I never knew it would go so far...

This is the story about a girl named Rebekah. The description tells you all you need to know about her for now. pg-13 just because it involves cutting and eating disorders.


I always knew that I was worthless. I was the oldest girl in my family of six, three brothers, and my mom and dad. To put it simply, my brothers were all child prodigies at sports and my dad loved it. My dad was a helicopter pilot. He worked one week on and one week off so I really did not see him all that much. My mother worked at my school, and I hated it. I missed being a normal kid, and having my mom be a stay at home mom.
Anyway, I guess it all started towards the end of the eighth grade. My brothers were in the middle of their o-so-important baseball seasons, when I suppose you could say i finally snapped. I was on the way home from one of their tournaments, someone was running along the side of our sidewalk when my dad turned around and said to me "Rebekah, that's what you and me need to be doing every day. Then maybe you wouldn't be the slowest person in your class when they run the mile." I suppose looking back that he didn't mean to sound like he hated me, or that I was worthless to him because I was un-athletic and so un-like my brothers, but that is how my thirteen year old self took these words. So I nodded and stared out the window the rest of the way home.

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When we got home I walked to my room as calmly as I could. I gently closed the door and laid down on my bed. Then I started to cry. I hated this feeling. It felt like it had been with me all of my life, the feeling of being fat, un-wanted, un-loved. Though looking back now I know that I was crazy to think so, I simply could not shake this feeling of helplessness. After about five minuets I got up and went to my bathroom. I pulled out my razor and slit my wrist, and then, for what felt like the first time in my life, I was proud of myself. I had done it. I had not chickened out, I had slit my wrist, and as I felt the blood ooze down, I was truly happy. That night I didn't eat anything. I fiddled around with my food and then told my parents that I wasn't hungry, and I went to bed.


It was the beginning of everything and soon I would give anything for it to end.

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I loved the feeling of having a terrible secret the next day at school. I wore my sweatshirt, even though it was the middle of May, to cover up the scars that were left from where I cut myself. At lunch I loved the feeling of my stomach rumbling. It meant that I was actually doing something, and I felt a sense of accomplishment wash over me.


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Soon the school year ended. I graduated from Saint Leo School, and in the fall I would move onto High School at Lexington Catholic. Over the summer it was even easier to keep up my charade. My mother got a summer job and worked 8 to 5 Monday through Friday, and when she could she would pick up overt time on Saturday and Sunday. My father was still on his regular work schedule, and when he was home he usually went to go practice some type of sport with at least one of my three siblings. I was almost always alone, and I liked it.

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This was kind of flat. You did a lot of telling and not very much showing. There needs to be more action, more character development. Perhaps start it out at one of her brothers basketball games, describe them, show the family dynamic - Rebekah getting ignored, everyone cheering for her brothers...etc.

Also, you're definitely going to have to give Rebekah more depth, more uniqueness. Everyone has heard the 'depressed teenage cutter' story before. So you're going to have to add something new to the story. At the moment I am at a loss for how you might do this without completely changing the story, but since you know the characters and storyline better then me, I'm sure you can think of something.

In the end, it doesn't have to come down to originality. A story can be old and be told in a new way. And so, if you can make these characters vivid, and their ideas and dialogue fresh, it won't matter if the story has been told before. Just focus on making it real.

I hope this helps and PM me if you have any questions.

Well, first of all, it was kind of... short. And I'm sure that almost everyone has heard this story before. Well, of course not this very story, but you know. The ending is pretty flat, too. You sure have to add something new, like ChernobyllyInclined said, to get your audience to actually read it from the beginning to the end.

It seems to me that you've tried to stuff this piece with problems, like cutting, eating disorder, discouraging parents, being an outsider... But only thing that you actually tell us about is the cutting. You say in the end that this involves eating disorders. But where are they? Okay, Rebekah didn't eat her dinner once, so? That's not a disorder. I'm not always hungry, either. Not that I'd have liked to read about eating disorders, but I just think you were being contradictory.

If only you edit this a little and add something special, I think you could have a good piece of writing. Don't stop!

Kindly,
Demeter