Deception

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I wrote the poem three steps ahead to give to a boy, so this poem recalls his reaction.
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On the bus you smile,
your teeth drive me wild.

The next day, you laugh at me,
to show off to your buddies.

I'm crushed inside,
to no one can I confide, anymore.

I ignore you for the rest of the day,
but my heart feels like clay.

I can't handle all of this deception,
All I need is your protection.

But you're the one who's breaking me down.
And you're the water in which I drown,
And you're the fire that lights my night sky,
And you're the tornado that rips up my heart,
But boy, you're the hurricane who broke us apart.

I tell you what I think that you need to hear,
And I'll tell you that my pain is true and shear,
but you make still make fun of me,
But, babe can't you see,
That I can't handle this deception anymore,
Because from the deepest part of my heart you tore.

But you're breaking me down,
And you're the water in which I drown,
And you're the fire that lights up my night sky,
And you're the tornado that rips up my heart,
But boy, you're the hurricane who broke us apart.
Last edited by Writing for love is a pas on Fri Apr 25, 2008 11:29 am, edited 2 times in total.
No where to run...baby let's hide. Take her in your arms on a chilling winter's night. Watch the stars twinkle and glisten. Know that you've found the one person that will listen. ~*(ME)*~




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Points 890
Reviews 27
Ok. I'm not the greatest poet alive (though I could possibly be the worst), but I love this poem!

This is my favorite part:

But you're breaking me down,
And you're the water in which I drown,
And you're the fire that lights up my night sky,
And you're the tornado that rips up my heart,
But boy, you're the hurricane who broke us apart.


Here's some of the mistakes I found:

But you're the one who's breaking me down.
And you're the water in which I drown,
And you're the fire that lights my night sky,
And you're the tornado, that rips up my heart,


Since you started off without commas, the rhythm gets a little off when you added one there.

but you [s]make[/s] still make fun of me,


That I can't handle this deception anymore,


There.

Oh. One thing more. I really liked this :D
They tell me I'm a lazy lump of waste.

I'm just too humble to show them my genius :D

Want a review? PM me!




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Points 1040
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Hi. I love the poem. Found a few typos and stuff, but nothing major. :)

"Ignore" in fourth stanza is spelled wrong. Probably typo. You spelled it "ingnore." Just correct that mistake.

In the second to last stanza, you added an extra "make" in front of "still."

To me, it sounds like a song. I really like it. The part I like most is the repeated verse. Good job! :D

~Jamie
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need."

-The Rolling Stones



I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
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