Silent Scream

I was her friend.
Not that they’d know. As far as they were concerned, she was a nobody. A nobody that they could throw cruel words at, like ‘emo’ and ‘lesbian.’ If they ever saw me with her, they would just assume I was talking to her for my own amusement, like they did; entertainment at her expense. People like them; they don’t take anything into account except for themselves. Human feelings, the capacity to feel hurt and victimised and utterly hopeless, wouldn’t ever cross their minds. All they saw was what was different about her, the things they didn’t agree with, the things they thought were weird.

When I looked at her I saw a beautiful uniqueness that always left me in awe. I took a mental picture of the first time I saw her smile and I’ve locked it away in my brain so I’ll never forget it. I’m sure she had smiled before, but I suppose her life was hell. She didn’t have a whole lot to be happy about. Yes I’d been her friend, but I’d also failed her. I’d had ample opportunity to stand up for her, to take a bullet for her and tell all those people who gave her shit on a daily basis exactly where they could go. The one time I had tried, she’d told me to stop. She told me she could handle it. But I don’t think she could, in the end. Because she killed herself.

I suspected something was wrong when she wasn’t waiting on the corner for me so we could walk to school together. She was always there. I knew where she lived, so I walked down her street to her house. That was when I became certain that something was wrong. Parked outside her house were an ambulance and a police car. A police officer came out of the front door, and I rushed up to him. “What’s going on?” I demanded. This didn’t go down well with the officer. “I’m going to have to ask you to step off the property”, he said gruffly. “Shouldn’t you be at school?”

Then the stretcher came out the door, carried by two paramedics. I knew it was a dead body, because of the white sheet pulled right over it. If the body were still alive, they wouldn’t do that. I’d seen enough medical dramas to know that much. I also knew that the body belonged to her.

An assembly was called the next day at school. I don’t know how I made it through to the next day, but I did. I felt numb from my head to my toes, and I didn’t tell anybody what I had seen. They didn’t deserve to know. It was her last secret, and I was going to keep it. Until our headmaster stepped up onto the podium and told everybody in the auditorium, with well mustered solemnity, what had happened. He used the phrases ‘took her own life’, ‘tragic sadness’, ‘a young life lost.’ He talked to them like they had been her friends, when really it was their fault that she was gone. I wanted to stand up and scream at them all, scream that they were the reason, that I hoped they felt guilty for the rest of their lives. But just like I hadn’t screamed at them when they were tormenting her, I held my tongue. And I knew, this was my fault too.

A guidance counsellor was made available to all the students ‘to help them cope with their grief over the tragedy.’ It made me sick to see those people who had caused all of this having to leave in the middle of class, overcome with tears. One of them even got on the evening news, talking about how sad they were and how much they missed their friend, how close they had been. The girls who she had hated, all those fake and preppy girls who had devoted themselves to causing misery for anybody they didn’t approve of, volunteered to help organize the memorial service. My blood boiled. I spoke to her at night, when everything was dark and quiet. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m so sorry... But I know that you’re in a better place now.

Great story! If there were any mistakes, I didn't notice. I was spellbound It's so sad. And it's so true.

Keep writing,
Ysa

...wow. I know how this feels and this was so moving.

It moved me.

I didn't see anything to fix, this was really good.

Damn, now I feel like crying.

First of all, why do you say this is unfinished? It seems pretty complete to me. Second, you really need a better title for it. It's a really good piece, and Untitled won't get you many crits. It doesn't matter if what you choose is horrible, but anything's better than untitled.

I thought this piece was really sweet. I've tried to write this sort of thing before, but it doesn't usually work out in the way I want it to. You pulled it off.

I'd like to know more about this girl. Why was she teased? How did she deal with it?

And how come nobody noticed that the MC was friends with her? Wouldn't people see them walk into school together?

I think that if you added some more about the girls, this would be a brilliant story.

Well, I have a triumphant ending formulated in mind, I just havn't had the time to write it =]
I'm going to work on a title, I just don't want to give it a rubbish one. If anybody has any ideas for one they can contribute? That would be cool.

I also havn't decided yet if the MC is male or female. I suppose they come across as being female, but when I first thought up the story the MC was male. I suppose this is my reason for people not realizing the MC and the girl were friends; mixed gender friendships are less common than same gender friendships.

Thank you for your reviews ^^

The writing was good, along with the punctuation and grammar, which I suppose go together. But the story was nothing new.

I'm not exactly sure what you could do to this story to make it less cliche. Perhaps if you showed more and told less, if you made it more vivid, developed the characters a little better.

Also, I would reccommend not placing the blame for her death on the cruel kids. Obviously it would make sense for the main character to be incredibly angry at them, but I don't think its very accurate not to place the responsibility on the girl. She didn't HAVE to kill herself, no matter how bad her life was. People have bad lives and they keep going, they don't give up. Perhaps you could explain a little bit better what her life was like, and how her personality might have added to the possibility of suicide.

I think this could be better and I hope my suggestions help. PM me if you have any questions.

Thank you for your thoughts, sometimes I make things a bit cliche ><

I'm hoping to develop it more so that everything makes sense in the end =D

I absolutely loved this story! It's short and to the point so far, but it just tugs at your heart strings, making you want more. I was almost in tears at the end. This story is unique and all it's own, but at the same time really relateable. In my opinion that's hard to find, so two thumbs up so far!!

Excellent as is. No real complaints from this reader.

A suggestion, perhaps,

I would add more in the story about the victim. Right now, there isn't a whole lot about the girl that took her life. You say they made fun of her, but not really why or how. In my opinion, the piece could benefit from making the reader feel her pain, as the narrator does.

As I said above, this is an excellent piece as is--take this advice as you will.


--King

Wow. A lot of anger- I could feel it. You definitely tapped into the reader’s emotions. Death is a scary topic and, while you handle it well, I thought it was actually handle too well. See, I didn’t need to know what happened afterwards (A.K.A. the “next day at school”). You already had me. I was astounded by the life sucking people who didn’t appreciate her… but when you explained the “next day” I felt as though you were saying “This is what you should have felt and/or got out of it.” I would have like it better without that.

What I’m trying to say is that it’s strong and independent on its own two feet; it doesn’t need those last paragraphs…. what it needs is a beginning to the real plot line. The background information is set. Now I want to know what the main character is going to do because she seems close to that every dwindling edge we, as humns, all have.

I would add more in the story about the victim. Right now, there isn't a whole lot about the girl that took her life. You say they made fun of her, but not really why or how. In my opinion, the piece could benefit from making the reader feel her pain, as the narrator does.

Thank you so much for the review =] If I revised the story, I would love to put in more about the girl.

Wow. A lot of anger- I could feel it. You definitely tapped into the readers emotions. Death is a scary topic and, while you handle it well, I thought it was actually handle too well. See, I didn't need to know what happened afterwards (A.K.A. the next day at school). You already had me. I was astounded by the life sucking people who didn't appreciate her but when you explained the next day I felt as though you were saying This is what you should have felt and/or got out of it. I would have like it better without that.

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I see where you are coming from, I was going to write more to the story but some people said the ending was fine as it is. I would love to revise it and add more complexity to the character of the girl.

I liked it. It's a good short story - why, like a few others have asked, do you claim it unfinished?

And I'm really interested to see what you come up with for a title. I'll wait for one to pop up one of these days...

Keep writing.

Hello, I'm Stella! I haven't seen you around before, bonjour!

It was a nice story, but it needs beefing out. Tell us more about the girl. You tell us they called her an emo and a lesbian, but why? What did she do? Was she emo? For us to really feel for your MC, you need to tell us what they've lost. Tell us more.

Also, I loathed this line.

Because she killed herself.

There has got to be a better way of putting this. It's blunt, and I have the feeling that's how it's supposed to be, but it's a little too blunt, and way too clichéed for my liking. Phrase it differently. In the rest, you'e shown us that you have an extensive vocabulary and a good writing style, don't blow it by being this blunt. Show us what you can do with this line. Otherwise, it just throws people off.

Actually, the MC came off as male to me, I don't know why.

Apart from that, again, tell us more about the characters, I enjoyed it.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x

Actually, the MC came off as male to me, I don't know why.

Yay! That's the effect I was going for.

I get what you mean about the bluntness, I did do it on purpose but I'll see if there's any other way I could word it, perhaps still giving it a surprising effect. I wanted to catch the reader off guard =D

I liked it. It's a good short story - why, like a few others have asked, do you claim it unfinished?

I claimed it unfinished because I wanted to write more. Now I think I'll just leave it as is, people seem to be okay with the ending.