A gift for the woods

A/N: I felt like sharing my original, Finnish version with you as well since it's written in a way that's called "Kalevala meter". It means that every stanza has four lines (I haven't done it, I know) and every line has eight syllables. Repetition and rhymes in the beginning of the words (what's that called, again?) are typical for this kind of poetry. Obviously the translation is really bad compared to the original, but it stills gives you the thought.
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Kävelipä kuusikossa ----- Walking amidst the fir trees
pieni neito liinatukka, ----- was a little girl with flaxen hair,
korvessapa käyskenteli. ----- in the woods she wandered.
Jalkineensa jekkuilivat, -------- The shoes of hers got tricky,
kantapäitä kärvisteli. ----- the ache got to her heels.
Siitä neito sureksimaan, ------ This made the girl very down,
kipu kovin koittelihe, ------ so grueling was the suffer,
jalkapohjia poltteli. ------ so burning were her soles.

Siispä neito liinatukka ---- Then the girl with flaxen hair
suuren kiven tuntumassa ----- in the presence of a great rock
hetken päätti mietiskellä. ---- decided to ponder a moment.
Miten tästä jatkaa voisi ----- How would she go on
huopikkailla hiertävillä, ---- with chafing shoes,
pitkä matka mentävänä? ----- with a long way to go?

Saipa oivan ajatuksen ----- A great thought flashed then
pieni neito liinatukka, ----- to the little girl with flaxen hair
hetken oli tuumiskellut. ---- she had pondered a moment alright.
"Kengät jätän järkäleelle, ----- "I'll leave the shoes on this great rock,
lojumahan lohkareelle. ----- I'll leave them to lie on the boulder.
Jääkööt tänne asumahan ----- I'll leave them here to live
valtakuntaan metsänhengen." ---- in the realm of the spirit of the woods."

Tämän kuuli metsänhenki, ---- This was heard by the spirit of the woods,
sateenkaari, myrskytuuli: ---- the rainbow, the stormwind:
sievä neito kultakutri -------- the pretty maiden with golden locks
metsään tahtoi kengät antaa. ---- wanted to give the shoes for the woods.
Siitä kovin ilahtuikin -------- That thought greatly delighted
metsänhenki, puidenvahti:------ the spirit of the woods, the guard of the trees:
paras paikka niille täällä, ----- the best place for the shoes was here,
suuren sammalkiven päällä. ----- on the moss of the great rock.

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I know it's very hard for you to review this since the real, reviewable poem is in Finnish and I'm pretty sure no one understands it. There's no flow at all in the translation, it sounds very awkward, but yeah. No can do.

Well yes I don't speak Finnish . I also think; translated it probably doesn't sound as good as the version in Finnish.

I mean, like here:

This made the girl very sad,

In Finnish you probably had better word for sad than sad in english. I find sad too vague and weak a word. It doesn't make the reader feel.

So it also depends how well you've translated this. I mean rather than the word 'sad' word like blue, cheerless, depressing, dismal, dispiriting, gloomy, joyless, melancholy might actually hit closer to the Finnish version. So you have to extra careful when you translate a poem. It can turn out very different depending on your word choice.


Same as here:

the pain was horrible,

I bet there are more words for 'pain' and 'horrible' that hit home.

I hope you understand what I mean.

Overall I think this poem had a pretty idea, but I'm sure the original was even better.

Oy, but it's lovely--the Finnish, that is. I only know phrases and a few words in the language. But it's worth it all the same to try to listen to the sound of a piece in a different tongue--poetry is half sound, I suppose, music with words wound in it to give more than mere lilt.

Typo is rather apt in addressing the translation. It's very plain. But then, English doesn't translate well into Finnish either.


If you ever did want to translate well into English, break the form entirely. Use a new meter and rhyme and for the English, but try to tell the same story.

In the end, it was enjoyable merely for being Finnish, yes? And I'd be more than interested if you gave it a literal translation (dropping the attempt to put it in comparable english form, and all that.).




IMP

Thanks for your comments - yes, I know the translation's rather poor and you don't really get the idea of it if you don't know Finnish. I actually don't know why I even posted this I'll try translating it better, maybe tomorrow.

Yeah, translations don't tend to work well, no offence. But still, it sounds like a really nice poem

I like the ideas, and some of the imagery is good.