To Do with Music

I decided I wanted ot do a story about music, but I haven't decided on a name yet, that'll come later. this is just the start, I've still got to develop the ideas out, and get a real feelfor what's going to happen, and what it's about. when I wrote this first part, I thought it was going to go completely differently, but i like the ideas that have formed in this, and I don't want to change too much, so see what you think, and tell me!

Part 1

Round and round the mulberry bush,
The mulberry bush,
The mulberry bush.
Here we go round the mulberry bush
On a Sunday morning

Bright colours flash before my eyes; a thousand smells overwhelm my nose, vivid tastes assault my tongue, and the sounds – the sounds are like a million choirs, the chorus of a flock of birds, an orchestra’s symphonic music, and the sound of angels’ wings. It carries me away, lifting me up on those gossamer wings, letting me drift through the world in peace. Music is my passion, and my freedom, nothing makes me feel more alive than the sound of music.
The laughter of the girls around me brings me out of my reverie and I watch them play and sing. They twirl around the girl in the middle as she spins in the opposite direction, and I feel dizzy just watching her. My sister always seems to be the one that’s in the centre, and more often than not that privilege means that I have to help her stagger home on her shaking knees. We don’t mind laughing about it, half the fun is the trip home.
I never join in with her antics though, I prefer to sit and listen, letting myself be swept away by my feelings and imagination. Even now, sounds are forming in my head, another chorus of song ready to burst forth into my brain. I close my eyes again and let it overtake me. I always listen to what my mind gives me, the best music I’ve heard is created there, but I can just never write it down. I’ve never learnt how.
As I listen I forget everything that happens around me and therefore I didn’t see it when it happened. But I heard it.
BANG.
It sounded like a car backfiring, so I didn’t open my eyes.
But then they came.
The screams.
And the loudest of all, my sister’s.
My eyes shot open in time to see her being carried off, a large man holding her tightly to his black clothes with one arm, while his half-covered eyes and gun were glaring at everyone around them. I saw, in shock, her struggle; saw her scream out in pain when he only squeezed her against him tighter, his grip like an iron clamp. I lept up from my seat, but froze when his gun became aimed at me.
I yelled at him to let her go, but he just laughed. I asked him why; why was he doing this? His answer came swiftly and shocked me into silence.
“Because of you, Louise.”
And with that, he ran towards the car waiting in the street, threw my sister in, and clambered through the door after her, slamming it closed on the way in. The car drove off, leaving me standing in the middle of the playground, silent tears falling down my stunned face. And all I could think was…
How does he know my name?

Nice use of description. I liked the character's overall voice in this it gave a lot of info without being too blunt or bland. The ending of this section was pretty intense it'll definitely make people want to read more. One thing though, maybe you could fix up the spacing between paragraphs? It was hard to look at all at once. And watch your semi-colon usage. You aren't using them correctly. Here's a site that'll hopefully help:

http://www.essortment.com/all/semicolon_rcnr.htm

But anyway, nice work

Thank you!! I always miss-use semi-colons. I'm so glad that you gave me that site, that's really helped.

Tamora wrote:Bright colours flash before my eyes; a thousand smells overwhelm my nose; vivid tastes assault my tongue; and the sounds – the sounds are like a million choirs; the chorus of a flock of birds; an orchestra’s symphonic music; and the sound of angels’ wings.

This is a mouthful of a sentence and uses too many semi-colons. I think you should break this up into at least two or three sentences.

The laughter of the girls around me brings me back [take out back] out of my reverie and I watch them play and sing. They twirl around the girl in the middle as she spins in the opposite direction, and I feel dizzy just watching her. My sister always seems to be the one that’s in the centre, and more often than not that privilege that means that I have to help her stagger home on her shaking knees. We don’t mind laughing about it, half the fun is the trip home.

Re-word the first bolded phrase. "They twirl the girl in the middle". Then rephrase the second one. "And, more often than not, [take out that privilege] it means that I have to help her stagger home on her shaking knees."

I never join in with her antics though, I prefer to sit and listen, letting myself be swept away by my feelings and imagination. Even now, sounds are forming in my head, another chorus of song ready to burst forth into my brain. I close my eyes again and let it overtake me. I always listen to what my mind gives me, the best music I’ve heard is created there, but I can just never write it down. I’ve never learned how.

The second thing is "the best music I've created is there" I think you should take that out. We already know she creates it there.

BANG!!

I t might just be mean but I think the exclamation points take away from the power of the word. I think you should just have "BANG".

My eyes shot open in time to see her being carried off, a large man holding her tightly to his black clothes with one arm, while his half-covered eyes and gun were glaring at everyone around them. I saw her struggle; saw her scream out in pain when he only squeezed her against him tighter, his grip like an iron clamp. I leaped up from my seat and froze when his gun became aimed at me.

"Leapt" isn't a word. "Leaped" is better, but it's still awkward. You might want to find a synonym. Also, use "but" instead of "and".

II. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I had two problems with the piece. First off, the description. You throw us into a story of how a girl feels about music, but you tell us what it feels like, sounds like, etc. You should describe it much better sense this seems to be a pivotal part of your character. Use imagery don't tell us how she feels.

Secondly, the ending. I'm sorry, I didn't like the ending. It was just too unreal. A guy jumps in with a gun, grabs his sister, says "It's your fault.", and the girl just sits there crying watching as they drive away. You really need to flesh out this bit much more. Show us how the character feels when she sees her sister in the hands of a criminal. And the character would most likely would scream and tell someone. However, the thing that was mostly unreal about it was it seemed random. There was no build-up whatsoever. He comes in, snatches her, and runs away. Flesh it out!