the book of fairy tales again, she stared at the cover for some time and then put it safely back on her desk. She pounced onto her bed and willingly tumbled into sleep.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 6
I like this story a lot. It's very similar - VERY similar - to one of my own. You had a few grammatical errors, but, as you said, that's not your main concern. Some paragraphs should be joined, some sentences should be connected.

". . . Rossa dropped from his neck and turned around to smile at her.

“This is Faolan, my brother.”"

These two should be joined, you know the drill. The way I see it, Satu should be angrier - or sadder - about Rossa's "betrayal" at the end. I know I would be, but hey, when was the last time I was in THAT situation? lol.

"A looking glass could be anything that reflected images and could be used as a mirror." This is completely unecessary. We all probably know what a looking glass is, except for the poeple, unlike Satu, who do NOT read fairy tales. I love how you tied the actual fairy tales in. Faolan is very cool, I like him.

"Rossa dropped from his neck and turned around to smile at her.

“This is Faolan, my brother.”" These two sentences should not be separate paragraphs.

Yeah, I am definitely going to read chapter two. Good stuff!
"Every decision you make, every step you take, every thought you ponder, every place you wander, your curse will follow, and infect all who are around you. Keep to yourself, save others from a horrible death . . . or life.”




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 89
Hey! Sorry that it is so close to your story! That's a complete coincidence, I promise!

Thankyou for the review and I'll be making changes very soon in the future.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 89
Incredibly sorry for the bump. I'm in desperate need of reviews!



what are we?? Writers!!! What are we allergic to?? Giving our characters happiness!!
— creeperfeverdreams