As I struggle, you kick me when I'm down

Hatred burning from the very fires of hell.
His mind going into a diziness spell.
For what he was about to do,
would show her he had been untrue.

Watching me struggle from the ropes of our love,
You tell me you cheated, that I wasn't what you want.
I know what to do,
but your foot to my face comes down from above.

As I come to stand, my face is strianed.
you kick me as I fall, my expression is pain.
I know what I should do next,
His life will be forever hexed.

While on the cold earth, you kick me again.
I'm tired of all the pain you have caused.
I stand again, this time, I don't pause.

The guy I knew was loving,
and I'm happy that he changed.
I'm done with him for now.
I won't allow him to re-arrange my face.

In a second, I'm ready to fight,
I will not be hurt again,
So long, I think to my mind,
good-bye, old boyfriend.

With a punch to the face,
he falls to the floor.
Finally, I'm ready again,
to not be the one to adore,
him.

I kick his side,
with all of my might,
ready to bolt anytime.
No more hate in my life.
No more of him to hold me back,
and with that, my world is out of the black.

This poem is nice, good work, but I thought it was kinda 'overdone' and cliched.

I'm not great with love poems so I too found this one particularly over the top.

The rhyme scheme is slightly erratic: you establish one at the beginning and then it changes around throughout the poem.

Once an idea has been established, try to convey it in several ways to keep the reader on their toes e.g. instead of writing 'the ropes of love' a second time, try something like 'the ties that bind' or any other phrase that conjures up the same image.

Good luck.

For somebody rather young, I thought this was quite a good poem.

Writing for love is a pas wrote:Through my mind I think about our memories, while you re-arrange my face.

That's my favourite line, although I would probably put 'while you re-arrange my face' on the line below, to keep the stanza flow. Also there are a couple of spelling mistakes, make sure to remember to proof read thoroughly.

Good effort on this, I'm sure many people can relate.

*Bang* That's my mind, you killed it with all these cliches. It's not even that well done. You go over so many of them. Next it's hardly original. Oh boohoo my boyfriend left I feel like writing a contrive and me poem about how he hurt me.

Navelgazing: Telling us a story all about you, in the me sorta sense. You don't give us any sense of emotion other than your anger. But we don't feel it so it feels trite and jaded.

Overall: I can't say a good thing about this poem, it seriously felt like tons of braincells commited Hari Kari after reading it. So drop the emoness drop the navelgazing and actually make it feel it! Or it's void and just a rant which annoys us because it's so emo and navelygazing.

Good luck
VSN

Hey

Hmm.

Falling.
Pleading.
You must stay.
I need you.
Forever and a day.

Yuk. You have used cliche after cliche in the first stanza. Cliches are bad. Stay and day sound like they have been thrown in just for the rhyme. That in itself does not compliment a poem - it would be better off without rhyme at all.

Watching me [s]struggle from the ropes of our love[/s],
you say it's over and [s]lightning falls from above.[/s]
I take the [s]knife that you thrusted into my heart[/s],
and ripped the ropes of love apart.

The rhyme is so wrong. Cut it out. It makes every single line way too corny.

Also, grammar pick. You say 'take' as in present tense and then use 'ripped' in the past tense...keep to the same tense.
And it's 'thrust' not 'thrusted'.

And I have put a strike through all of the above cliches.

As I come to stand, my face is strianed.
you kick me as I fall, my expression is pain.
I've been punted out of my happiness phase,
into dark and gloomy days.

Ok. I don't think you have kept with the theme. This is a complete 'Me!' stanza. And it does not relate to the previous stanza - no ropes, no knife...no lightning. I don't know, but it could be mistaken as another part of another poem. Not good.

It is spelt 'strained'.

Punted? That sounds weird. I think of golf or - actually, I'm not sure what punted reminds me of.

into dark and gloomy days.

Woah. That is a terrible cliche. Lol, you certainly made the most of them.

While on the cold earth, you kick me again,
I wail, what happened to my boyfriend?

Haha. I'm sorry. This makes me laugh. You wail? You let your ex kick you? And to end it with such a boring, undescriptive, unprovoking question like, 'What happened to my boyfriend?'
Oops.

The guy I knew was loving,
but I guess that some things change.
Through my mind I think about our memories, while you re-arrange my face.

The first two lines you try to make a sentence. Look at them - they are not. They are not a complete thought and they make no sense whatsoever.

The bold is too wordy. Minimize the words and mutiply the effect. That's one key to good poetry.

Finally you back off [s]of[/s] me,

Omfg!

Never say 'off of'. Never.

with the blood running down my face merrily.

Right... As the reader I was like, 'Merrily, huh? Ok...' Very weird. It doesn't suit the mood you are (trying) to give to this poem anyway.

Basically, I think this is pretty bad. No rhythm, no flow, the rhyme was corny and degrading, the content made up of cliches, and the storyline was nothing new. It was, as I'm sure Vernon would have mentioned, navel-gazing.

Better luck next time.
And don't give up Keep writing and you'll get the hang of it.
Just remember you have an imagination and you don't need all that silly rubbish all those boring people out there have used over and over again. Every writer is better than that.

Peace V
Inky

I'm not going to tell you that it's overdone and cliche. As most things we experience in life have already been experienced some way or the other. So just because many people have gone through this doesn't mean you can't write about it. You can! And you should. But show it to us from your point of view. Make it more personal and unique. Make it obvious that is was written by you! I mean I could pick up a pen and paper and write the same thing and I'd get away with it. But make sure work screams with your originality and your personality. Make it obvious that it's you who wrote it.

Hope this makes sense!