Eleven Days In Hell #3

8 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3762
Reviews 201
The sunlight peeked through the blinds and streamed into Arnold’s eyes. He stirred, waving at the sunlight as if it were a physical entity. If it weren’t for his cell phone buzzing on the counter, he never would have felt motivated to rise from the couch. The television was displaying a terribly made infomercial, and he made it a point to spit toward the television in disgust.

Arnold’s phone continued to buzz, vibrating across the counter; he caught it just as it went over the edge. He read the number flashing on the screen—Kevin Bradley—and flipped open his phone. “What?” he answered.

“Arnie, you’re gonna want to come down here. Now.”

Arnold had never heard Kevin so urgent before. “What is it?” he asked.

“Just come down to the station. It’s something very important.”



Arnold pulled up to the police station, and ran inside. He found Kevin pacing by his desk, and before he could ask what the matter was, he was dragged into the evidence room. Kevin closed the door behind them and flicked on the lights.

“Okay,” Kevin said as he rummaged through the evidence boxes. “While we were sorting through the things in her purse, we found the usual things that would be there—make-up, wallet, feminine hygiene products—but it was when we were looking through her cell phone that we noticed something strange. We noticed that her screen had weird green wallpaper, and what looked like a counter for something. When we browsed through her messages, we noticed that she was being very cautious about what she was saying. It was when I looked back through received messages that I noticed something that troubled me, so I called you right away.”

“What is it?” Arnold asked uneasily.

“Take a look for yourself.”

Kevin handed the cell phone over to Arnold, who nearly dropped the phone at what he read.

“You have eleven days to live. Live them wisely.”

The same feeling of dread fell over him reading this message that fell over him the day before in the parking lot. “Do you know when this message was sent?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

Kevin sighed and said, “August 14, exactly eleven days before she was murdered.”

“Were you able to trace it back to a number?”

“So far, no; it came from a restricted number, and we haven’t contacted the wireless company to do some tracing. But I’ll bet that whoever sent her this text also sent it to you. It’s nothing really, but I just thought I’d let you know what’s going on.”

“Thanks.”

Arnold slowly walked out of the evidence room. He heard the words that Kevin said—“It’s nothing really”—but something told him that it was more than that. He looked at the counter on his phone. Ten days, ten hours, and 26 minutes. It seemed like such a long time for nothing to be happening.

“Detective!”

Arnold turned to where the voice came from. One of the mailroom workers was jogging toward him, carrying a large box.

“Here,” he said, handing it to him. “This just came in for you.”

Arnold thanked the worker and inspected the box. It was crudely wrapped in brown packing paper, and in permanent marker someone wrote, “Detective Arnold Baxter, c/o Lorendo Police Department.” The rest of the address was neatly written by a postal worker. There was no return address on the box, which made him uneasy. He gently shook the box, and his eyes widened when he heard the faint sound of cogs turning.

Arnold froze—his 32 years of police experience never prepared him for holding a bomb in the middle of a crowded police station. He called out for Kevin, who came rushing into the lobby.

“It’s a bomb,” Arnold said, answering the confused look on Kevin’s face.

A few people walking by froze, eyes wide, wondering if they misheard what he had said. Kevin turned and screamed at the top of his lungs, “We have a 10-79, potential bomb threat! Everyone to position!”

A few officers scrambled to get the bystanders away from Arnold and his lethal package. Out of curiosity, Arnold checked the packing paper for any notes; for some reason, he knew that whoever sent this also sent him the text message, and that he was going to help him survive until September 4, at 7:00 PM—exactly eleven days later. A quick search uncovered a tiny message scribbled in pencil on the bottom: “You have two minutes, Arnold.”

“Less than two minutes until this thing blows!” Arnold shouted. The short time frame eased the tension, but not the urgency, in the room. Bystanders were still being ushered into other rooms, and two members of the bomb squad led him outside into the busy intersection. Officers were already working to clear the streets, frantically yelling at stubborn drivers that a bomb was being brought into the street, and it would be in their best interest to get the hell out of the way.

The bomb squad officers slowly led Arnold to the middle of the intersection and told him to gently place the package on the ground. As soon as the package touched the ground, the officers pulled him back into the building. No one moved as the package sat in the middle of the intersection, the pending explosion stealing the breath from everyone watching. Kevin glanced at his watch. “Take cover in ten seconds,” he said.

Everyone ducked behind benches and parked cars. Ten seconds, and the package was going to spray God knows what across the area. Someone was going to be injured or maimed, and was going to be in the hospital for a long, painful treatment. Six seconds. Arnold could barely watch; he ducked low behind the car, hoping that any shrapnel wasn’t going to bounce under the car and enter his back, paralyzing him. Other officers were beginning to duck down, as well; Kevin counted down the last few seconds, and everyone waited for the inevitable.

The seconds stretched into hours. Nothing was happening, and the tension slowly melted away. Kevin waited another thirty seconds before standing up and calling out, “All clear. It’s just a dud.”

A deafening crash knocked everyone to the ground. Glass in the surrounding stores exploded. Pieces of glass and metal shot everywhere. Arnold heard them enter the car like bullets, shattering the glass and ricocheting off of the wall in front of him. He also heard screams of pain and fright, one of them being his own. A few moments passed, and the last bit of metal that was shot into the air tinkled on the ground. Kevin peaked up from behind his cover, and signaled “All Clear”. Officers cautiously crept into the intersection, searching for anything that would help in an investigation, but there was nothing but slivers of metal, and the occasional twisted shard that offered no help.

Arnold peeked over the top of the car. Several people lay bleeding in the streets, not seriously injured, but enough to require an ambulance. He walked and inspected his little area of street, and saw a smoldering piece of paper lying on the ground. He picked it up, and read the familiar handwriting:

“Cherish your life, Arnold. You don’t have long.”




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 16
Okay. So, I liked it, generally, at first. After a while it was a little too reminiscent of that movie The Ring- "you will die in seven days"- but I'll excuse that since you put a twist on it.

So here are some suggestions-

First:

The television was displaying a terribly made infomercial, and he made it a point to spit toward the television in disgust.


In this sentence, your use of the word television twice is redundant. It made for awkward reading, and if you used "screen" or something else in place of the second television, it would help a lot.

Second, why would his shouting that they had less than two minutes before the bomb would detonate ease the tension in the room? I can't be sure, but I imagine I'd be tense if I thought I was going to blow up in two minutes.


Other than that, the writing was good, it was intriguing, etc. But the end confused me- are they still after him? Is he in the clear? Did somebody kill his ladyfriend and threaten to kill him just to make him appreciate life more? I don't get it!

Good luck.
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
-Oscar Wilde.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 16
Well, after I posted that I realized there were two parts preceding it, so I suppose I may have to retract some statements after reading those...
The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
-Oscar Wilde.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 24
The good thing is, I liked the tone of this piece again. It was tense and precise like the scenes you're describing. It's nice to see its improved after I thought you lost it a bit in the last part.

The plot confuses me a bit at the moment though. If this mysterious killer has given Arnold a countdown to his death, why does he carry on trying to kill him before his time is up. Unless there's a reason for this which you plan to make clear later on, I don't see why the killer has given a countdown despite his plans to kill Arnold before it's over.

If you can come up with a reason for that plot irregularity, this story looks like it could be pretty good :D

Josh




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 28
Good, I liked it. Yes I agree the plots a little confusing, but I think I know why hes trying to kill him before his time is up. reminds me a little on the TV shows my mom watches, like CSI and numb3rs and stuff, but with a different twist. the way you explain it is great. I can really see the places he is, Hear the explosion and crys. I can see the people on the ground and the darkened spot in the middle of the road. its comeing along, so keep writting!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 24
this was good-there was a lot of action! i liked the way you described the bomb exploding but I was a bit confused by the bomb.
I thought Arnold had 11 days to live? Why would the attacker send him a bomb that could kill him in 2 minutes instead of 11 days?
The pupil who is never required to do what he cannot do never does what he can do.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them as much.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 135
This was highly interesting.
But why would the guy want to kill Arnold if he still had a few days? And the guy obviously expected him to live to have the note about cherishing his life, but what if Arnold hadn't opened it in the station? what if he'd opened it in his house? He would've been dead. That defeats the purpose you have given your killer.

Bystanders were still being ushered into other rooms, and two members of the bomb squad led him outside into the busy intersection. Officers were already working to clear the streets frantically yelling at stubborn drivers that a bomb was being brought into the street and it would be in their best interest to get the hell out of the way.


I do not think so. My dad has worked in bomb squad before.
- They'd put up road blocks
- They'd handle it a whole lot faster
- Since when is bomb squad there so fast? Impossible first of all Describe this before, if they'd been there on a training day or something?
- they'd put up road blocks and FORCE drivers away. They'd put a very very wide berth between the bomb and any bystander. Plus, everybody would be freaking out a hell of a lot more. Think about it, if you were a few feet from a bomb you had no idea of, you would think of a lot more than just if shrapnel would catch your spine and paralyze you.

That scene was disappointing. Research about bomb squads and handling of bombs. Also, the package would've been screened and if cogs had been moving inside somebody would've heard it.
Writing gives my life purpose




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2154
Reviews 119
Hello, Roon again, sorry about the wait, today was a big day! Nitpicks:

The sunlight peeked through the blinds and streamed into Arnold’s eyes. He stirred, waving at the sunlight as if it were a physical entity.

I don’t really like your description on the sunshine to be honest. I don’t think the three gel together very well. Also, when you say waves at the sun, it seems almost like your saying he waved to say hello, which is weird. I can understand the peeking bit, but streaming? I just don’t think it matches up. You spend too much time talking about the sun. the reader cares about the story, not the weather.

and he made it a point to spit toward the television in disgust.

Why would he spit in his own house?

Arnold had never heard Kevin so urgent before. “What is it?” he asked.

I don’t someone can be urgent. Say something like, he had never heard such urgency in Kevin’s voice before.

We noticed that her screen had weird green wallpaper, and what looked like a counter for something.

Unless they had seen it on Arnold’s phone, they would not

When we browsed through her messages, we noticed that she was being very cautious about what she was saying.

How could they know this from texts? I don’t think this works to be honest. Also, some people are cautious about what they say over texts anyway.

Kevin sighed and said, “August 14, exactly eleven days before she was murdered.”

He is confirming suspicions, but he doesn't actually know, so he would be asking, question mark here.

“So far, no; it came from a restricted number, and we haven’t contacted the wireless company to do some tracing.

This sounds jarring. Also, if they hadn’t done it, why mention it. At least say ‘yet’.
Also, slightly odd punctuation.

It’s nothing really, but I just thought I’d let you know what’s going on.”

Nothing? He’s been threatened by a murderer!

At this point they would have him transferred to a safe house. Seriously.

“It’s a bomb,”

Umm, would they not have known this when they checked it? If Arnold could tell it was a bomb, I'm sure someone at the front desk would have known too.

Out of curiosity, Arnold checked the packing paper for any notes; for some reason, he knew that whoever sent this also sent him the text message, and that he was going to help him survive until September 4, at 7:00 PM—exactly eleven days later.

Curiosity? If you were holding a bomb I think the least of your worries would be the label. Also, why say for some reason? I think the reader can think for themselves on this point. Also, maybe you should consider breaking this sentence up.

The short time frame eased the tension, but not the urgency, in the room.

In what way would that ease tension? No way, people would just get worse, as they know they’re going to die.

Arnold could barely watch; he ducked low behind the car, hoping that any shrapnel wasn’t going to bounce under the car and enter his back, paralyzing him.

You don’t have to be so specific, just say he was hoping not to get hit by any shrapnel. It sounds odd otherwise.

Other officers were beginning to duck down, as well; Kevin counted down the last few seconds, and everyone waited for the inevitable.

This is kinda oddly punctuated.

Arnold heard them enter the car like bullets, shattering the glass and ricocheting off of the wall in front of him. He also heard screams of pain and fright, one of them being his own.
This is an odd way of putting it. Just say he was screaming in pain and fright, as were others around him. Or something like that. It just sounds odd, also, he wouldn’t just have one scream.

but there was nothing but slivers of metal, and the occasional twisted shard that offered no help.

They could at least test the metal to see what is was, traces of other things could indicate where they got it from, as in the area, etc.

Several people lay bleeding in the streets, not seriously injured, but enough to require an ambulance.

How could he tell there was nothing serious just by looking? He’s no doctor, people could be bleeding internally, etc. damage to the organs, all these things.

He walked and inspected his little area of street, and saw a smoldering piece of paper lying on the ground. He picked it up, and read the familiar handwriting:

It might be my British spelling, but it’s smouldering. Also, familiar implies he knows it well, he’s only seen it once. It was on the bomb, obviously it will be written by the same person.

“Cherish your life, Arnold. You don’t have long.”

This doesn’t quite have the intended effect I fear. It doesn’t send the chill down our spines that I feel it should.

Okay, this was a good piece. However there are a couple of things you didn’t really keep real, the fast response of the bomb squad, their knowing that the green wallpaper was weird, the things I’ve mentioned earlier. It feels, in this piece, as though you were getting a little bored of the story.

The mood of this piece is good, though I feel it has been better in the past two. The pace was a little fast I fear, which you had pretty much spot on in other chapters.

The character development, again, is very little. We learn nothing about your character in this piece. Okay, I’m having trouble believing the plot now, and I can’t connect with your character, which is not a good sign. Your writing style is wonderful, but I think you should take another look at this bit, and take your time over it.

Thank you once again!

~ Roon
The worst tragedy for a poet is to be admired through being misunderstood.

~ Jean Cocteau



I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; Her coat is one of the tabby kind,with tiger stripes and leopard spots.
— T.S. Eliot, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats