This is a Suicide Poem

To whom it may concern,

that is me, laying there;
have I ever looked so beautiful?

I will imagine: that pale skin
- so, so like Snow White -
is not the makeup I have forever garbed, and that knowing stare,
that gaze that can see forever and ever, is as blind
as it is perceptive, seeing through this world, and the next,
and the next, and our world, and the world of
beauty, and of fairies, and of love.

Is it not beautiful? I am as a lover that dies for her beloved,
I am as a hero that dies for innocents,
I am as a martyr that dies for belief. And I am gone,
a memory you can cherish or curse,
as you will; I am me, and you are you.

Would you have it any other way?


Sincerely,

Me.

Wow. Extremely poignant. Your description is elegant and deeply moving.

To improve it, I think you could improve your lineation:

"Is it not beautiful?
I am as a lover that dies for her beloved..."

This seems more logical than what is currently above. You could also cut out some of the unnecessary words, such as the repeated 'and', like this:

"as it is perceptive, seeing through this world, and the next,
and the next, and our world,
the world of
beauty, fairies, love."

This would reduce any needless dead weight, making the piece far more straightforward and thus more effective. Nonetheless, this was excellent. Good work. 9/10

i hope this isn't YOUR suicide letter cuz you're too cool and i'm sure everyone would miss you a lot
-ailam

I think you did very well in writing this, but I do have to agree with Gahks. You need to work on your lineation a bit. It made it seem more like a letter than a poem because the lines weren't seperated like they should have been. Other than that though, it was pretty good. From my point of view it was nothing special. Although that could jus be because I've written a number of suicide poems myself.

Incredible. It was extremely chilling and powerful, very elegant, like Gahks said.


"I will imagine: that pale skin
- so, so like Snow White -
is not the makeup I have forever garbed, and that knowing stare, I'd capitalize 'is' at the beginning of the line
that gaze that can see forever and ever, is as blind
as it is perceptive, seeing through this world, and the next,
and the next, and our world, and the world of
beauty, and of fairies, and of love." You might want to replace the period with a comma, to connect it with the first line of your next verse, because isn't that a continaution of the same thought? Shouldn't it be: "Is not the makeup I have forever garbed... is it not beautiful?" Because otherwise the first stanza isn't a complete thought.

This was very affecting, very compelling and potent. Excellent:)

Awesome =]]

tis kinda my style, so i like it ^.^

some of it was a bit confusing with the layout, but the wording is amazing, i like muchies =]

I especially liked the first verse, it was decriptive and added atmosphere, quite gothic =P

Keep it up, Eva XxXxX

I often think, that through negative suggestion that people try so hard not to make their work cliched or well-worn that the end result is just that. In this poem, it is not so. I would definately second one of the other reviewers in saying that this was a poignant, sensational piece of writing that was almost as beautiful as a human thought in itself.

You handled the issue without self conciousness or awkwardness. You just told it the way you wanted to tell it. The right way.

I really especially liked the description of the eyes. The eyes of the dead are two seemily versitle things, they can mean that the person is gone, perhaps always twinkling, or even, as you so adptly put it, almost as portals into another world.

and that knowing stare,
that gaze that can see forever and ever, is as blind
as it is perceptive, seeing through this world, and the next,
and the next, and our world, and the world of
beauty, and of fairies, and of love.

In a word? Wow.

I also loved the overall structure; you deviated from any norm and did it in your own style. The imagery took my breath away. The poem was awesome, dude. I really struggle to put it any other way.

Good luck with your talent,

Eimear

The ending of the 3rd stanza is a little corny sounding, of course, it's hard to write a poem without a little cornballin'. But the whole 4th stanza is awesome. I would try to focus more on beats and not ending on puncuations so much, it's poetry, let it breathe.

This is absolutley beautiful. That's really all I have to say. I Love It.<3

Rather brilliant. the first powerful suicide poem I've ever read that wasn't by Sylvia Plath or someone. XD

I guess I don't totally fathom it... my interpretation is that it's about the way people romanticize suicide? But I don't now.

Anyway, this is a useless critique, I just wanted to say kudos on an elegant and haunting poem.

I agree with RiDarling. This is a beautiful poem. I love where you put the line breaks. I never would have thought of putting there but you did, and it sounds so serene and calm.

I love the words you used, especially "garbed."

I have only one thing worth critiquing.

that is me, laying there;

* Humans lie on the bed. Sarah lied down on the floor. Things can lay. The blanket was laid on top of the bed.

So "laying" should be "lied."

Anyway, like I said, this is a lovely poem. :]
- Summerless <3~