Structure
It was boring. Nothing more to it. The first stanza was engaging, yes: you certainly stopped it before it would have sped right out of control. The rest is dull and tedious. It's just that you repeat the same thing, over and over and over again, in the same sort of soporific tune, I almost wanted to sleep. Cut some of the lines up: chop them, kill them--they need to be much more active (<-- unlike this). Stanazafy it, I don't know. I want to breath air that stings me, as long as it's not air that bores me!
EXAMPLE OF BAD STRUCTURE IN STANZA:
Do we need to give it wings or courage?
Let's leave it under the bed to collect dust;
may it be our revenge for everything.
EXAMPLE OF BETTER, QUICKLY-DONE, THOUGH COULD BE A TINY BIT BETTER REVISION:
Fear: give it winds, courage? Leave it be
under the bed, to collect generation's dust?--
Our perfect revenge for everything.
Weird Awkward and Unnecessary phrasing
in the employment agency of emotions.
This personifications sucks. Period.
Let's KILL it.
just a car missing its map reader
BOO. This is awkward rhythm. Breaks it off. KILL. CHANGE.
It itself fears that no one fears.
It in itself itself fears it that it might fear itself. Awkward? Yes. Could be revised? Of course yes.
Overall, I rather liked it. Though this critique might seem a little hard. I liked it, really did.
