Dark storm of sorrow

Black rumbling clouds,
above my head.
Tells a story,
of those who are dead.

You say I'm on the path they took,
but if that's what it takes to get you back, then look.

I like you, okay?
You tell me to wait for you another day.
Why should I listen to a soul that is lost?
Taking others with him at every single cost?

My tears have stopped; I don't cry for hate.
My life is paused; my last breath was too late.
Could you be true to me for once?
Or when the going gets tough, will you run?

Well I'm done waiting for someone that won't return.
So many emotions churn.
My eyes snap shut, my body starts shaking.
I know what to do, but my mind starts breaking.

I call your name one last time,
and fire a bullet with a lie.
You fall on the sand, gasping for breath.
You never knew, I'm all you have left.

And you don't even have me.

I run to your side, my body falls.
It had to be done, I lost it all.
Lightning strikes us on the dime.
We were together one last time.

wow i really like this
maybe it is because i'm all about not letting a guy walk all over you? haha l I think you were really descriptive and i like how you included pretty much the whole story of going from liking someone to hating them. Nice job maybe you could write more about this?

Awesome job! I didn't know you liked him that much!

This is pretty good, I like the way you went from liking to almost hating, emphasing it. The rhythm/structure wasnt quite there, but hu care?

I feel bad because I'm the only one who, so far, didn't like it... I have a few nitpicks and then on to why I didn't preferably like it.

but if thats what it takes to get you back, then look.

It should be "that's", yes? As in, "that is"?

It took the place with all of my joy.

Shouldn't it be phrased,

"It took the place of all of my joy"?

He's left an implant on my heart.

You mean,

"He's left an imprint on my heart.", no?

That makes sense--"implant" doesn't. "Implant" makes it seem like he left something in your heart, but you aren't clear about what. Hate? Sorrow? Love? Is there a feeling associated with this implanting? "Imprint", however, would be obvious--he's left an imprint in your heart--bruised it, broken it. That makes perfect sense. I stumbled around with that line, trying to figure out what you meant!

Why I Didn't Care For It: I guess it's just me, but it seemed a little unclear. You never say that there was anything for her to hate him for--just that he didn't like her back. But if that's the case and that's why she hates him, isn't that immature? You can't hate someone for not falling in love with you. UNLESS he was totally out of line when he told her he didn't like her, like saying, "Ew, no, like you? Who would like you?" in front of his friends or totally blew her off. Then I can see why she would hate him. The way you phrased everything, though, it just seemed like she was a petty, selfish girl who hated the guy who didn't fall in love with her. But that's just what I got from it--I could be missing something or just missed the part where she explained that. I'm pretty tired. ^^

l really dld love thlz poem.
Because I can really relate to it because of my ex. And thats exactly how I feel like the feeling your poem portrays.

I liked how you made the structure so insignificant and separated every little detail but i did notice one mistake

He still gives me the butterflis, too.


It should be butterflies. Don't worry about it. It was a simple mistake that I ahve made too.

Dang Girl!!! I guess all the boyfriends gotta be ready for you. JOKEING!!!. The poem was really good. I think if you will turn it more into a lyric it would be a really good pop rock song. So great job continue your work!!!

Thanks guys.

Lordgluzman: I get that a lot!
lolz

unsterblichkeit36: Yay! Thanks for the positive review! *WooT*