teens

SWEETHEART
by lmpo

I am in love
Because i am being love
From the sincere process of courtship
For the very first time,
i am now entering into a relationship

I have no idea, that it'll be him
He never pass by into my dream
We were just friends at first
And in fact, in him i am scared

Yes,he is now my first boyfriend
But everyone knows, im not that prepared
When he is coming, my friends are murmuring
When he stares at me, i think im dying

He really melts my heart
Everytime he call me sweetheart
His smiles feels me like im in heaven
His looks made me numb,
and all has forgotten

We will compete each other in terms of study
He will wait for me until i get ready
I keep on learning and adjusting
Because he promise that he'll take
good care of me and never stop loving.

Hey lex! I see you're new to YWS. I noticed that you posted two poems in one day and also that you haven't written any reviews, so I thought I'd fill you in on some ground rules. Nothing much, just that YWS usually asks that you write two critiques before posting a piece, that you keep the ratio of critiques to new posts at 2:1, and that you don't post more than one thingy a day--try to keep it at two a week at the most. That's about it. Get critiquing and welcome to YWS! If you have any questions, feel free to private message a moderator (dark green names) or a junior mod (light green names).

-Colleen

Hey lex. Welcome to the YWS. Do you know lex means "law" in Latin?
What Cade said you have to keep your review writing ration 2:1.

Now onto the review:
I loved this poem. I could hear this poem used in a movie. Sorry, but I'm a hopeless romantic. I liked the rythmn, the organiztion, and everything. This peom touches my heart. Overall: Awesome Job!

great job

To be honest, I didn't care too much for this. So...you're in love. I get it. So what? Why should I, the reader with a short attention span, care? At the moment, I don't. You use a lot of images I've seen and heard before, like heaven and melting hearts. I think you could go beyond this if you stopped worrying about the rhyming, which creates some really odd word choices and isn't well-done. Focus instead on creating unique images and metaphors. There are some less-boring aspects of this that you could build on. For example, you talk about how you weren't prepared and how you compete with him while studying. Give us some more detail. Don't tell us how you feel; make us feel it through more interesting word choice.

Also, try using more proper grammar/spelling. "i" should always be capitalized, and your weird wording makes it difficult to appreciate your poem.

Keep writing!

I agree with Niteowl.

Another thing I noticed is that you are being rather careless with your grammar. I reviewed another poem of yours just today an I noticed it in that one too.

As you probably know, all poems don't have to rhyme. You can use free verse. I've always written in free verse because I feel rhyming makes my word choices limited, resulting in limiting the message of my poem.

I only have one successful poem that rhymes. All my other poems are free verse. I can't stress enough how much more importance you should give to the message of your poem than to the rhyming.

Another thing, always, always when you write a piece of literary work, even out of YWS, make sure you don't forget to capitalize the word I.

And words like 'I'm' should never be written as 'im' or 'Im'.

You can do that while chatting on msn but try to keep it out of your literary work.

you might feel discourage by all these not so positive reviews but don't be. I believe you have the potential to make this poem better.

YWS will be with you all along and I'm willing to help anytime! YWS really helped me with my writing. I'm such a better writer than I first was when I came here. So take our comments positively.

Another thing I would suggest is to read more poetry. It'll help loads.

And here's a link to some awesome Poetry tutorials, by our very own YWS members. Make sure you check it out. They're very helpful!

viewarticlebody.php?t=19433

Good Luck!

I'm in agreement with most, you don't keep the readers interested and to add insult to injury you use and spew out cliches, it's not got a worth while hook, you just tell us such an old story and you don't add anything to new to it.

More so, you've got appauling puntation, 'I' is always a capital except in words like in and it etc.

Also you tell us everything, rather than trying to show us, you tell us, which bores the reader, they could read a trashy romance novel to get a simalar story. We want to feel this though, not be made to just be a spectactor.

Overall: You should start afresh and really try what makes you so attracted to him or why your love so special. Use the five senses, to give us the feeling. But with contrive cliches and just pure droning on with this, you need to work on this hard. And, proof read. You Seriously do.

Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

You really have to check your grammar, there were disturbing mistakes all around this poem. Like "in him I am scared" - you just can't say like that! Capitalize the "i"'s as well.

"I am in love" - that's not really interesting way to start a poem, it's a big cliché and nowadays, it doesn't really mean that much.

And here's a tip for you: Never use the word "boyfriend" in a poem, it belongs to a whole another world.

"For the very first time,
i am now entering a relationship" I'm not sure if that's grammatical and besides, you could say that differently and still mean it. Use your imagination.

Well, I can't really do anything but wish you luck. Read some poetry and focus on getting your English right, that's the very first step on the way to the stars!

Sincerely,
Demeter

Hey,This is a good poem I see where your coming from, but I quite didn't get the grammar.

Heres How it should have be.(spelling I mean)

lex wrote:SWEETHEART
by lmpo

I am in love
Because I am being loved
From the sincere process of courtship
For the very first time,
I am now entering into a relationship.

I have no idea, that it'll be him.
He never passed by in my dream.
We were just friends at first.
And in fact, in him I am scared.

Yes,he is now my first boyfriend,
But everyone knows, I'm not that prepared
When he is coming, my friends are murmuring.
When he stares at me, I think I'm dying.


and you Should Separate this part above. Like after each comma,
You have a different effect.





He really melts my heart.
Every time he calls me sweetheart.
His smiles make me feel like I'm in heaven.
His looks make me numb,
and all has forgotten.

I just don't understand this part below. Maybe if you separate and do a bit of editing, people will see what your trying to say.

We will compete each other in terms of study
He will wait for me until i get ready
I keep on learning and adjusting
Because he promised that he'll take
good care of me and never stop loving.

Overall Most of it was a good poem.If you want it to sound more romantic, you should look for more adjectives referring to how you feel. I liked the fact that you used heaven. You should do more of that.

Keep writing!