Chapter one. Scarlet Kiss

=hi! I hope someone actually reads this. I have just started a new story and i don't really know what to think of it. Please, if you post a comment about it, be honest.(Im not so good at editing what I write, im sure there are lots of mistakes. Please ignore them if you can. sorry!) Thanks! I hope you like it! =

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I stared out the chambers window contemplating what I had just heard, watching the sun paint the sky a ravishing red-gold, as the guard went on babbling the non-sense he was speaking in what was now, a low annoying murmur that buzzed in my ear.
" I shall not hear of it," I replied abruptly as I stood, " if anyone even thinks about mutiny in my country I will have them be-headed."
" But my queen, everyone, not only in Ezalda, but as well in Psuldia are displeased with you. I have heard much about mutiny, you cannot have everyone be-headed!" He said. I could feel the anger bubbling in his voice.
" Oh, can I not?" I challenged. " I'm queen I can do whatever I damned well please!" My voice thundered, ricocheting off the gray stone walls.
He looked taken aback.
" I'm sorry my queen," he bowed his head, in a gesture asking for forgiveness, " I did not mean for your authority to feel questioned."
I sighed and fell back into the chair I had been sitting in.
" I do not want your apology, it is unheard of. If anyone should be apologizing it is, me. I had no intention of screaming at you, It's just I'm getting frustrated with myself for doing a poor job of running my fathers country. He wouldn't have wanted his people to ever think about over stepping themselves, and even attempting to get the king or queen out of rule. Please, do accept my sincerest apologies. I'm truly sorry."
" But, my queen you-" I waved him off.
" Please do go now. I need to ponder a few things for awhile. I'll be just fine with out you with me." I gestured to the door. " Please, sir. I really need to be by myself for awhile."
He paused for a moment before bowing his head. " As you wish my queen. I will be right down the hall if you need me."
He turned and headed out the door.
" Oh, Sir Wallen," I called after him. He turned and stared at me blankly. " You have my thanks." I said and smiled warmly.
He bowed his head and closed the door silently.

1

I stared out the chambers window contemplating what I had just heard, watching the sun paint the sky a ravishing red-gold, as the guard went on babbling the non-sense he was speaking in what was now, a low annoying murmur that buzzed in my ear.

wow, amazing desciption, but this sentence is really long. Split it up into seperate ideas.

" I shall not hear of it," I replied abruptly as I stood, " if anyone even thinks about mutiny in my country I will have them be-headed."

try to avoid adverbs

" But my queen, everyone, not only in Ezalda, but as well in Psuldia are displeased with you. I have heard much about mutiny, you cannot have everyone be-headed!" He said. I could feel the anger bubbling in his voice.

are should be is. Also the second part that starts with I could feel. You should show not tell, so, instead say He slammed his hands down against the windowsill frustrated.

He looked taken aback.

try to find a better word for taken aback

" I'm sorry my queen," he bowed his head, in a gesture of forgiveness, " I did not mean for your authority to feel questioned."

Is he forgiving her or is it the opposite way around? maybe say bowed his head, asking for forgiveness

" I do not want your apology, it is unheard of. If anyone should be apologizing it is, me. I had no intention of screaming at you, It's just I'm getting frustrated with myself for doing a poor job of running my fathers country. He wouldn't have wanted his people to ever think about over stepping themselves, and even attempting to get the king or queen out of rule. Please, do accept my sincerest apologies. I'm truly sorry."

try not to repeat words like apalogy. Find a better word or take out the first sentence and find a better way to reword it

" Please do go now. I need to ponder a few things for awhile. I'll be just fine with out you with me." I gestured to the door.

take out: with me.

I liked it. I definitley want to see more. I hope you check out my suggestions and keep writing. Always remember:
1) cut down as many adverbs as you can
2) show don't tell the audience what to think
good luck!

You're doing pretty good so far in my opinion, but maybe more detail. Like, what are the character's names? What are they wearing? What are their expressions?

I stared out the chambers window contemplating what I had just heard, watching the sun paint the sky a ravishing red-gold, as the guard went on babbling the non-sense he was speaking in what was now, a low annoying murmur that buzzed in my ear.

This is a run-on. I would break this up to soften the flow of it.

"I stared out the chamber's window contemplating what I had just heard. I watched the sun paint the sky a ravishing red-gold"

etc etc... you get the idea.

" I'm sorry my queen," he bowed his head, in a gesture asking for forgiveness, " I did not mean for your authority to feel questioned."

Get rid of the comma between head and in.

I sighed and fell back into the chair I had been sitting in.

I think the last part of this sentence is unnecessary. Just make it "I sighed and fell back into my chair".


That's all I have that I noticed. Anyway I think you have a nice grasp of the dialect for this particular time/setting; it doesn't seem out of place. This "chapter" is pretty short and I know there's plenty of books out there with really short chapters. But for an opener like this it's probably better to give a little more detail.

I mean, I like where you ended you don't really need to throw anything in before that. But, this could be better if you extended it a little...like what were her thoughts after the guard left? Things like that. But anyway, nice job overall.