FairyTale Ch.1

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Warning: This Fairy Tale is Not for Children!

Okay, for starters, this isn’t a story about some damsel in distress needing the help of some big, strong man; that is so overdone. Also, this is not a story about people sleeping for a hundred years, or necrophilia’s kissing girls in glass coffins. Gross! Try some therapy, dude. No, this is a story about a young woman with courage beyond that of any dragon-slaying knight.
This tale begins on a warm August morning, our hero Jenna, was sitting by a fireplace cooking breakfast in a skillet, some eggs and a few slices of bacon. Today she was going out to do some exploring, not much different than her usual stuff. Jenna ate her breakfast, cleaned up, and was heading towards the door.
“Where to start?” She asked herself. “I guess I’ll wander through the forest.”
“Jenna when do I get to chose where we go?” a voice said below
She looked down it was her brother, sort of. He’s a cat.
“When you get turned back into a human” Jenna said.
“But, but! That’s never going to happen, that witch hates me!” he said in the most annoying whiney voice.
“Well Drake, I guess that’s your fault. Maybe you shouldn’t have knocked her up and left her.”
“But, I didn’t mean to!”
“Whatever I’m going to explore the forest” Jenna said walking out the door.
Just as she closed the front door, a flaming arrow came at her. She ducked just in time. The arrow was in her door and it had a note on it. Jenna figured it was from her father, King Anthony the second. She pulled the letter off and began to read it.
Your mother and I have decided you need to have a prince so you can both rule the kingdom someday. Since you seem to be taking to long to find a prince we have decided to throw you a ball. Many suitors will come to ask your hand in marriage. Come to the castle by Saturday, at 6:00. Talk to you then sweetums. Love you always!
King Daddy
Jenna just crumpled up the piece of paper and threw it to the ground. She was very tired of her parents trying to set her up with rich snobby princes, who only want to have sex with her.
“Stupid rotten, sometimes they make me sick!” She yelled.
“It’s ok Jenna, we can still go exploring, that might make you feel better.” Drake said.
So Drake and Jenna went into the woods near her cabin. She was lucky it was a bright sunny day or she would have gotten lost within the first few minutes. After wandering for little bit she heard someone.
“What was that?” Drake wondered
“Shhh, let me listen!” Jenna said crouching down in some bushes.
She saw a witch at the bottom of a tower yelling to a girl with extremely long hair. Jenna watched the witch climb up her hair into the tower. The witch only stayed for a few minutes, then went back down the young girls hair. After the witch had left, Jenna went out to the tower and called out to the girl.
“Young girl let down your hair so I can climb the bright red stair.”
She started to let down her hair, but when it reached the bottom, instead of climbing it Jenna pulled as hard as she could. The girl started falling out of the window, hair first. Her hair made a nice mat for her to land on so she didn’t get hurt.
“Uh, thanks.” the young girl said.
“No problem.” Jenna said.
Drake came running over to see what had happened.
“What did you do? You are so mean pulling someone out of a tower like that she could have gotten hurt!”
“But she didn’t” Jenna said.
Drake just glared at her.
The young girl started to get up, but it took her awhile to gather up her hair. Getting tired of waiting Jenna took out a knife, and with one swing the young girl’s hair was barely shoulder length.
“Geez!” she yelled. “That was scary! Thanks again though!”
“Yeah sure, so what’s your name?” Jenna asked putting her knife away.
“Tomato.” She said.
“What?”
“Yeah, I know it’s kind of weird, it’s because before I was born my dad stole some tomatoes out of the witch’s garden so now my name’s tomato.” She explained.
“Fascinating.” Jenna said, wandering if she had made the right choice in saving the young girl, because she seemed to be a few light bulbs short of a chandelier.
“Very fascinating” Drake said with sarcasm.
“So, where are you going? And can I come with you?” Tomato asked.
“Umm, I don’t really know where I’m going, and I guess you can come with me.” Jenna said.
“Yay!” Tomato exclaimed.
“What did I just get myself into?” Jenna thought.
“What did Jenna just get us into?” Drake thought.
They started off walking deeper into the forest. Tomato was skipping and stopping to talk to all the animals and smell all the flowers. Drake just ignored her, but Jenna wanted to just leave her there, but then she would feel so guilty she would have to come back.
“Darn my kindness!” she thought.
After about a half an hour of walking Tomato started to complain, which is one thing Jenna cannot stand.
“I’m hungry, thirsty, and tired!” She said in the most annoying whiney voice.
“Don’t even start, or I will send you straight back up that tower!” Jenna yelled.
“Ok!” Tomato said. “Geez miss attitude.”
“Oh I can’t believe she just said that” Drake thought. “I really hope Jenna doesn’t do anything to her”
“You want attitude? I’ll give you attitude!” Jenna started to say, when she heard something rustling in the bushes.
All of a sudden two young boys jumped out of some bushes in front of them. They looked to be twins, both tall and skinny. Short black are, and bright green eyes. Jenna, Drake, and Tomato just looked at them very bewildered. Tomato was the first one to say something.
“Hi! I’m Tomato! Who are you guys?” she asked.
“John-Jacob-Jingle-Heimer-Smit!” One said.
“His name is my name too!” said the other twin.
“And whenever we go out the people always shout! There goes John-Jacob-Jingle-Heimer-Smit!” They sang.
“Wow! You guys are good singers!” Tomato exclaimed.
“Thanks much miss!” They both said bowing. “You can call us J-1 and J-2 ok?”
“I‘m Jenna and this,” she said pointing down “Is my brother Drake”
“Hey do you guys know where to get some food? I’m starving!” Tomato said.
“Sure.” J-1 said. “Follow us!”
The twins started running through the forest, under branches and over rocks. Jenna, Drake, and Tomato tried hard to catch up to them, but they kept running into the branches and tripping over the rocks. They were all running very fast, now right behind the twins, When all of a sudden the twins stopped. No one was ready, so Jenna ended up running into them and Tomato into her. Everyone, but Drake fell into a stream.
“Dude! Why the heck did you push us in Jenna?” J-2 said.
“Wh-what? I didn’t push you!” She said shivering.
“Ha just kidding!” they said pulling each other out of the water.
Jenna grumbled and stood up, and rung out her shirt. Tomato tried to get up, but ended up falling back in. Jenna reached her hand out Tomato, and lifted her up.
“Thanks again!” Tomato said.
“Can we have food now!” Drake whined.
“Oh right! Come this way!” J-1 said.
The twins led them to a tall, wide, and very old tree. J-1 stood one side and J-2 on the other. They both hit the tree at exactly the same time. A door opened up leading inside the tree. The twins headed inside. Jenna, Drake, and Tomato followed. Inside it was bright and beautiful. The sky was a bright blue, not a cloud in sight, everything seemed more alive, and yes the grass was greener too.
“Where are we?” Drake asked as he rolled around in the grass.
“Umm, well….oh look there’s some food!” J-2 said pointing to a tree.
They all wondered towards the tree. It looked like a banana tree, but there was something odd about the fruit hanging from the branches.
“What are those?” Jenna asked
“They’re Banapples!” J-1 said pulling one down and handing it to Jenna.
“Banapples?” Tomato said grabbing one.
“They look like bananas but they taste like an apple and banana! They taste so good!” J-2 said.
“Ok” Jenna said as she took a tiny bite. “Wow! That’s amazing!”
Tomato and Drake took a bite too, the look on they’re face said they loved them too. They ate and ate, until they were mostly passed out under the tree. The twins looked at each other and smiled an evil smile. No one saw them though.
“So what do you guys want to do now?” J-1 asked.
“How about sleep?” Jenna said yawning.
“Well I know a great place.” J-2 said smiling the same evil smile.
“Yeah, good food, and a very nice hostess.” J-1 said winking at J-2
“Ok” Jenna said with a sigh as she got up. “Come on guys.”
“Jenna will you carry me?” Drake asked.
“ Fine” she said picking him up.
He started to purr.
“That purring thing is really weird.”
“I can’t help it I’m a cat!”
Tomato was getting up slowly, her long white dress now dirty from laying on the ground, was caught on something.
“Do I need to cut the dress too?” Jenna said a little irritated.
“No I got!” Tomato said ripping the some of the bottom off the dress.
The twins started walking again whispering and laughing to each other.
“Hey Jenna?” Tomato started to say.
“No whatever it is no!” she said.
“But, oh whatever.” Tomato said.
The twins went farther and farther into the woods. When they came to a big gingerbread house. When the twins got to the front of the house, they bowed and ran off behind them, back into the woods. Jenna put Drake on the ground, and looked the house up and down.
“Oh boy” Jenna sighed.
“What? What is it?” Tomato asked.
“Don’t you recognize this house?” Drake said.
“Uh no” Tomato said.
“Geez! It’s the house where Hansel and Gretel came, but the witch that lived here died, I think the newspapers said that her sister lives here now, so we should just leave.” Jenna explained.
“Oh ok” Tomato said. “Well I’m going to go say hi and maybe have a taste of that frosting!”
“What, wait!” Jenna and Drake yelled.
But it was too late, Tomato was on her knees licking the frosting and nibbling on the gingerbread. All of a sudden the front door opened.
“Who is eating my house?”
Last edited by ShadowQueen92 on Fri May 02, 2008 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Ok, so this isn't really a prologue, it's closer to the blurb you'd find on the back of a book. A prologue is (generally) a sort undeveloped scene that will fit into your novel or story later. Or right from the start. It's basically to give you a little taste of what's going to be said. (If I am not mistaken)

But I do have to say that this sounds rather interesting and I am excited to read the first chapter.
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Hi, ShadowQueen -

This is an interesting break from standard fair tale openings - no "once upon a time", even. I bet the Grimm brothers are rolling in their graves. ^^ Some thoughts, below.

Warning this Fairy Tale is not for children!
Ok for starters this Isn’t a story about some damsel in distress needing help from some big strong man; that is so overdone. Also it is not a story about people sleeping for 100 years, or necrophilia’s kissing girls in glass coffins. Gross! Try some therapy dude. No, this is a story about a young woman with courage beyond any dragon slaying knight.


. . .

(1) If you're going to include a disclaimer or header telling the reader what to expect as they enter the story, it is wise to separate it from the text by a space or two, and perhaps to underline or otherwise define it. Secondly, be consistent with your capitalization. Don't start the header/disclaimer in title case and conclude it in lower case.

(2) Revise your syntax, punctuation and capitalization. A lack of proofreading and sentence cohesion often distracts the reader from the terribly important business of reading. Remember commas, spell out your numbers, and so on. Recall that you're not comparing the young woman's courage to a knight. You're comparing the young woman's courage to that of a knight. Thus:

Warning: This Fairy Tale is Not for Children!

Okay, for starters, this isn’t a story about some damsel in distress needing the help of some big, strong man; that is so overdone. Also, this is not a story about people sleeping for a hundred years, or necrophiles kissing girls in glass coffins. Gross! Try some therapy, dude. No, this is a story about a young woman with courage beyond that of any dragon-slaying knight.


As for length, consider writing more up before posting. When skipping from tiny fragment to tiny fragment, your potential long-term readers may lose their way. ^_^

Good luck!




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Agreed @ Dream Deep. When the critiques that follow the story are many times longer than the piece itself, there may be something wrong. I believe this is the case. Write more of the piece, and return then.

--King
“Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth, follow only beauty, and obey only love.”

--Kahlil Gibran




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I liked the idea!

The dialogue seemed a little forced, like you were trying to write it just to get it done.

Jenna seems like a strong, smart girl. What would make her follow two people into a tree? Based on your description of her character, this seems, well, out of character for her. You should try to give her some reason, some motivation to follow them into the tree.

The part about J1 and J2 giving their names cracked me up. Could you add more about how they convinced Jenna, Drake and Tomato to follow them?

There were a few punctuation errors, but I won't go into detail here.

The word "Geez" was way overused, in my opinion. Find some different exclamations or just cut out the "geez"es. They make the people seem artificial and stiff.

Keep it up!
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I'm only going to critique about half of this, since it's rather...long (mainly due to the lack of spacing between sentences), and I don't really have the attention spam at the moment to try and read the entire thing.

Okay, for starters, this isn’t a story about some damsel in distress needing the help of some big, strong man; that is so overdone. Also, this is not a story about people sleeping for a hundred years, or necrophilia’s kissing girls in glass coffins. Gross! Try some therapy, dude. No, this is a story about a young woman with courage beyond that of any dragon-slaying knight.


This is a rather...interesting way of starting it, but I think it could/should be worded in a more...formal way? Something that will really draw the readers in.

This tale begins on a warm August morning, our hero Jenna, was sitting by a fireplace cooking breakfast in a skillet, some eggs and a few slices of bacon. Today she was going out to do some exploring, not much different than her usual stuff. Jenna ate her breakfast, cleaned up, and was heading towards the door.


I like this paragraph until the "our hero" part. You're telling the reader who the hero is! They don't get to find out for themselves. Maybe this is just a preference on my part, but I would suggest NOT doing that. It's kinda along the lines of "show, don't tell." You have to show the reader that Jenna is the hero.

“Jenna, when do I get to chose where we go?” a voice said below
She looked down. It was her brother, sort of. He’s a cat. (You switch tenses here. It should be "he was a cat.")
“When you get turned back into a human[b],
” Jenna said.


Your mother and I have decided you need to have a prince so you can both rule the kingdom someday. Since you seem to be taking to long to find a prince we have decided to throw you a ball. Many suitors will come to ask your hand in marriage. Come to the castle by Saturday, at 6:00. Talk to you then sweetums. Love you always!
King Daddy


First, I would suggest putting this in italics so that the reader knows that it's a letter. Secondly, the letter itself seems very...modern, I guess. First, you didn't mention it before this point, but she's a princess! What is she doing making herself breakfast, and obviously not living in the palace? If she grew up in the palace, she would have had a hard time getting used to just making her own breakfast for herself.

Overall, you have the start to a good story, but it does need some work. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of it.




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i l-o-v-e love this story it is hilarious and my favorite quote is

“What did I just get myself into?” Jenna thought.
“What did Jenna just get us into?” Drake thought.


it's like some freaky twin telepathy thing going on




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[pre]i love this story it is so hilarous for some strange reason Jenna reminds me off Ella Enchanted I don't know why???????? but anyways I know that Tomato is actually Rapunzel but it's okay cause what kind of name is Tomato that makes the story interesting (I guess) oh yeah also my favorite qutoe is

[“What did I just get myself into?” Jenna thought]
“What did Jenna just get us into?” Drake thought]

its like some freaky twin telepathy going on lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know i am talking a lot so i am going to go and i love the way that you didn't space out all your sayings like everybody else you just skipped a line maybe i'll try that bye..........[/pre]




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I agree with OverEasy in the fact that this was more of a blurb than anything. Now to the review.

1) You definitely need to space this thing out more with paragraphs and such. It was hard for me to read with it all scrunched up like that.

2) A few logic errors. First, why would someone's parents shoot a burning arrow into their daughter's door just to give them a letter? It almost hit her, It could burn down the house, it would be easy for the letter itself to burn, and they'd probably just send someone with it. Not to mention the letter could mess up the arrow's projectory. Second, didn't Jenna say Drake couldn't go exploring in the woods? So why did she let him go without question after reading that letter? My guess is that you tried to use that dialog as a quick info dump on why he's a cat, and then accidentally forgot to tie up the loose ends. So I'd quickly fix that up.

3)
“Young girl let down your hair so I can climb the bright red stair.”

This quote of Jenna's, and a few others, take her out of character. I know your trying to stick with the whole fairy tale thing with little quotes here and there, but it's just not a good a idea if the character saying it never does such things.

4) Where were the descriptions? There were barely any as far as I could tell. Describe the world around the characters. Describe the trees, the plants if you must, and whatever else. This will also draw out your story, making it a more pleasant read.

Overall synopsis? It was okay. I got a smirk here and there, and seeing the connections was a little cool, but you still got some work to do.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.




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on the princess thing read the paper bag princess, not all princesses sit on their butts all day and have people wait on them hand and foot. I wanted jenna to be like that!
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face~Johnny Depp"



“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -
— Emily Dickinson