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Are you going to eat me?

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I know this needs a lot of work. The problem is, I can't see what to do with it. Possibly more description.
The question "Are you going to eat me?" will be answered in the next post. Have fun tearing this apart. ;)

:smt051
*Seraph*

**
“Here, elf. Have some food!”

The cell was illuminated, and a sizable sack tossed into the straw. Oliku ignored their heavy boots weaving across the metal grid above him, tripping in an obvious drunken stupor.

“Fool! Look at me when I talk to you!”

There were the usual threats, string of unintelligible words, and stumbling to the tavern down the street. It was a predictable routine. Oliku had picked it up just the previous day. Lucky for me, I’m a fast learner, he thought, stepping gingerly through the straw. He looked at the bag critically. Maybe a large dog. Wouldn’t hurt to check anyway. He pulled the drawstring of the bag, near instantly glowered at the contents.

“Barbarians,” he murmured, checking for a pulse. Her eyes fluttered at his touch.

“What-where am-”

“Your imprisoned in Nyeltak.” Oliku answered, ignoring her skeptical gaze.

“Aren’t you the least bit surprised to see me?”

“Not really. I’ve had corpses tossed in here on occasion.”

“Are you going to eat me?”

“No, why would I do that?”

“Good. I want to get out of here.” She replied, ignoring his question. She kicked out of the bag, revealing small shorts and a tank top; typical city fashion. Oliku shook his head.

“Hey, can you bust out of here, Mister…?”

“Oliku. And don’t call me mister.”

He pulled the hinges out of the hatch and pushed it open. No guards. Hardly anyone was awake at that hour.

“Hello, are you going to just stand there? Give me a leg up.”

“Keep your voice down.” Oliku said, hoisting himself onto the grid. He quickly pulled her up next to him, closing the hatch. Best to leave as little trace as possible.


“How much longer to we have to walk? Why can’t we take a bus?”

“I don’t have any money . Besides that, there’s been a shortage of solar power.”

“But my feet hurt!”

“Dragging them will do little good.” He said, glancing at the pouting blonde. “What do you expect me to do about it?”

“You could at least show some- What is that?”

“Kalikana. Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of a volcano.”

“Well, I live in the city, I’m sorry. It sounds like a metro. And yes,” she snapped, “I’ve heard of volcanoes. I’ve even seen a few.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” Oliku murmured, glancing at the smoke billowing from the mountain. Seeing that made him worried; the city, Fujirama, was only a few miles from Kalikana. With such tectonic activity, the city was in grave danger.

“So, why were you in jail?”

“I was thought to have stolen some jeweled amulet of the Druids. How about you?”

“I was at a club. They arrested me for my shiny sequins.”

Oliku ignored her sarcasm, turning into a thick grove of trees. Might as well rest until morning. He thought looking at the sky. His house was a good three-hour walk from where they were.

Oliku whipped around at the shriek behind him. The girl was sitting there, a huge gash on her thigh.

“What happened?”

She pointed at a sharp low branch a few steps away. Oliku knelt, examining the wound; it was fairly shallow- nothing too serious.

“This is what you get for wearing such useless clothes,” Oliku said, “Don’t you have any healing pills?”

“No, I don’t buy those. Hey mister, why is your skin so black?”

“I was bio-engineered to be a black elf. I’m surprised you don’t know that.”

“Shut up! I-” The girl doubled over, retching violently. Oliku frowned at the scene before him. How did I get tangled up in this again?
“I- know you’re a black elf. What do you think, I’m stupid?”

“What exactly did you have to drink at this ‘club?’ Do you remember at all?”

“I don’t know… it was a glowy blue thingy- my friend got it for me.”

Some friend. Oliku thought darkly. A Night Gin was no laughing matter. The girl leaned into the brush behind her, exhausted from her sickness. Might as well take care of her, he thought, binding her wound. He wasn’t going to let her go back to those people, even if he regretted it.
**
Last edited by SeraphTree on Fri May 02, 2008 9:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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Pretty good! I can't do a line-by-liner just now, but there are a few things I noticed. When the bag's chucked into Oliku's cell and he opens it, it sounds like it's going to be a dog:

He looked at the bag critically. Maybe a large dog. Wouldn’t hurt to check anyway. He pulled the drawstring of the bag, near instantly glowered at the contents.

“Barbarians,” he murmured, checking for a pulse. Her eyes fluttered at his touch.

“What-where am-”


At first I thought he was talking to the dog, and I only got that she wasn't when you said what she wearing. Say earlier on, describe her.

And if Oliku can get out of the cell that easy, why didn't he get out before? It would be good if you added in a better description of him as well.


This has potential! It just needs tweaking. (Doesn't everything? >.< )
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




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Hey, thanks. Sorry, I modified that bit; it was supposed to be a thought bubble.
Hm. description of him earlier on? How do you mean? At this point in the story, I didn't think it was relevant. :)

:smt051
*Seraph*
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson



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