The Billion Dollar Murder

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The Billion Dollar Murder

I was drinking my morning vodka and orange juice. I used to drink coffee in the morning, but it didn’t seem to have the kick I need to wake me up. And that’s exactly what I needed this morning. It was five o’clock in the morning, and way too early to be awake on A Saturday morning. I really wanted to get back into bed and snuggle under the covers, but that wasn’t going to happen. The police called me about a half an hour ago to tell me about a new case. Apparently it was a tough one, but then again aren’t they all. I took a few more sips of vodka and decided I should get ready; it was going to be a long day.
I ran upstairs to my bedroom to get dressed. Black dress slacks, a navy blue blouse, and black leather boots were my choice of clothes. It wasn’t super fancy, but I’m not the fanciest person in the world so it works. I pulled my long red hair up into a ponytail and grabbed my badge, notebook, pen, and cell phone off my dresser. Finally I was ready.
On the way down the stairs I called my assistant. I love taking her on cases; she takes the best notes, and is usually the first person to find a clue. I really just call her my assistant, she’s more like the sister I never had. I sat on the bottom of the stairs and dialed the phone. I waited a few seconds until I got an answer.
“Columbia?” I said.
“Yeah?” a tired voice said. “You have another case don’t you?”
“Yes, you need to get over here soon as possible, at least 15 minutes.” I explained
“Sure, I’ll be there.” She said all of a sudden serious.
“Good.”
She hung up without saying goodbye.
I went to wait in my living room; I didn’t exactly feel like watching TV, mostly because if I did I would get distracted. So I decided to catch up on my detective reading. I have many books on law, past cases, and other things. I grabbed a random one off the shelf and read for awhile. All of a sudden the doorbell rang scaring the heck out of me. I had lain across the couch, completely engulfed in the book I was reading. It was about Jack the Ripper, one of the creepiest killers ever. I stuck a piece of paper in the book, set it on the table, and ran to the door.
“Hey!” I said as I opened the door.
“Hey, Magenta!” Columbia exclaimed as she hugged me.
Columbia was my best friend since grade school. I don’t know why she decided to get into this business with me though; she’s kind of squeamish. She has dark brown hair, blue eyes, and cream colored skin. She was wearing blue jeans, a plain black t-shirt, and tennis shoes. She’s just as non-fancy as I am.
“Nice to see you too,” I said. “But we need to get going!”
“Ok.”
I grabbed my keys off a table next to my door and my favorite jacket that was hanging up. Then we were out the door to Columbia’s car. After buckling up and turning down the stereo that she had turned up all the way blaring throughout the car, she started asking me questions.
“So where are we going?”
“Ummm, it’s a little outside downtown, you know where all those rich people live.”
“Oh yeah,” She said as she pulled out of my driveway. “What kind of case are we looking at?”
“The police said something about a murder, I don’t know much right now.
We drove in silence the rest of the way; I guess she was lost in thought or something. We pulled into the driveway of a huge house, scratch that, it was a mansion. It had gates at the front, a giant lawn, and it looked to have about four floors. We knew we were at the right place, there were police everywhere, and yellow tape that said do not cross around the house. We got out of the car, and Columbia went to the back to get out our detective gear. It was in a silver suit case. In it was gloves, a magnifying glass, and many other useful things.
We wondered up the driveway towards the police chief. When we found him he was talking to some other cop. He was a tall man; I’d say about 6’4. His hair was short almost a buzz cut, very bushy eye brows, dark chocolaty brown eyes, a mustache, and tan skin.
“Hello, I‘m officer Milo Manwell” he said in the friendliest voice possible. “You must be the detective Magenta Mills and Her Assistant Columbia Peterson”
“Yes,” I replied. “So what kind of murder we dealing with?”
“A big one, no major clues or suspects yet, that’s why we called you.” He explained.
I sighed. “Ok, can we look at the crime scene?” I asked.
“Of course,” He said. “I’ll tell you more on the way.”
He led us up the driveway, in the back.
“It’s a male 41 years old, killed in his home sometime last night or early this morning.” Milo said as we walked up the stairs to the Third floor.
“Do you at least know what he was killed with?” Columbia asked.
“He was shot square in the head.” He said. “But we can’t find the gun anywhere.”
“Great.” was all I could say.
“He was shot in the forehead right? No other wounds?” Columbia asked taking down notes.
“Yes.” Milo said.
We stopped at a white door.
“This is it,” he said. “I’ll just leave you too alone to do your work”
With that he was on his way down the stairs again. Columbia opened up the silver suit case first so we could put our gloves on. I was just about to open the door when I noticed something.
“What?” Columbia said.
“Look at the door.”
There was a shoe print on there. It looked like someone had kicked the door open. It was a high-heel, and by the look of it, probably size 10 or 11. I grabbed a camera out of the suit case and snapped a picture.
“How strange.” I said.
Columbia opened the door after I put the camera back. It was an office. A desk with laptop was on the far wall, with a file cabinet on each side. In front of the desk was a burgundy computer chair. In it was our murder victim. It was just as Milo had said shot square in the head, no way else to put it. Blood had oozed out of the wound down his face, but most of it had dried now. The look of horror on his face was haunting, I wish they had just taken his body to the morgue to be examined. As I looked him over I realized who he was with a shock.
“Columbia! Do you know who this is?” I exclaimed.
1 “No.” She said.
“This is Charles Riches.” I explained. “He’s a billionaire. He owns about 5 of the hottest clubs in California.”
“Who would want to kill someone who owns a few clubs?” She said.
“Who knows.’
“You ready to get to work?” Columbia said after a few minutes.
“Oh, yeah, sorry!”
I made sure my gloves were on nice and tight, and got to work. I decided to check out his desk first. There was a picture of him, his wife, and kids. He had brown graying hair, blue eyes, and tan skin. His wife had paper white pale skin, blue eyes, and black hair. His two twin boys were exactly like that. His daughter didn’t look like either of them, she had dark brown hair, pale skin, and green eyes. I thought that was kind of weird. I showed Columbia the picture and she thought the same thing.
“Do you think she was adopted or something?” I said.
“I don’t know.”
We kept looking at his desk when we found his will. Everybody was on it, except his daughter. But there was also a name on there I didn’t recognize. It was a women’s I didn’t know if it was anyone in his family or what, the name was Sara Stevens.
“I definitely want to question her. She’s on the top of my suspect list.” Columbia said.
“Yeah, me too.” I said.
“Let’s keep, looking, we may be able to find something else.” Columbia said.
I leaned on the chair looking at the desk, when I noticed something on Mr. Riches shirt. It was a long strand of blonde hair. I pulled it carefully off his shirt, there was a little dried blood on it. I realized that no one in his family had blonde hair and no one else we had scene so far on the scene had blonde hair. We would have to check who had all been in the room. But just in case.
“Columbia, could you hand me one of the little bags out of the case?”
“Yeah no problem.” she said
I stuck it in the bag and put it back in the suit case. We couldn’t seem to find anything else in this room, so we decided to go downstairs and question people. On the way down we ran into Mrs. Riches. Not the first person I wanted to talk to, but she would work. She was crying and trying to wipe away her tears with an initialed handkerchief.
“Mrs. Riches, may we have a word with you?” I asked.
“Sure.” She said sniffling
We sat at her kitchen table. She was drinking some herbal tea trying to calm her nerves, Columbia was drinking a diet coke, and I was drinking a bottled water. I let Mrs. Riches take a few sips of her tea and calm down a bit before I asked her any questions. She was still a little teary, but I needed to get this over with.
“Mrs. Riches, did you notice your husband acting strange?” I asked.
“Oh please call me Sally, and yes well I mean strange for him.” she said nervously.
“Ok, Sally. Can you tell us how he was acting strange?” Columbia questioned.
“It wasn’t exactly strange, it was different for him, I found out he had been cheating on me, it was such a shock, I thought he would never do such a thing!” She said on the verge of tears again.
“Do you know who he was cheating on you with?” I said.
“Yes, some bimbo from the office. I came to the office one day to surprise him for lunch, and I was the one surprised, they were all over each other on his desk!” She exclaimed now in tears.
“Please calm down Mrs. Riches!” Columbia said.
“Calm down? Calm down?” She yelled. “What do you mean calm down? That dumb blonde bimbo ruined my perfect marriage!”
“We need you to calm down so we can keep talking to you!” I said.
“I need a drink!” She said.
She grabbed her tea and threw the mug into the sink, shattering it. I noticed that on the cup it read number one wife. She went to the cupboard and grabbed a bottle of wine, no cup just, the bottle. She took the cork off and put the bottle to her lips.
“Please, Mrs. Riches, we can’t have you drunk.” I said.
“Too late.” she said
She set the bottle down, it was almost empty. I was never going to get anything out of her now, but at least I had another suspect. The alcoholic house wife from hell. I got up, I didn’t need to see anymore.
“Come on Columbia, let’s go see if anyone else is here.” I said.
“Ok.” She said getting up from the table.
As we left the kitchen I began to go over the clues and suspects we had so far. His daughter and wife are the main suspects right now. The will, foot print on the door, and blonde hair with blood on it.
“Do you have any ideas yet?” I asked as we walked out the back door.
“Not really.” Columbia said looking over her notes.
I wasn’t looking where I was going and I accidentally ran into his daughter. She was so mad, I thought she was going to back hand me. She was crying, her mascara was running down her face.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to run into you Miss Riches.” I said.
“Next time watch where your going!” she yelled.
“I just came out here to find you to talk to you.” I said.
“Ok.” She said calming down.
This time we were at the back patio. She was still crying, but trying to calm down. She wiped away some tears.
“I was just wondering did you know about your father cheating on you mother?” I asked.
“Yes, but only about a day or two before she did.”
“Ok, did you ever talk to this women.” Columbia asked.
“Once, after school, I went to my dad’s office to hang out and get some help with homework. She was his secretary/assistant so I had to wait outside his office with her.”
“You said your in school? How old are you?” I asked.
“I’m only 16.” She said.
“One more thing, what size shoe do you wear?”
“A 6, why?”
“Just needed to know, oh you don’t happen to know what size your mother wears do you?”
“She’s a 6 too.”
“Well Miss Riches, that’s all I really wanted to ask you” I said.
“Oh ok, and please next time call me Valerie, Miss Riches is too formal.” she said.
“Oh Valerie one more thing. Can we search your room?” I asked.
“Ummm yeah, I guess that’s ok.” she said.
We went back into the house up to her room. It was on the 2nd floor, the walls were a pale shade of pink. There was a queen sized bed, 2 dressers, a desk, and tons of stuffed animals everywhere. I wondered over to her desk, where her backpack was sitting. I took a peek inside, there was a blonde wig and a gun. I didn’t think it made any sense though, she seemed so upset, either she was a really good actress or she was really that upset.
I took the wig and gun out of the backpack and put them in the suit case. We decided we didn’t need anything else from this room. We wondered outside again.
“Do you think we have enough from here?” I asked.
“Yeah let’s get out of here.” Columbia said.
We walked down the drive way the car. We got into the car and buckled up, but we didn’t get ready to go yet. We wanted to talk a little before we headed back to my place.
I sighed. “This is the toughest case we’ve had so far.” I said.
“No doubt about that.” Columbia said.
“Ya know, I think we should go talk to some people at Mr. Riches office.” I suggested
“Not a bad idea. We might even get to talk to his secretary.” Columbia said.
Columbia started the car and pulled out of the driveway. We drove down the highway, towards downtown LA. We came to a tall building in the middle of downtown. Luckily someone was pulling out of a parking spot so we could park right in front of the building.
We went inside. It was really quiet, like eerie quiet. There was a desk with a women sitting behind it and a few chairs and couches. It was a little waiting room. I went to the women behind the desk. She was typing on a computer, she looked like she barely noticed that we were there.
“Excuse me, can you tell us what floor is Mr. Riches office.” I asked.
“ The 23rd floor.” she said not even looking up.
“Thanks.” I said.
We went to the elevator and pushed the button. We waited for it to come. We got on and hit the button that said 23. It seemed like the elevator was going super slow. When we got to the 23rd floor we were met with another women sitting behind a desk typing on a laptop. I suspected she was Mr. Riches secretary. She had long blonde hair, blue eyes, and had one of the fakest tans I had ever seen. She looked like she had come right out of bay watch.
“Hello,” I said leaning on the desk. “I’m detective Magenta Mills, and this is my assistant Columbia Peterson.”
“Hello.” she said. “What can I do for you.”
“I just want to ask you a few questions.” I said.
“Fine.”
She got up from the desk, and went to a fridge next to the desk to get something to drink. While she was digging in the fridge, I looked at the name plate on her desk. It read Sara Stevens, the same name on Mr. Riches will. I wondered if Columbia noticed it too. She came back up holding a coke, and looking suspicious of both of us, when it should have been the other way around.
“So what do you want to ask?” she questioned.
“Nothing really,” I said. “Just how long you and Mr. Riches were sleeping together!” I exclaimed.
“How dare you!” She yelled slamming her coke down on the desk. “I would never do such a thing!”
“Oh don’t play dumb with me!” I yelled.
“You’ll never get anything out of me!” She screamed.
And with that she left stomping towards the elevator.
“When I get back I want you two out of here or I’ll call security! I mean it!” She yelled as she got into the elevator.
“At least this gives us a chance to go through his office.” Columbia said.
“Yeah.” I said. “Did you notice she was wearing high heels?”
“Yeah, I didn’t get a good look at them though”
“Me neither.”
We wondered into his office. It looked a little like his office at home, except I noticed there was a security camera up in the corner, maybe I could look at the videos from the last few days.
“Hey Columbia, do you think the security guards will let us see the security videos from the last few days?” I asked.
“Probably,” She said. “Do you want to check?”
“Yeah, lets see.”
We went upstairs to speak to the security people. It was all high tech, tons screens. About three people were sitting in front of the screens. I went up to one of them, I tapped him on the shoulder.
“Um excuse me I’m detective Magenta Mills and this is my assistant Columbia Peterson, we were wondering if we could see the videos from Mr. Riches office from the last few days.” I said.
“Yeah sure, just a second.” he said.
He went over to a wall of full of DVD boxes. He pulled out about 5.
“We decided to go to DVDs since the videos were taking up so much space.” he said
“Ok, thanks.” I said taking them.
We decided to leave after we got them. Back in the car we both thought it was a good idea to go back to my place and watch them. It was another silent drive. When we got back I set the DVD’s on my coffee table in front of the TV. Columbia and I wondered into the kitchen to get something to drink. I was planning on something alcoholic. I had a beer, I know so original. Columbia had her usual diet coke. We sat on the couch and started with some random one. I stuck it in. When it started up, I almost spit out my beer.
“What the freak!” I yelled choking on my beer.
“Oh my gosh!” Columbia yelled.
We had just seen Sara do something I didn’t expect. It was true that Valeria had gone to see him for school the other day, she left her back pack next to Sara’s desk and went into Charles’s office to talk. When she was gone, Sara put some things into here backpack, including the blonde wig and the gun. I was shocked. We watched a little longer. Valeria came back. Picked up her backpack, made a comment about how it was a little heavier, but didn’t check it. Valerie gives her dad a hug and leaves. Sara was back at her desk acting completely innocent.
“What the hell!” I yelled.
“I know!” Columbia said.
“You would think after this long we wouldn’t be so surprised.” I said
“Yeah.” Columbia said with a sigh
“Lets watch another one, maybe we’ll find something else.” I said putting another one in and leaning back.
Mr. Riches was sitting at his desk. He was writing what looked to be his will. Sara came in slinking around. She came over and sat on his desk. She looked down at what he was doing then “accidentally” knocked his drink onto his lap. He jumped up and ran to go clean it up. She took out some white out and white-ed out Valerie on the will. Then she added her own name with the pen he had been using. It looks like she had been practicing his had writing. He came back, and she grabbed a hold of him and kissed him. Before he could look at his will she asked him “Do you want me to get this copied for you” as she picked up the will. “Yes” he said kissing her more. That was the end of that DVD.
“Do we need anymore evidence?” Columbia asked.
“No.” I said.
“The let’s go get our guy.” I said.
“You mean girl” Columbia said.
“Whatever let’s just get her!”
We were back at the office with police back up. I went to up to Sara and slammed my fist on the desk to get her attention.
“Sara Stevens you are under arrest!” I yelled.
“What?” She screamed.
“You heard me.” I said. “Take her away.”
A cop came around her desk and cuffed her. We all walked down into the elevator.
“At least tell me how you figured it out!” She said.
“Fine,” I said. “There were many clues including, the security camera, and the will with your name on it, but the biggest one of all was the blonde wig and the gun in his daughter’s backpack, which is where you also screwed up. You framed the wrong person. I knew it couldn’t have been her, she was crying like crazy when I met her at the crime scene.”
“Also, in her room I noticed she had a picture of them together at her middle school graduation.” Columbia said. “They were too close. There was no motive for her to kill him!”
“You had all the motive. On the will, it said you were entitled to 10 million dollars if he died, which obviously you wrote!” I exclaimed.
“You are way too clever for your own good!” Sara yelled.
“Or you’re too stupid” I said.
We finally reached the lobby. The police took Sara and put her in the back of a police car. They said if they had a court date set they would call us. This had been a good day after all. So Columbia and I sat back down in the car and buckled up.
“That wasn’t so bad.” I said
“Yeah, but I could really go for some coffee and some chocolate.” Columbia exclaimed.
“Well I guess I could make you some coffee and I think I have about three chocolate bars for just such a chocolate craving.” I said with a laugh.
“Good.” Columbia said
We drove back to my house laughing. We were glad that we had solved the case so easily and we get to celebrate with coffee and chocolate! It was the perfect end to such a crappy day.
Last edited by ShadowQueen92 on Tue Jun 10, 2008 1:50 am, edited 3 times in total.
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face~Johnny Depp"




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This is one of my favorite stories that I've written so please be kind ^-^
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face~Johnny Depp"




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I'm afraid I found this hard to get into; first of all it was difficult to identify with the character because the tone came across as, well, a bit dull. She's just about to go off to a murder scene, and is thinking about wanting to 'snuggle' back down in her bed? She seemed too nice for lack of a better description.

I was confused as well; is she a police officer? If not, in what capacity does she work on crimes? If she isn't a police officer, or a forensic examiner, it makes it rather unrealistic, especially in that one minute she's examining the body and the next quizzing potential suspects.

I'm guessing it's set in modern times, and yet some of it was confusingly old-timey (i.e. detective gear? Drinking vodka for breakfast? Having a magnifying glass????)

The characters emotions seem all over the place as well; for example, Valerie is one minute yelling, the next telling her to call her by her first name. And having everyone start screaming at each other is a bit over the top.

In all, it went far too fast. One minute they're at the house, the next they're questioning people, the next they're across town talking to the secretary, all in rapid succession. It makes it even more difficult to identify with the characters or get into the story.

I'd say the description needs a bit of work, and there needs to be much more of it and of a different kind. As it is there is a lot of little bits of insignificant information, while the important descriptions are a bit lacking. I personally don't want to know what they're wearing to work, or an exact description of every person or place, unless it's important to the story, but I wouldn't mind a more gory description of the corpse. :wink:

What does the blood look like? What colour is it (obviously red, but blood ranges from bright red to purply), where has it congealed? What does the bullet hole look like? What position is the guy in the chair in? Is he slumped forwards? Or backwards?

Finally, grammar; try and remember to write numbers out properly (i.e. the twenty-third floor, not 23rd floor :wink:) and at one point you've put 'secretary/assistant' in a bit of dialogue. Choose one or the other.

Try not to have too many 'I said's or 'I exclaimed', and be careful of repetition.

I'd say it could be quite good, but the dialogue needs work to make it more realistic, and you need to slow down a bit so it doesn't come across as several plot points being crammed into a short bit. :wink:

A note on formatting also; try to leave a line between each paragraph and line of dialogue on here, because it makes it easier for people to read.
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor




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ShadowQueen92 wrote:The Billion Dollar Murder
I was drinking my morning vodka and orange juice. I used to drink coffee in the morning, but it didn’t seem to have the kick I need to wake me up. And that’s exactly what I needed this morning. It was five o’clock in the morning, and way too early to be awake on A Saturday morning.
-- you repeat yourself quite a lot. You say morning five times in this paragraph. Try to combine some of the sentences. I also think the last sentence is kind of out of place. Try to make it match the previous language that you used. I
ran upstairs to my bedroom to get dressed. Black dress slacks, a navy blue blouse, and black leather boots were my choice of clothes. It wasn’t super fancy, but I’m not the fanciest person in the world so it works.
should be but I'm not the most fashion conscious person in the world so it works.
On the way down the stairs I called my assistant. I love taking her on cases; she takes the best notes, and is usually the first person to find a clue.
Take out the I love taking her on cases...clue sentence. You're revealing too much to the readers. Let them be surprised if the assistant finds the first clue. Otherwise it's not that relevant.
I really just call her my assistant, she’s more like the sister I never had.
-- incomplete thought here. Maybe you say: I really just call her to talk. She's the sister I never had.
“Sure, I’ll be there.” She said all of a sudden serious.
-- she didn't seem serious when she says that she has a new case. Maybe she should be tired. Being serious is too abrupt here.
We drove in silence the rest of the way; [s]I guess she was lost in thought or something[/s].
[s]We pulled into the driveway of a huge house, scratch that, it was a mansion[/s].
It had gates at the front, a giant lawn, and it looked to have about four floors.
-- instead, here say: A mansion loomed above us. It had gates at the front, a giant lawn, and at least four floors.
We knew we were at the right place, there were police everywhere, and yellow tape that said do not cross around the house.
-- instead maybe say: The view would have been perfect if it wasn't for the crime scene tape and the five police cars parked outside.
We wondered up the driveway towards the police chief. When we found him he was talking to some other cop. He was a tall man; I’d say about 6’4. His hair was short almost a buzz cut, very bushy eye brows, dark chocolaty brown eyes, a mustache, and tan skin.
First sentence, wondered should be wandered. Also how do they know he's the chief? Does he have a special badge or something?
“Hello, I‘m officer Milo Manwell” he said [s]in the friendliest voice possible[/s] he said, turning towards us. “You must be the detective Magenta Mills and Her Assistant Columbia Peterson”

“Great.” was all I could say.
“He was shot in the forehead right? No other wounds?” Columbia asked taking down notes.
“Yes.” Milo said.
We stopped at a white door.
“This is it,” he said. “I’ll just leave you too alone to do your work”
-- Usually coroners do an autopsy and find out the cause of death. But you don't have to have one if you don't want.

Since this piece was kind of long, I skimmed through the rest of it. Nice job! I really like cop/CSI kind of stories so I really enjoyed it! Just a few additional suggestions:
1) Make sure your characters fit the mold that you create for them. Sometimes Magenta seems a little too careless or upset. Since she's a detective she should at least show a lot of interest and care in the work she does because it's important.
2) Your dialogue seems stiff at times. Try to think about the way that people talk to one another and transfer that type of dialogue into your writing.
3) Sometimes you explain a little too much. We don't need to know that Columbia is Magenta's best friend. It's just another detail that readers can infer. There are other examples but if you correct the first one and reread the piece you will probably by able to find the others!

Other than that well done! This was very interesting and I really enjoyed reading it :-)



“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind