When dawn arrives

Prologue

“His blood pressures dropping, Doctor.”

The responsibility for the patient was fully in Kate’s hands. New anxiety welled up in her. She didn’t need this. She’d had more that she could handle already tonight.

“Get the crash cart in here!” Kate yelled, and motioned for a syringe to administer the medication straight to the heart. Her own heart was in her throat. Panic made her hands shake. For the second time that night, she was presiding over a dying patient.

“What’s the deal here?” Dr. John Lincoln asked, frustrated.

“I…I wa….” Kate stammered, but was cut off short by Dr. Lincolns furious glare.

“Did you administer the clot buster?” He demanded, waiting impatiently for a reply.

“I didn’t think it was necessary. His vitals showed no signs of…..” She tried to explain, only to be cut off by his curt exclamation.

“Enough! You’ve wasted enough time already. Now get out of my way so I can save this mans life!” He spat, giving her a brief look of disgust.

She stood there gaping at him. Who does he think he is? Ordering me around like I’m a dog….Why I outta…..

“You can’t just order me around like that!” She stated angrily.

“I said enough Kate! We’ll be lucky if he survives, after all the time you’ve wasted.” He replied before proceeding to administer the medication to the patients IV.

“Your gonna kill him John! You know that that medication is only used when dealing with a heart attack!” She grumbled, recalling a case like this years ago. Just the thought of it sent shivers down her spine. She could still remember what happened, and by God, it wasn’t going to happen again.

Not if there’s something I have to say about it.

“Kate! Enough is enough!” He yelled, making her jump.
Their argument was interrupted by the sudden change in the patients heart beat. His vital signs seem to jump up and down before stopping all together. Suddenly the patient stated shaking uncontrollably then lay still. The life line went flat.

“Oh God! John. Look what you’ve done! You killed him.”

“I..It….But….”John stuttered, raked his shaking hands through his hair, and started pacing.

“Look Goddamn it! You just killed a patient.” She cried, grabbing him by the shoulders and giving him a shake.

“Kate, I swear if you don’t get your damn hands off me, I’m going to…..” He started to say but she cut him off short.

“You’re going to what John? Strangle me? Knock me in the head? Kill me? What John. What are you going to do?” She asked, giving him a sardonic smile.

“I don’t know. What are we going to do?” He asked, the color draining form his face.

“We? There is no we to it John.” She stated blandly, shaking her head and backing up away from him.

“What are you talking about Kate? You are just as much involved in this accident as I am.” He replied, slowly following her.

She felt something solid behind her and knew she had backed herself up against the wall. Swallowing the lump that was growing in her throat, she poked him in the chest.

“That’s where you’re wrong John. I told you not to give him the clot buster didn’t I? But no, you had to be all macho and give him the damn medicine. I swear your nothing but a no good, self-centered, over confident…..What are you doing?” She asked, getting scared, but showing no emotion of it. He had her pinned between the wall and his body. His hands were planted to the wall on each side of her head, leaving her no room to move.

“Kate! Will you shut the hell up and listen for a goddamn minute?” He asked, pressing his body into hers. Kate Ferguison sure did know how to have a man turn upside down in frustration.

“What the hell do you want John? She asked, trying to wiggle out from between the wall and him, only succeeding in making him press against her even more.

"You." He said simply, turning to walk off. She stood there confused. Did he just say he wanted me? She thought. No. He couldn't have said that. Could he?

[quote="*singerofthenight*"]Prologue

Suddenly the patient started shaking uncontrollably then lay still. The life line went flat.

“We? There is no we to it John.” She stated blandly, shaking her head and backing up away from him.

Kate Ferguison sure didn't know how to have a man turn upside down in frustration.
quote]

It sounds almost like she was kid napped.

Wouldn't the docter have called it a day like always and said died at *insert time*

The plot was interesting though.

Good job.

Hey.

There were three major problems I had with this.

One, your punctuation. Needs much work. You end things like this: "Hello." She said. When it should be: "Hello," she said.

Moving on.

Two, the reactions from your characters. Their emotions are jumping all over the place. One moment it's anger, the next it's shocked, the next it's "sardonic", the next they're angry - which leads me to the third problem.

It all happens way too fast. You're throwing this at us in a way that's hard to keep up with. The patient dies, and suddenly he's kidnapping her just because she's freaking out? I don't know, it just doesn't seem to make any sense.

On the plus side, it IS interesting. I kept reading, despite the flaws. This piece has a ton of potential - you just need to fix up the loose ends, make your characters seem more real, and edit.

Hope this helps. Keep writing.

Keep going.


One thing though, if they are in a hospital, he can't just walk out with her hands tied. There will be tapes and such. Ya.


But keep going, you have my attention.


TNC

It made me laugh. And I'm assuming that wasn't the reaction you were going for.

It did move on far too fast, and the plot didn't seem to really make sense, and the characters reactions were all over the place as KJ said.

Also, the medical detail doesn't seem to make sense to me; it isn't at all clear what's going on, and doesn't seem very realistic. For example, if the guy's heart had stopped, they wouldn't just go 'oh well, he's dead'. They can give things, do things to try and counteract it. Only if that didn't work would they call a time of death.

The characters are also completely unbelievable as doctors; you wouldn't make a very good doctor if you started shaking at the first sign of trouble, or yelling at everyone. And were they suddenly alone in the room or something? When this guy is dying? Where have the nurses gone?

It does need some work, but once the major problems have been fixed and it makes a little more sense, it could be quite good. Keep writing.

well.....i think i did forget about the other nurses....ill fix that. um......yeah iknow about the punctuation. thanx for the advice. ill post chapter 1 this afternoon.

i liked it but it does need some work . people die at hospitals all the time, why would he freak? maybe you could say something about the hospital making cut backs and him being on the top of their list, give him a reason to be worried. you could also have him pull out a gun so that she has a reason for not trying to run away. but those are just suggestions, you may have something else in mind, do what you want!

I hope you're going to write some more to that, because it kept me hooked 'til the very end. now, does this big bad doctor man like the lady doctor? (I know they have actual names; I just didn't want to put them in). and also, I don't know how this could be rated "R", personally. it doesn't seem like "R" rated contents. also, you could probably describe the people a bit more. Is John fat and ugly, or skinny and extremely cute? does Kat have a crush on this doctor, or does she completely hate working with him? (the last question is my own curiosity, you don't have to add it to your story ) other than that, Kudos!! ~CJ

You hold good suspense and have great ideas but this is lacking a bit. First of all, John just whips out a piece of rope. Where did he get that rope to tie Kate up?

And most of this is told way too fast. Try slowing it down a little more. Give small but important details that will send the reader to where you want them to be.

Also your grammar and conventions is a little rusty.

“I…I wa….” Kate stammered, but was cut off short by Dr. Lincolns furious glare.

“Did you administer the clot buster?” He demanded, waiting impatiently for a reply.

“Kate, I swear if you don’t get your damn hands off me, I’m going to…..” He started to say but she cut him off short.

“You’re going to what John? Strangle me? Knock me in the head? Kill me? What John. What are you going to do?” She asked, giving him a sardonic smile.

“I don’t know. What are we going to do?” He asked, the color draining form his face.

“We? There is no we to it John.” She stated blandly, shaking her head and backing up away from him.

* should be a lowercase he
* should be a lowercase he
* should be a lowercase she
* should be a lowercase he
* should be a comma. (,)
* should be a lowercase she

There are a few more of these mistakes. Try to search for them and fix them.

Now for the compliments. ;]
You had a strong start and suspenseful ending. That's good. You also had dialogue for each character---but enough so the reader would understand more of how John and Kate were like. Good job.

This was a fun read and I hope my advice helps.
- Summerless <3~

Get ready guys cause Chapter 1 is coming your way! I just got to get up a few more points.

Instead of explaining the emphasism, you could use italics, or bold the world. Also, it could use a bit of revising grammar wise.

I liked it. Very detailed. I was confused a tad when John held her up against the wall, I thought he was going to kiss her or something.

Shall we administer a Critique?


Prologue

“His blood pressure[']s dropping, Doctor.”

She’d had more that she could handle already tonight.

What is that supposed to mean? Has she already done something that made her anxious? Go into detail when you write a sentence like this.

Why I outta…..

Get rid of this. We already know she is angry at him - there is no reason she should quote cartoon characters.

“Your gonna kill him John! You know that that medication is only used when dealing with a heart attack!” She grumbled,

How is she grumbling? You used to exclamation points! Use another verb like, "shouted" or something.

raked his shaking hands through his hair

Nice imagery.

“Look, Goddamn it! You just killed a patient.”

“Kate, I swear if you don’t get your damn hands off me, I’m going to…..” He started to say ,but she cut him off short.

“What the hell do you want, John?

I don’t care how, but you ain’t leaving my sight till this whole damn mess is dealt with.”

He said, before grabbing her wrists and holding them to her side.

“NO! John stop! Ok[ay].

______________________
**OVERALL**

Commas: After the "he said" and "she said" but commas after. When you write your story, read it over aloud so you know whether you natually pause or not.

Characters: I'm sorry, but these characters were all over the place (as somebody already said). Kate at first is worried, then she's angry. At first she seems like an independent woman, but soon, within minutes, is scared to death. Does he even have a gun? No. Could she could have fought him when she was up against the wall? Yeah.

And John. At first he's bossy, which is pretty much his character through out. But when you said, "The color drained from his face." He's worried, scared. Where's that bully who was there moments before?

Plot: I.. do not get it. They are two doctors who lost a patient. They aren't going to be charged with manslaughter - it was an accident. And John shouldn't have been allowed to administer the medicine if he wasn't an experienced doctor in the first place. And if he was, he should have known better.

Also, when John takes Kate out of the hospital, does nobody see her? Does he hide her or does he make her act as if she isn't being kidnapped? Write out the scene. You say, "She wasn't heard from for a year." So probably the next part is going to take place a year later?

What I don't understand is that John did not have a gun or a knife, therefore Kate could have easily screamed with no consequences. She isn't stupid, seeing how she's a doctor, so why didn't she think so scream?

Writing: Extraordinary. The medical procedures were quick, but the reader new exactly what was going on. You can tell how Kate is feeling just about all of them time and, despite her mood swings, you did a fabulous job with your MC.

Dialogue: It flowed pretty smoothly. What your characters said made sense, until your story went all weird and John and Kate started to fear the cops were coming for them. Realize, when a patient dies they have a blanket put over their face, and that is that.

Overall (really) -

At first I was really impressed, and I thought this was really going to go somewhere. Is John in love with her or something, because

1. This is in Romantic Fiction and
2. When he pushed Kate up against the wall, it was like he was going to kiss her or something. But I'm not here to infer, just to critique

Some of this story in nonsensical, like how they lost the patient. Change the story a bit, and if your goal is for John to kidnap Kate or something, make him do it a different way rather than using a situation that would never happen in real life.

Grammer-wise you did beautifully, which I praise you for. I wish everybody could use punctuation properly. Anyway, edit the commas and such and, only if you want to, change around the story.

Keep Writing!

~*Sara*~

re-edited! check it out!

yoo hoo!

re-edited. chapter 1 will be comign along shortly.