Cure Me Please (Third Attempt)

Hmm.
What to say about this?
Gosh it's very different.

Overall, it is well written.

Bettwe then before even though you changed it so much it was unrecognizable.
That's not wrong to do but you couldve at least tried to incorporate some of the past lines into this because I really liked some of the first part.

Faults:

And I wonder.
I question the stars,
The moon,
The sky.
I question myself
And everything beyond.
What’s beyond me?
Wake me up from this dream.
Is it a dream?

I yank at my hair,
I ransack my soul for answers.
I want to shout at the smirking stars
Tell me! I want to ask.
Tell me what’s wrong with me.
Tell my why I question.
Why can’t I go on?

At the beginning of both of these stanzas, the hook for it is very weak. It begins to bore me and my mind wonders. However, that's just my own personal thing. Overall in the poem though, the visual aspet is present and consistent.
Again at the beginning of these to stanzas, it doesnt flow very well.
It just sounded funny,


No more suggestions.

Nice effort ^_^

Tenni!!

Yes, Yes, That helped a lot. Thanks a million Leja! It makes more sense now and I feel I can fix this poem. I can handle it now as I know WHAT to handle. Thanks!

Viola!



When I was rewriting this poem, yet again for the third time I realized another reason why my poem was not easy to digest.
There were two different things that I had jumbled into one poem. So I'm going to write this poem in two parts. Or two different poems.
The first poem will have the questioning and the second will be an answer or rather 'aftermath' to the first.

From Under the Blanket

I sit on the cool marble floor, (Just wondering why marble. It's quite cliche, ya know?)
perplexed,
My curiosity aroused by
the resplendent moon
gazing down at me.
The stars maliciously twinkling,
I suspiciously wonder if the know the secret.
I marvel at the night sky,
The tremendousness of it.
It seems as if that’s all there is.
I force myself to look beyond it,
Beyond the vast bowl that has engulfed me,
Beyond it all.
My eyes fittingly scan the
Galaxies of stars for a hint,
A clue as to how they came to be,
How I came to be.
If I really am
If I'm stuck in a dream,
a trance which I
Will suddenly wake up from
and be able to see beyond myself
Beyond everything I see with my two eyes.

^^^^^
So First Poem. I changed it, tweaked it here and there and I think it's much, much better. I also took out a lo of lines. I felt in a lot of places I was over explaining. A statement given once, firmly and loudly is better than mumbling again and again.


Second poem:



Solitude

Turning away from everything material,
I search for my answers,
Striking a match and letting the
Candle of my soul
Enlighten me. (I love tihs line, it made me realize you got it in part two.)
The long winding tunnel,
Which is doubt
Sees light a the end,
I stumble towards it,
Tired, at long last having reached
The main road of my journey.
First my heart reaches the blinding
Light that edifies my consciousness (This one too, you've got a very bright future as a poet.)
And then me as a whole,
Basks in the freshness and warmness of
Existence. I am at your door.
Whisper the formula in my soul. (Again, these are so full of imagery. It's beautiful)
My arms are outstretched,
My heart, joyous
and open with sincerity.
Tears of bliss trail down my cheeks.
Tell me who you are
And tell me why I am.(The end sadly is weaken, it reminds me of a song from Jekyll & Hyde called Nobody Knows Who I Really Am: It's goes. "Tell me who I am? What I am? Why I am?. So yeh kinda cliche, but other than this line. Kudos)


I'm really proud of this one. Is it better? I think it is. Of course it probably still needs some work and please feel free to crit. harshly.

Wow I really love the next part. It's exellently written and I feel the emotion so brilliantly. You've really got it now for number two.

Part 1. I'm afraid it's still got so many I's. You're getting it and as seen by part two. You can do it. You've got some great parts in part one I admit it's getting so much better. Really.

Back to part two all's good for that except for the end, which sure ya can make less cliche.

Overall: I'm proud of ya, I knew you could fix these, and now they only have minor problems, like number 1 having too I's and the end of part 2 being weaker than the overall poem. But really well done. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

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Listening to: Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine - Sheriff Fatman
via FoxyTunes

Whee! The double-poem thing is a nice addition, especially given your reasoning behind it. And to that extent, the two poems contrast nicely with each other since there was so much darkness with the night and the sky in the first poem, and then the second poem was all about the light ^_^ Only a few things were a bit shaky:

Striking a match and letting the
Candle of my soul
Enlighten me.

My first instinct is to say 'cut all this soul business; it's cliche!" but I guess it's legitimate here. I like how you put a new angle to it, with the candle, but maybe go a step further to say "my soul's candle"? Then the candle actually belongs to your soul instead of just residing there. And I like how "enlighten me" gets its own line ^_^ These lines are the very epitome of solitude. Nice!

The long winding tunnel,
Which is doubt,
Sees light a the end.
I stumble towards it,
Tired, at long last having reached
The main road of my journey.

^ end-of-line punctuation suggestion in bold. Why are you stumbling towards doubt? And do "you" (the you of the poem, that is ^_^) see a light at the end of doubt, or does the tunnel? If the first, there needs to be a pronoun somewhere. If the second, then why is the tunnel doubting itself? The first three lines above are a little confusing structurally.

Enlighten me.
The long winding tunnel,
Which is doubt
Sees light a the end,
I stumble towards it,
[s]Tired, at long last having reached
The main road of my journey.
First[/s] my heart reaches the blinding
Light that edifies my consciousness

^ Notice how many times the concept of light was referenced in the above. But they all talk about something different, making it kind of disjointed. The first alludes to search for knowledge, the second, to an end, and the third to a realization of the first's goal. The second instance almost seems like a tangent. Similarly, I struck out some lines above that you might want to consider cutting; they're summary of what's happening in the background, of the narrative structure to which this journey is overlayed, but I'm not sure they're necessary in context.

Light that edifies my consciousness
And then me as a whole,
Basks in the freshness and warmness of
Existence.

Again, watch your pronouns Are you trying to say that "you" bask in the warmth of existence or that the edifying light does? If the first, you need some more connecting words between the second and third lines above. If the second, then I'm not sure if it makes much sense.

Basks in the freshness and warmness of
Existence. I am at your door.
Whisper the formula in my soul.

The formula for what? If it's the formula for edification, I thought that was discovered when the heart reached the blinding light?

Tell me who you are
And tell me why I am.

These were nice, sort of inverting lines ^_^ I like the switching of the question to fit the person.

This poem has come so far! You should be proud ^_^ Let me know if you need anything else!

-I changed
Candle of my soul
to
My soul's candle.

(though doesn't 'Candle of my soul' sound nicer on the tongue?? But I guess I shouldn't let sounds deviate me from my main message.

-Fixed the punctuation like you suggested.
-As for the light business, they are all ONE light, just described and 'metaphor- ed' differently. But I DO see your point.

Quote:
Light that edifies my consciousness
And then me as a whole,
Basks in the freshness and warmness of
Existence.


Again, watch your pronouns Wink Are you trying to say that "you" bask in the warmth of existence or that the edifying light does? If the first, you need some more connecting words between the second and third lines above. If the second, then I'm not sure if it makes much sense.

I put a period after consciousness. I thin that'll help clear the confusion.

Light that edifies my consciousness.
And then me as a whole,
Basks in the freshness and warmness of
Existence.


-Thanks so much everyone! You guys really helped me out through this, especially Leja and Vernon. I'm extremely grateful.