Hey, Mat! Sorry I haven't gotten to posting this straight away. I've been slightly busy, BUT I am here to pay back for all those lovely reviews you have given me (and upon request)! ^^
Grammar and First Impressions
You used the phrase a little a few times already. Could you replace it here with faintly or weakly or something else? You can only use a little so many times.
After second, I said no comma 'cause it really doesn't belong. If you want dramatic pause there, maybe an ellipses or dash or something, but I don't think a comma works.
Silly, silly Mat...
To have a comma in front of a fanboy [and, but, etc.], there must be independent clauses on either side of it, or subject and a verb on both sides of the fanboy.
Underlined: Repetition. There isn't much of a choice of words to replace bathroom, but you could say closed the door or something along those lines.
With doesn't get a comma like that. ^^
Here's where that fanboy rule comes in. There's no subject on the clause after and, so no comma is needed to separate the two clauses. ^_^
You use then way to much, dawg.
Because is not a fanboy, so it doesn't get a comma; in fact, it never gets a comma unless it's in the beginning of the sentence. For instance:
I love my dog because she makes me laugh.
Because she makes me laugh, I love my dog.
See what I mean?
Characters
They're fine, if you were worried at all about them. We definitely see some personality from the two guys. I can't see their actual pictures, though. I don't know what they look like. Of course, this is the third part, yes? So you might have gone into detail earlier. I haven't read the other two parts, unfortunately.
I think George is a bit confusing. I don't really know what to make of him. Is he a drunk like Ike only has a little more self-control? What kind of relationship do they have? High school friends? Employees? Again, these may have been answered in the previous parts.
Overall
This was good! Your dialogue carried this quite well. That as well as the little character movements you showed us worked up some characterization.
