For all the Heathers...

Okay so before you read this let me for the record state the following:
This has nothing to do with anybody I know

Alright, I tried a different style with this one, what do you guys think?

For all the Heathers

Have you ever had one of those friends? The kind that nothing works out for? The kind that tries and tries again and again even when you would have given up, the one that shows how determined you needed to be. Well if you haven’t I can say, it’s a life changing experience. I have had one of those friends; she still is my best friend. But we haven’t spoken in six months.

That’s because six months ago she gave up, and when she gave up she really gave up. She killed herself! Now bare in mind this isn’t a story about her pity party, she never asked for pity. No this is a story to remind us to never give up.

You see, every year our school as a “Ladies Choice” dance, I forget the technical name sometimes, now is one of those times. But anyways, Heather was all in an uproar, she had someone she wanted to ask, and she was going to ask him too.

To say that I was proud of her would have been an understatement. I, of course was going with my semi-crazy boyfriend Roberto—who had insisted on being called that since my little slip up after Spanish. I digress, point being, we were happy for her. She deserved a night…or thousand of fun.

So long as she could get the courage up to ask him. The dance was tomorrow for crying out loud! All it took was one little push and she started towards him. Then right around to her locker. I slapped my self in the face for her, why? That’s what we did.

I marched over to her, “he bett-“

“Calm!” she advised me, “he’s gonna be there, I’m going to ask him to dance, and you’re going to help me get ready okay?”

I grinned, “You realized you’ve just relinquished all control to me you know?”

“Only because I trust you.”

Bravo Heather! You’re going after something you want! That’s all my mind was doing, cheering her on, and oh, plotting her dress and hair and makeup out.

As it turns out my ideas didn’t come out as good as I had planned. I blame her for that, her personality and appearance clashed, and I kept forgetting that when I applied her make up. Her personality was for someone with gray eyes and black hair, workable and moldable. But she wasn’t plain enough to be workable, yes, she was too pretty for me to do anything with.

It took a while, but I fixed it, she was perfect now, and I made sure she knew she had never looked better.

As usual my outfit fell perfectly into place. Heather always showed me how lucky I was. My outfits weren’t the only thing that worked right for me. It seemed like everything did. So what did I do with my spare energy? I helped Heather.

When we got to the dance I was immediately swept up with Roberto. I could only pray that she would find him and ask him to dance. If she didn’t, she’d be getting an earful, and a hug and cookie.

When we saw her going over to him we paused and watched. She sat down, started talking. She was a very obvious flirt. Finally she got up, I expected him to follow suit, but he just sat there. She waved her arms around as if yelling at him and then ran off. I whispered a “BRB” to Rob and followed the fleeing Heather. He intercepted me.

“Care to dance?”

“Why did you say no to Heather, Jack?”

“She’s nothing special, and she’s ugly.”

“One, I’ve got a boyfriend, two she’s not ugly.” I gave him a black eye. Then continued after Heather, whom I found sobbing.

“He’s right isn’t he?” she asked, “I am ugly aren’t ?”

“Heather, he’s just a jerk.”

“Well I am!” Aw fuck it, and fuck him! I give up!”

Only in retrospect do those words hurt as much as they do. I couldn’t believe she’d say that, her! The one who had never given up on anything.

A week later she killed herself. You may be thinking this was a stupid reason to end your life, but it’s not a new thought. Heather never did anything half way; she was an all the way or not going, kinda girl. She said she gave up, she gave up completely.

I’m going to share something with you that I’ve never shared with anyone before…Her suicide note to me.

Hey Jess, (That’s my name by the way incase I haven’t mentioned it yet)
Sorry this has to be your last memory of me, but suicide notes are rather kind of final aren’t they?

I just wanted to say thanks for the last year. Thanks for being my friend, making me have a little fun, and making me try new things. I love you for that. You are the best friend that I’ve ever had. So you deserve this goodbye to say the least.

Maybe if I go to heaven I’ll be happy, or I’ll go to hell and be even more miserable. I don’t know for sure yet. All I know is I’m not meant for this life.

So farewell Jess, my best friend/sister in disguise. I won’t get to see you in this life.
~Heather~

Since I’ve read that letter I’ve said “I give up” over a thousand times, but I never really have. I suppose she gave me her gift/curse of never being able to give up. I don’t know if that is good or bad. I’d like to give up, but I can’t.

Oh how I miss that girl, she may have been nothing to Jack, but she was more beautiful than I ever could be. Her beauty went beyond what people were willing to see.

End of this story.

Hmmm...This is an interesting idea, but it wasn't done in a very interesting way. If you are going to write a 'highschool, go to a dance, boyfriend' kind of story, then you have to add something that sets it apart from other stories exactly like it.

To make this something more noteworthy you need to show more and tell less. You need to start out describing Heather, in every way that a person can be described. First, what she looks like, and then what she acts like, feels like, loves like. She must be more real for the reader to care when she dies. You also need to describe the school, the boy who she asks, the dance. What does it feel like in the stuffy room blasting with wild music? What does Heather look like when you find her crying? What does Jack's black eye look like? Does anyone at the dance react to what has happened?

Go over this add tons of description, and possibly some flashbacks/stories that put Heather in a more sympathetic light.

Hope this helps. PM me with any questions.

This is a good start but I'd love to see it expanded; written in more detail, filled with atmosphere and emotion. To some extent, the rather colloquial, story-mode works well but it distances your reader from the characters to some extent and the reader has difficulty feeling strongly for Heather. You have an excellent theme though and it's easy to relate to. Most people have had the pleasure and the sorrow of meeting a person like this and watching her (or him even) go through misery after misery.

A few small points -

You see, every year our school has a “Ladies Choice” dance, I forget the technical name sometimes, now is one of those times.

She deserved a night…or a thousand of fun.

I slapped [s]my self[/s] myself in the face for her, why? That’s what we did.

“Well I am![s]”[/s] Aw fuck it, and fuck him! I give up!”

(That’s my name by the way [s]incase[/s] in case I haven’t mentioned it yet)

_____________________
In general, I liked this. Feel free to pm me with questions or updates,

Heather xx

Hi there Alice!

You have some good ideas and I like the concept of a friend who nothing seems to go right for.

I agree with the previous critiquer when she says that you need to show rather than tell and you need to make your piece more original. It's easy for the subject of suicide to be done in a very typical way; especially concerning teenagers.

She killed herself! Now bare in mind this isn’t a story about her pity party, she never asked for pity. No this is a story to remind us to never give up.

I think you need to not say the first sentence. It rids the story of emotion and suspense and it would still work without you directly telling us that she killed herself.

as a “Ladies Choice” dance, I

as should be 'has'.

Roberto

I don't think this needs to be in italics.

or thousand of fun.

Doesn't really make sense.

Tenses

You need to be careful with your tenses as you swap them a few times and this makes your piece harder to read.
For example:

The dance was tomorrow for crying out loud!

Description

Description is what shapes a piece, especially a short one. We want the story to be almost bubbling over with it. You could inject it into this piece fairly easily as you have the beginnings of description when you talk about Heather.

Emotion
Make the reader cry. That should be your aim. Or to at least leave the reader still thinking about what you wrote. Suicide is not a very happy topic and although your piece is quite informal you should still aim to show how heart piercing the topic is.

Overall, a bit of prose with potential that needs some more thought to go into it.

All the best and keep writing!

Alainna
xxxxx

I finally finished! Sorry, I didn't get the chance to get back on the computer last night, and was at school all day today.

The numbers next to the highlighted parts correspond with the numbered comments below.





Highlighted Comments

1. I don’t really like this…
2. I really don’t like this here.
3. I think this should be ‘you.’
4. It’s not now – it was before she killed herself.
5. Icky! No, please, never write this unless it’s a letter to a friend.
6. I’d delete this.
7. Expand! WHY is she so proud? Is it really hard for her? Why?
8. Maybe expand a bit more – this could be funny. And in this context, parenthesis are fine (in my opinion,) so that could be explained in them to make the reading a bit neater.
9. Um…random? This is completely different from the rest of your voice.
10. Suggestion: ‘She deserved a night – or a thousand (of them? Your choice if you want these words. The repetition of ‘of’ may get annoying.) – of fun.’
11. Tense mess up here? ;P ‘The dance was in a day, for crying out loud!’
12. Expand. A lot.
13. Confusing. I tried to clear it up for you.
14. Maybe show how they always know what the other is about to say? Character development!
15. Suggestion: ‘…cheering her on (and plotting how I could torture her with hair and makeup.)
16. So it wasn’t Heather’s fault? Show that a bit…
17. I thought she looked amazing as well?
18. Clarify who.
19. Expand!
20. Give a tag here, or description. Even though you said ‘he,’ I didn’t know who it was at first.
21. Give him a reason to say this! You’re controlling your characters too much. Show us what he is doing, so hopefully we can understand where he is coming from.
22. This is odd at first, since we had dropped the ‘dance’ subject. I’d ditch it.
23. WAY too fast.
24. Maybe it’s not a new thought for her?
25. I’d ditch this. We know it’s to her, so it just looks…odd.
26. She is seeing her in this life. Reword?
27. She gave up, so she doesn’t have that!
28. This just seems like a weird thought to think of when your friend dies…maybe something on her personality? Like, ‘but she was more beautiful than I could ever be. He beauty went beyond what people were willing to see – it went under the surface.’
29. Not a strong ending at all.

Overall Comments

I’m not sure how I feel about this style. I suppose it could be fine, but you will need to fix other aspects of the piece before I will enjoy it.

First, your emotions. Her best friend committed suicide! This just seems a bit…flat to me. You need to put a LOT more emotion when you being (talking about how what the story is about,) and at the end (when we learn again that she killed herself.) The middle part, where you tell us about what caused her to do it, doesn’t need to have the same level of sorrow.

Secondly, you need to work on your descriptions. This seemed rushed. Bring us closer to the scene, and let us see/feel/experience everything that is happening. How’s it feel? Why are people acting the way they are? In addition to the descriptions, make sure you SHOW us, not tell us.

Finally, I don’t really like how informal this is. I can’t stand seeing ‘so anyways…’ in literature. If you fix it up, certain lines (have you ever had one of those friends…) can be used, and to your advantage, but some need to be scrapped. You’re not chatting with friends here. Informal is fine, but there’s always a limit.

I did enjoy the idea of the story, but I felt like there was no reasoning behind it. I think I need to get to know the characters a bit before hand. This seems very forced.

PM me with questions/boredom/more for me to critique. ;P

~JFW1415

Oh, I forgot something. If you listen when I say change 'I am ugly aren't?' to 'I am ugly?' it should end in a period.

Is this real or not because it is posted under "Other". ?? If it is I'm sorry.

-looks around-
Alright, I'm not good at this rating stuff as see that you are my first rate.
Of course there is always the good news and bad news when giving you the 411 on the story.
Suppose I should say the good news first, I liked it.
Though as that is sad I must tell you the bad news.
The story wasn't very descriptive and I felt barely any emotions as I read this.
Of course she died, but I feel no sadness from Jess, nothing coming from her.
She sounds sad, but it's not described.
Yes, this story is very much rushed through.
Though don't take my critique very seriously, it's my first time and I need to be pushed into shape.

Hey Alice, haven't read anything from you in a while
Well anyways, I thought this was great but it needs a little more polishing. Expand it, explore Heather and Jess's friendship a little more. Add more scenes where they're in school. Usually when someone commits suicide, well before actually, people are able to see the signs. Perhaps have Heather miss a week of school and her parents tell Jess that she's not eating or talking, she just stays in her room all day. Little details like this will enrich the story and make it more real and powerful. This topic is very very raw and you touched basis on it a tad light. Darken it a little, paint the reader a picture of all the emotions that the characters can possibly muster up.
Keep writing and Good Job,
Angel

Sorry, I didn't read the whole thing. It's too long and I'm tired. I worked all day.

Anyway, in case you really forgot the name of the 'Lady's Choice' dance, it's called Tolo. I think. LOL. In 8th grade one of my guy friends got asked to it by a junior...

Just felt like telling you that.


ITS TOLO. haha now i look like a total dumbasz