The Date

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An annoying buzz penetrated the peaceful dream of Zima Yuzuki, but then he realized it was his cell phone. He opened his phone.
“Hello,” he said tiredly.
“Zima, you lazy son-of-a-gun” a man said on the other side of the line. ”Do you remember that you have a date in an hour…”
“What? What do you mean I have a DATE!!!?”
“Yes, a date. A date with Jessie Kuso from Chem. class.”
Zima suddenly jumped out of bed and his moist towel fell off of his very muscular body. He then shut his phone and ran to his dresser. He shuffled around in it and pulled out a pair of silkily boxers and gray socks. Pulling on his boxer he hobbled over to his closet to grab his black pants and blue button down shirt.
He dressed quickly and then went down the stairs to the bathroom. He looked in the mirror opened it and put on some deodorant on some cal lone then closed it. Grabbing the comb off the counter and combed his jet black hair. Then saying to himself, “that’s much better.
He ran down to the entryway and grabbed his wallet and keys. Running out the door and putting on a leather jacket, he opened the door of his indigo Ford Escape.
After Zima drove across town to Phoenix Food. This restaurant is a really up scale restaurant. For example Paula Dean’s Gumbo Place. Zima was there first one there. Five or ten minutes later Jessie showed up. Zima noticed that show gracefully glided across the floor, like an angel floating from cloud to cloud.
“Hey” Jessie said to Zima in an angel like tone.
“Hey, how are you today?’
“I’m great how about you?”
“Oh I can’t complain.” Zima then stood up and help Jessie with her chair. She was wearing a light blue strapless dress.
“You look beautiful,” Zima complemented.
“Thank you. You know most men don’t do that anymore.”
“Do what?”
“Stand up and help the lady with her chair,” she explained.
“Well I do thing that most people don’t do.”
“So…”
So… what do you want to drink? How about Red Wine, or maybe a White Wine, Sparkling Wine.”
“Well, if you don’t mind I would like some Sparkling Apple Juice. Is that alright with you?” she asked shyly
“Oh no no no. you can have anything you want. Just make sure you make room for dessert.” He said with a smile. Then Jessie smiled back.
“Okay I’ll prepare myself for it.”
They finally finalized their orders. Zima ordered the porter-house steak with mashed potatoes and sweet corn. Jessie ordered the Shrimp Alfredo with bread sticks.
“So what do you do for a living?” Jessie asked politely.
“Well I run the little bakery over on Minion Rd.”
“Oh yeah I’ve been there. Your cakes are so good. How do you do that?”
“Well we use everything that most bakeries do. But to make our cakes super good we put fruit extracts in to our icings.”
“That’s it??”
“Yep, that’s it. All we do is put in extracts like strawberries.”
After getting their meals Jessie and Zima politely conversed over things like their favorite colors and what they were going to do with their lives. Then the waitress came over and asked if they wanted anything more. Zima ordered chocolate covered strawberries. After the strawberries had gotten to the table Zima took one a slowly put it in to Jessie’s mouth.
“Mmmmmmm. How did you know I liked strawberries?” Jessie asked with a smile.
“Well you see I have the ability to read people and figure out what is their favorite flavor. It really comes in handy when you need to find out, what extracts to use in the frosting for a customer.”
“Zima Your amaz---”
The waitress suddenly appeared next to the table. “Excuse me sir, but here is your bill.”
“Thank you. Now Jessie what were you saying?” Zima asked.
“I was saying that you are the most amazing person I’ve ever meet. And I have met some pretty amazing people.”
“Thank you. What would you say if this was my first date with some one?”
“Well I would say that you did a very good job for a first timer.” Jessie said with a big smile on her face.
Beware, I be Minion.




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An annoying buzz penetrated the peaceful dream of Zima Yuzuki, but then he realized it was his cell phone.


The last half of this sentence is a little awkward. There is nothing before that says he didn't recognize what it was. A suggestion for this would be:

"An annoying buzz penetrated the peaceful dream of Zima Yuzuki. He quickly realized that it was his cellphone."

Or something like that.

“What? What do you mean I have a DATE!!!?”


The use of three exclamation marks is a little unnecessary. Same goes with having both ! and ? as a dialogue ender. I'd suggest that you get rid of the exclamation marks altogether and add something like:

"What? What do you mean I have a date?" He asked urgently.

That way it's obvious that he's confused and desperate to find out what the person is talking about.

Zima suddenly jumped out of bed and his moist towel fell off of his very muscular body. He then shut his phone and ran to his dresser. He shuffled around in it and pulled out a pair of silkily boxers and gray socks. Pulling on his boxer he hobbled over to his closet to grab his black pants and blue button down shirt.


I'm not too fond of this paragraph. It seemed way too rush (given that the character is moving quickly. But it seemed like you were trying to throw in too many details in a small amount of space. Try to be more subtle with things like this. He does have an hour to get ready not five minutes. Also "silky" not "silkily".

He looked in the mirror opened it and put on some deodorant on some cal lone then closed it.


He opened the mirror? There's medicine cabinets with mirrors on them. Reword this sentence:

He looked in the mirror and opened it. Then he put on some deodorant and cologne.

I don't know the sentence is a little iffy either way. Mess around with it and see what you can come up with.

Grabbing the comb off the counter and combed his jet black hair.


This is a fragment. Change it to:

"He grabbed the comb off the counter and combed his jet black hair."

Running out the door and putting on a leather jacket, he opened the door of his indigo Ford Escape.


Reword this. "He ran out the door while putting on a leather jacket. He then opened the door of his indigo Ford Escape."

After Zima drove across town to Phoenix Food. This restaurant is a really up scale restaurant. For example Paula Dean’s Gumbo Place.


The third sentence doesn't really make sense. Try to explain more about what you mean there.

Zima noticed that show gracefully glided across the floor, like an angel floating from cloud to cloud.


She not show?

“Hey” Jessie said to Zima in an angel like tone.


Angel-like.

Zima then stood up and help Jessie with her chair.


helped not help.

“You look beautiful,” Zima complemented.


Complimented not Complemented (they're both real words but don't mean the same thing).

“Well I do thing that most people don’t do.”


Things.

Zima ordered the porter-house steak with mashed potatoes and sweet corn. Jessie ordered the Shrimp Alfredo with bread sticks.


Why is the name of her order capitalized while his isn't?

Then the waitress came over and asked if they wanted anything more.


Anything else.

“I was saying that you are the most amazing person I’ve ever meet. And I have met some pretty amazing people.”


Met.

“Thank you. What would you say if this was my first date with some one?”


Someone.

----

Anyway you have an interesting story so far. There were a few issues most of which I pointed out (sorry). A lot of this I think you could have slowed down a little to put in more details like feelings and things like that. Otherwise this just read like telling and not showing. I couldn't exactly feel for any character. Your characters seem a little too perfect as well...it's hard to believe.

Also the name "Zima Yuzuki" seems really off in comparison to Jessie...it gives me the idea that you are an Anime fan. Which isn't a bad thing but I've seen too many stories with people trying to put in a bunch of Japanese aspects into a story that takes place somewhere like America...it really seems out of place. But anyway, this isn't bad and I'm not sure if you were planning on continuing it or ending it right there. But either way you should elaborate more on a few things. Anyway, nice job :P




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 10
A story isn’t a story unless it’s going somewhere. While you do have some cute characters… what is going on? How’d they come to be on this date? I just felt like there was no background- with the exception of some creepy guy calling your main character on a phone without the readers finding out who the heck he is. Putting this aside…I think it’s a start. It’s a rough idea that’s needs some work; I suggest you throw it back into the brainstorm and try to come up with some background! Great job so far…




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 5
I think overall it was a good story when i read it surely made me think that the writer has put forward a realistic scenario that usually takes place nowdays.Although the writer could have made it a bit interesting by elaboration of some of the stuff.For the age of 15 i think it was a pretty good job!




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Gender Female
Points 890
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Ah! please space the paragraphs! Sorry. It just annoys me. I will return to review when that has happened. Thankyou!



Maybe the real Mariah Carey was the friends we made along the way
— Ravena