Chapter 1

This is what I rewrote Forget the old one. I changed a lot(i think). If I were you I would read my prologue first.

How I see my characters.

Alastrona Charna: http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e372/ ... /girl6.jpg

Cassius: http://blog.pucp.edu.pe/media/497/20061 ... an22nw.jpg

Toast: http://i190.photobucket.com/albums/z247 ... eboys6.jpg

Ellenore: http://i83.photobucket.com/albums/j284/ ... edgirl.jpg

Kali: http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p93/ ... pretty.jpg

Zephan: http://photobucket.com/image/anime%20gu ... 2.jpg?o=33 A bit more like an adult

Chapter 1


“Ms. Charna!” A teacher yells angrily.

“Huh?” The student sleeping shot up noticing the teacher grunting and three girls giggling at her.

“Ms. Charna! Were you sleeping in my class again?”

“No Mr. Heklin. ”

“Ms. Charna come up to the front of the class please.”

A mysterious girl came walking down to the front of the classroom. As her dirty blonde ponytail was bouncing around.

“Is there anything you want to talk about?”

“No, I just haven‘t been getting much sleep lately. That‘s it”

“Well start getting more sleep. If you fall asleep one more time. I‘ll have to give you detention.”

“Yes Mr. H.” She said walking back to her desk.

“Now. Where was I? Oh yes your homework.” The whole class groans to that response. “It‘s not hard. Read pages 139 to 145 in your social studies textbooks. And write notes of the section.”

The bell rings shrilly as the students tried to get out as fast as they can for the weekend. The girl with the ponytail, the last one leaving the class is startled leaving by a boy with messy blonde hair.

She shrieks loudly and noticed it was her boyfriend. “Cassius!” Giving him a kiss on the cheek. “So, what are you up to?” Holding Cassius’ hand romantically.

“Well I got to go to Basketball practice. So i got to go.” He said running off.

Outside the snow fall begins to pick up. Alastrona begins to walk to her Mitsubishi Eclipse. As she dug in her pockets for her keys, however: they fell onto a bit of ice on the road and slid. They hit these brown boots as a boy with the most gorgeous long blond hair and cute blue eyes picks them up. However; it was not Cassius.

“These yours?” The strange boy asks.

“Ye- Yeah. Thanks.” She said nervously as the snow stops falling “I-- I-- I don‘t think I‘ve seen you around school. Are you new?”

“Yes. Hi, I’m Toast” Toast said putting his hand out to shake.

“Well-- Welcome, Toast. Hello, I‘m Alastrona. Alastrona Charna. Where do you exchange from?” As she shook his hand.

“Umm… Canada.”

“Oh, Welcome to Maine.”

“Very nice to meet you Alastrona. I guess I‘ll see you around.” He walks into the distance and vanishes.

Getting in her car felt like she was going to die or be reborn at that moment. Driving out of the school parking lot was peaceful. All the students and buses were already gone. As she drove off into a giant vision of fog. Not being able to see the turn, she guessed.

Next thing she knew, she was being carried out of my flipped car into an ambulance. She realized the windshield shattered on the ground and the pieces of glass in her legs with the cold blood dripping all over the car, however feels like the glass was in her fast beating heart. The fog was gone, and everyone was surrounding the accident. Her book bag was ripped and her work was everywhere. When she finally noticed she had crashed into a building. Running through her thoughts was that she was thankful no one else was hurt.

She stared off to the left slowly. She saw someone in the crowd that looked familiar. She realized it was Toast. Then, she blinked and he was gone. So befuddled not knowing where she is. As she was being put into the ambulance, her cell phone went off as it vibrated on the asphalt when the doors slammed shut. The oxygen mask being put on her. All the people in the ambulance are talking however; her hearing was deaf and vision was fading away.

She awoke in the hospital, and her father was next to her.

“D- Dad?”

“Oh! Alastrona you‘re awake. She‘s awake! She‘s awake!” Her father Zephan said.

The doctors run in and check the machines and computers around.

“You gave us a fright.” One of the doctors said. “We almost lost you. But, we brought you back. It‘s like you died and was reborn.”

She began to remember how she felt when she got in what used to be her car. “What day is it?” She asked confused and in pain.

“It’s ten to midnight on Friday.”

Three police men walk in and ask, “What happened? How‘d you get in the accident?”

“All I remember was a vision of fog and…” she began to cough “and. Crash. The sky was clear and I was up side down next to a building.”

The man writing this all down on a notepad said “What fog? Sure we had a little snow earlier. But, no fog.”

“What?! No I swear there was fog. I could barely see the road. Why else would I crash into the building.”

“Well you could’ve began to fall asleep.”

“FALL ASLEEP!”

“Well your teacher. Mr. Heklin called. You‘ve been falling asleep in class lately.” Zephan intruded.

“Yeah. But… I would never fall asleep driving.”

The door slams open. Alastrona’s best friends Ellenore and Kali run in.

“Oh my god!” Kali yelled “Is she alright?” Kali said to the doctor.

Kali was a nervous however fun girl who cares for people more then should be. With long brown hair and is always fashionable in her own way.

“I bet she will.” Ellenore said.

Ellenore or as she likes Ellie was always caring but thinks everything will be great. With red hair and lived a “In the sky life” and a rocker.

“Kali, Ellie. You came.” Alastrona said cheerfully. “But… Is Cassius here?”

“We tried calling him. But, it kept going to his voice mail.”

She groaned sadly. “I bet he just is asleep.”

“We need everyone to leave. We need to take some x-rays and she‘ll need her sleep. You can see her tomorrow.” The nurse said.

“How long will I be in here?” Alastrona asked to the nurse.

“You should be out Tuesday mourning.”

“Can you tell me what was wrong with me?”

“The doctor will tell you later. Also, they sent this here from the crime scene.”

“My cell phone! Maybe Cassius called me while I was… Dead.”

“Well put that away it‘s time for x-rays.”

The bright light knocked her to sleep.

Hm. It's interesting, but a little confusing.

“Cassius! Don‘t scare me like that!” I said to Cassius. “I got to go” I said giving him a kiss on his cheek. With a delightful wave walking away.

This encounter is rather random, and at this point not relevant to your story.

Outside the snow fall begins to pick up. I began to walk to my Mitsubishi Eclipse. As I dug in my pockets for my keys, however: they fell onto a bit of ice on the road and slid. They hit these brown boots as a boy with the most gorgeous long blond hair and cute blue eyes picks them up. However; it was not Cassius.

You have a tendancy for this description of blonds. Try something different, i.e. "At first I thought it was Cassius..." Also, we need a bit more from Cassius to make him special.

“Ye- Yeah. Thanks.” the snow stops falling “I-- I-- I don‘t think I‘ve seen you around school. Are you new?”

This is adorable, but it seems a bit out of character for Alastrona. There should probably be a bit more to their meeting then a simple hello. Maybe he's shy, and that's why he doesn't specify where in Canada he's from.

Getting in my car felt like I was going to die or be reborn at that moment. Driving out of the school parking lot was peaceful. All the students and buses were already gone. I drove into a giant vision of fog. Not being able to see the turn, I guessed.

The first sentence is confusing, and not very relevant at this point in time. I suggest adding a few thoughts here, like "Dang it I hate this coastal fog" or whatever.

Next thing I knew, I was being carried out of my flipped car into an ambulance. I realized the windshield shattered on the ground and the pieces of glass in my legs with the cold blood dripping all over the car, however feels like the glass was in my fast beating heart. The fog was gone, and everyone was surrounding the accident. My backpack was ripped and my work was everywhere. When I finally noticed I had crashed into a building. Running through my thoughts was that I was thankful no one else was hurt.

Hm. I don't think Alas would really notice all of these details, or she notices them, and it's all foggy and not working. It just seems unrealistic that she would notice all of these things.

I stared off to the left slowly. I saw someone in the crowd that looked familiar. I realized it was Toast. Then, I blinked and he was gone. So befuddled not knowing where I was. As I was being put into the ambulance, my cell phone went off as it vibrated on the asfalt when the doors slammed shut. The oxygen mask being put on me. All the people in the ambulance are talking however; my hearing was deaf and vision was fading away

Hm. This also seems to be a bit too 'movie-magical.' Maybe instead of instantly recognizing him, a piece of toast pops in her head, and she's like 'what the hay...?' Where are her parents? Is there anyone there she knows?

“D-D-D-Dad?”

One 'D' will do nicely.

“You gave us a fright.” One of the doctors said. “We almost lost you. But, we brought you back. It‘s like you died and was reborn.”

Careful with this^^. Be a bit more subtle. Don't let us know that something magical is happening just yet.

Also, with the scene in the hospital, you switch from first to third person. Please on or the other.

You lost me towards the end there. Too many characters being introduced at once, and not much distinguishing between them. If you kept it in first person, you could make some very obvious differences, i.e. "The stark barbie pink blinded me as Kali raced up" or, "Ellie, her quietness was a haven from this madness of the hospital."
For some people, pictures help, but for me, it made it more confusing, and seem less original.
Other than that, I liked it alot. PM me if you need anything.

*Seraph*

Well In my book Like the

Getting in my car felt like I was going to die or be reborn at that moment.

Goes with the

“You gave us a fright.” One of the doctors said. “We almost lost you. But, we brought you back. It‘s like you died and was reborn.”

And it's not magical he was using a metaphor And she was able to see it's not like she was stabed in the heart. she could still see. and she just lost too much blood that's why she

"died"

and alastrona is shy but when she gets to know someone she's outgoing. does that help?

I. NITPICKS

bella4lifevur wrote:“Ms. Charna[b]."
“Huh?”
“Ms. Charna! Were you sleeping in my class again?”

“No Mr. Heklin.”

“Ms. Charna come up to the front of the class please.”

I came walking down to the front of the classroom. My blonde ponytail was bouncing around.

“Is there anything you want to talk about?”

“No, I just haven‘t been getting much sleep lately. That‘s it[b]."

“Well start getting more sleep. If you fall asleep one more time. I‘ll have to give you detention.”

“Yes Mr. H.” I said walking back to my desk.

Okay this likes description completely. It's a gigantic chunk of dialog...you need description. What's happening in the class? What are th other students doing? What is Mr. H's voice like?

The bell rings and every student starts charging out for the weekend. I still getting my stuff together. I get scared leaving the classroom by a boy with messy, bright blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes.

This makes no sense whatsoever. It should be "I'm getting my stuff together" and "I get scared" isn't good wording. Also, why is she afraid of some kid with messy blond hair and blue eyes? Explain.

“Cassius! Don‘t scare me like that!” I said to Cassius. “I got to go.” I added and gavehim a kiss on his cheek. With a delightful wave walking away.

This makes no sense...she's afraid of him yet she kisses him?

Outside the snow fall begins to pick up. I began to walk to my Mitsubishi Eclipse. As I dug in my pockets for my keys, however, they fell onto a bit of ice on the road and slid. They hit these brown boots as a boy with the most gorgeous long blond hair and cute blue eyes picks them up. However, it was not Cassius.

Okay, you use however twice in here. "However" is more of a transitional word, and I don't think you fit it in well. Also, change these "My keys fell and slid over a patch of ice finally stopping in front of a pair of brown boots."

“These yours?” The strange boy asks.

Why is he strange?

“Ye- Yeah. Thanks.” the snow stops falling “I-- I-- I don‘t think I‘ve seen you around school. Are you new?”

Take out "the snow stops falling" it isn't too important.

“Well-- Welcome, Toast. I‘m Alastrona. Alastrona Charna. Where do you exchange from?” I asked as I shook his hand.

“Welcome to York, Maine.”

That sounds wrong. People don't say welcome to City, State. The just say welcome to Maine or welcome to York.

Getting in my car felt like I was going to die or be reborn at that moment. Driving out of the school parking lot was peaceful. All the students and buses were already gone. I drove into a giant vision of fog. Not being able to see the turn, I guessed.

Two things are wrong here. Why does she feel like she's going "to die or be reborned" and no one guesses a turn in the fog. That's quite dangerous.

Next thing I knew, I was being carried out of my flipped car into an ambulance. I realized the windshield shattered on the ground and the pieces of glass in my legs with the cold blood dripping all over the car, however feels like the glass was in my fast beating heart. The fog was gone, and everyone was surrounding the accident. My backpack was ripped and my work was everywhere. When I finally noticed I had crashed into a building. Running through my thoughts was that I was thankful no one else was hurt.

Two things wrong. The first thing is you need to rephrase the first phrase in bold. The second is how does she know no one is hurt but her?

I stared off to the left slowly. I saw someone in the crowd that looked familiar. I realized it was Toast. Then, I blinked and he was gone. So befuddled not knowing where I was. As I was being put into the ambulance, my cell phone went off as it vibrated on the ash fault when the doors slammed shut. The oxygen mask being put on me. All the people in the ambulance are talking however; my hearing was deaf and vision was fading away.

Several things wrong "Then, I blinked..." and "As I was..." should be combined. It's "asphalt" and I doubt that she would notice such a thing in her condition. Then "my hearing was deaf" is poor choice of words.

She awoke in the hospital, and her father was next to her.

You changed person.

“You gave us a fright.” One of the doctors said. “We almost lost you. But, we brought you back. It‘s like you died and was reborn.”

I don't think a doctor would say "It's like you died and was reborn".

Kali was a nervous, however, fun girl who cares for people more then should.

Ellenore, or as she likes Ellie, was always caring but thinks everything will be great.

II. DIALOGUE

You had several dialog problems.

"Hi," she said.

"Hello."

"Hey," she said. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," he said nervously, "Um...how are you?"

III. TENSE CHANGING

You change tenses several times. You need to decide what tense your going to use past, present, or future and stick to it. Also, you change person later on and it makes no sense...is it meant to convey her "re-birth"?

IV. SHOWING VS. TELLING

You do a lot of telling here. You tell us her emotions, you tell us about her friend's personalities...you need to show us -- not tell us.

IV. OVERALL

This was an...interesting piece. It's a bit confusing and lacks description. It's a bit rough around the edges but I'm sure you can fix it with editing.

HI LIZA MONSTER lol

ok about your desriptions, well, i kno u like anime, but u need to write how the look too.
This felt very rushed and confuseing. you also format this strangely;

“Ms. Charna”

“Huh?”

“Ms. Charna! Were you sleeping in my class again?”

“No Mr. Heklin.”

“Ms. Charna come up to the front of the class please.”

if i were you i would try writeing it like this:

"Alastrona." Mr. Heklin said aggravated. a few girls in the class room giggled. Alastrona sat in her desk, her sholders slummped.

"ALASTRONA!" Mr. Heklin repeated, slightly louder. Alsatrona gasped, sitting up.

"Were you sleeping in my class again?" Mr. Heklin demanded, a vein standing out on his forehead. Alastrna pushed her blong hair into an ponytail nervously.

"no sir."

The bell rings and every student starts charging out for the weekend. I still getting my stuff together. I get scared leaving the classroom by a boy with messy bright blonde hair and dazzling blue eyes.

“Cassius! Don‘t scare me like that!” I said to Cassius. “I got to go” I said giving him a kiss on his cheek. With a delightful wave walking away.

this feels rushed. And you need to re-word the part about Cassius.and dont say 'the bell rings' sounds weird, try saying and the bell rang shrilly

Getting in my car felt like I was going to die or be reborn at that moment. Driving out of the school parking lot was peaceful. All the students and buses were already gone. I drove into a giant vision of fog. Not being able to see the turn, I guessed.

this is funkified: Getting in my car felt like I was going to die or be reborn at that moment. and the fact that her dad says this too feels weird.

Next thing I knew, I was being carried out of my flipped car into an ambulance. I realized the windshield shattered on the ground and the pieces of glass in my legs with the cold blood dripping all over the car, however feels like the glass was in my fast beating heart. The fog was gone, and everyone was surrounding the accident. My backpack was ripped and my work was everywhere. When I finally noticed I had crashed into a building. Running through my thoughts was that I was thankful no one else was hurt.

try to describe whats happening durning the car crash:

She blinked trying to see through the impossiablely thick fog. The tires of the car liftedoff the ground, the car seeming to float. abruptly the car jerked, throwing her against the seatbelt. the air bags exploded, catching her before her head hit the steering wheel.

the car rolled, squeaking and jerking. She screamed as the adrenalin pulsed through her. the windsheild buckled in, alarmingly. the car stopped on its side, the fog abruptly fadeing. every thing felt errily still, except for the sound of the glass tinkleing to the floor.

otherwise i like ur story!! keep it up!!

Okay, let's get this straight...People have names like Alastrona, Zephan and Cassius, and she drives a Mitsubishi Express? I've not been to Maine, but... A name like Toast would almost be better for Cassius, because Cassius sounds 14,000 years old; Toast does not. Ellenore is okay, i.e. Elanor Roosevelt. Kali sounds like someone off of Grey's Anatomy (a TV show) so it is also okay.

however feels like the glass was in my fast beating heart.

Sentence fragment. "however it feels" would be much better.

When I finally noticed I had crashed into a building.

Firstly, another fragment. Secondly, did she crash into a building or flip her car? It doesn't make sense for the car to do both, as cars usually do not flip when they hit buildings. If, in this case, they do, you should specify.

Running through my thoughts was that I was thankful no one else was hurt.

She's being carried into an ambulance. How does she know no one else was hurt?

So befuddled not knowing where I was.

All of the sentence fragments are ruining the experience for me. Please, remember to edit before you post! If you are doing this for style, well...don't. It just makes it seem like you're five (no offense to five-year-olds).

my hearing was deaf

If you are deaf, obviously this deals with hearing. It doesn't make sense to say 'my hearing was deaf'.

Right after that sentence, you switch from first to third person with no obvious break or apparent reason. This is not good and makes it confusing.

“D-D-D-Dad?”

Others may disagree, but I think the D-D-D makes it apparent that she was shaken up, etc. without actually saying, Alastrona was shaken up and talked as if she was.

It‘s like you died and was reborn.”

Died and were reborn. Surely a doctor would know correct grammar? (not intending offense to your grammar, I'm merely pointing out that in context, grammar is relatively important to understand the character of a person)

Three police men walk in and ask,

You switched to present tense. By all possible means, you should avoid switching tenses.

No, I swear there was fog. I could barely see the road. Why else would I crash into the building.”

"Why..building is a question and deserves to be treated as such. (?)

Ellenore or as she likes Ellie was always caring but thinks everything will be great.

This seems misplaced. You could cut it out, as right now it seems like unneccesary information, or place it somewhere else.

“I bet she will.” Ellenore said.

She will what? No one ever said what she will or will not do.

crime scene.”

Is a one-car accident, where the driver apparently fell asleep and is not even in critical condition, classified as a crime scene? I think it's only a crime when some crime was committed.

There were also several punctuation errors and quotation mistakes. Please, please remember to proofread a few times before you post (it's a rule). I think you have a pretty fair start and am waiting patiently for the next chapter.

very good. i liked it. though some parts were strangely written and a little confusing. i did catch on to all those unusual names. (especially Toast =]) that was another thing i liked. im glad you didnt use names like John and Bob. two thumbs up

It was kind of confusing, and I got a little bored reading it. The names were cool though! ^-^

Okay thanks for your honest opinion. And when you think something shouldn't be there you'll get it later in the book. So remember something that doesn't make sense now. Makes sense later.

Sorry for not replying sooner...

Okay.

Getting in my car felt like I was going to die or be reborn at that moment.
Goes with the...

I understand what you mean saying these go together, but I think you can write it better, make it more unique. I think more description would help.

And it's not magical he was using a metaphor And she was able to see it's not like she was stabbed in the heart. she could still see. and she just lost too much blood that's why she...

Sorry for not being clear; What I mean by 'magical' is that it seems too fantastic to be real.

Well you'll get it later I want rewrite most of my chapters and turn it into like i'm narriating it. So it will be 3rd person and If you still don't get it PM me.

Everyone basically beat me to critiquing your story, so I can't really critique much. Few things: Show, try not to tell to much. Use description,it makes everything more interesting.
I know you've described to me the POV thing a million times, but it still bothers me. you can still have thoughts from one person even if it's in third person (incase that's why you changed it). See you monday 'LIZA MONSTER' had to say that. PM me your next piece (if you haven't put more stuff up already)
~MV