Painted Phenomenon

Painted Phenomenon
Beauty was never a choice,
Love was never to be.
For I was born to be a monster,
Scarred as nothing but defeat.

I hide behind this painted mask,
Holding back on all of my dreams;
Hoping for an instant change,
A blessing not made for me.

Give me the feeling of want,
Hand me the feeling of need.
For all I know is this loneliness,
Which is slowly killing me.

Heal my wounds with devotion,
Sew up my heart with despair.
Strip my face of confinement
Release my wrist of these chains.

Tell me I was made for a reason,
A puppet not made for your show.
Cut the strings and set me free,
Excluding me from this fantasy.

This was really good! I didn't see any mistakes.

I loved the feeling behind it. XD It was sweet and sad!

Sorry this didn't help much. keep on writing. I loved it!

Jamie

This is a bit too tell-y. That is, you tell us about your mask and everything, but you really don't make us sense anything. Instead of just telling us about the chains and your heart and your wounds and all that other stuff, make us feel it. For instance, you can probably do something about how you feel like a puppet and make us sense your movements and how you feel pulled from your strings and how all you can breathe in is the sawdust that falls off as your puppeteer sands you to a more "perfect" form. So basically, take an idea that is simple and run with it. Don't tell us anything -- create something beautiful.

Hope that helps!

Hey SkaterPunk2011,

I felt left out as the reader in this. As the second stanza started I wondered who it was exactly you wanted that feeling of want to come from etc. At first I saw it as a lover, but then it changed to a stranger, or just another living person.
Perhaps showing the reader more of who it is you are reaching out for, or even what it is, if indeed it is personification.
The last lines sound stressed to me, as if they are holding an extra syllable.

Heal my wounds with devotion,
Sew up my heart with despair.
Strip my face of confinement
Release my wrist of these chains.

I admire this stanza. It shows alot much it a very poetic way. However, I feel the last line disappoints me - it converges on a very over-used phrase/idea...I basically see a cliche in front of me.

Tell me I was made for a reason,
A puppet not made for your show.
Cut the strings and set me free,
Excluding me from this fantasy.

This stanza makes me think hard about who it is you are really trying to communicate with. I think the puppet thing is a little over used as well.

But overall, I think this is a good poem with a good message to give, but at the moment it sounds stressed and a bit unoriginal.
Those three lines I highlighted before made it for me.

Keep writing and all the best,
Ink