Memories Before

The result of me bored on a Saturday without my writing book after reading a couple depressing poems. Just quickly done and i don't normally write poems or depressing stuff, but here it is. Enjoy

Memories before
Of the cheer and joy.
Dancing on the rolling green hills,
Us all grinning,
Delight never withering,
While the morning sun smiled down.

But all is chaos now.
Green hills now a dark wasteland,
Faces turned to skulls,
The bones dance around me,
Cackling, taunting, mocking me.

Trees age and shrivel
The savage winds blow
Terrifying screams pierce the ears.
And I'm the only one left.

I cannot resist.
Manic, wicked, they turn me.
No more.

I jump to black death.

This is really goo. I love love the way you use imagery to convey your feelings. I think that you can make it more dramatic by adding a few commas and periods here and there. Another thing you can do to add to the effect is to seperate your last line from the rest of the stanza so it would look like this:



Trees lose leaves and shrivel
Terrifying screams all around
The torment, the pain
And im the only one left

I jump to black death. (add a period at the end of this line)

Hope this helped, pm me if you need anything and read the first chapter of my book if you have time.

Nilou

Hey Jesse. Enjoying YWS?

So this poem didn't really wow me. In my head, I knew the concept and word choice was alright, but I failed in my heart to feel the emotion. It didn't convince me. I couldn't believe that the speaker ever felt this bad, or even had that memory.

The imagery was questionable at times. I wasn't sure if I liked the bones jumping around, or felt the screams and sudden blackness. It all came on too quick, and before you know it, the poem is over. The language seemed out of place, perhaps even overstated at times.

However, all that said, your commitment is evident. You have talent, so I hope my critque helped.

Eimear

Hello!
I love how you had the before and after scenes, really awesome!
Only a few problems though...


1) There is no puntuation!


2)

And I'm the only one left

3)

I jump to black (a) death...<<

would you have used the 'A'?

The part about black death seems overused to me and random. That's the only part I dislike.

I love this part.

Dancing on the rolling green hills,

I haven't ever heard it before and I endear it now.

I think everyone else has highlighted the main errors.

Main point from me: watch your structure and its consistency.

Overall it's a good effort and a nice use of imagery.

Keep up the good work.

I really do like the contrasting images, but I have to agree about the emotion part. I just really couldn't FEEL this one.

All in all, great job!

~ Eden