Mommy's Bus

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Mommy's Bus


A small boy with shaggy, combed brown hair sat shivering on a

cold, wet bench. He wore a brown jacket, a pink tie that reached his knees,

the nicest black pants he could find in his drawer and his Power Rangers

light up sneakers, they blinked with every step and Nicky was so proud of

them, he insisted on wearing them everywhere.

Nicky tried really hard to look nice for the bus stop today. He had

picked out his dad’s favorite tie, and tied a knot at his neck, he didn’t know

how daddy got it to look the way it did, Nicky was sure he knew how to tie a

knot. He practiced every day, twice, before school. You couldn’t get through

first grade without practice.


Nicky had also spent hours filling up his matching Power Rangers

backpack with two sandwiches, one with peanut butter and bananas for him

that read Nicky Hagan , and one with peanut butter and mustard that read,

Mommy. Nicky never understood how grownups could eat mustard, but he

made sure he put some on mommy’s sandwich. It was one of those things

that Nicky would never understand about grownups, they liked to read the

newspaper, they liked to watch movies where other grownups kiss each

other, and they liked to eat mustard.


It had been a long time, at least ten minutes. Nicky wondered

what time Mommy’s bus would get here. He looked impatiently at is blank

wrist. He didn’t know why, but everyone else did it, it must make time go

faster.


Nicky sat for another five minutes. Still no Mommy. He checked

his wrist again. It wasn’t working; maybe it only worked for grownups. He

knew this was where Mommy was going to be, daddy had said over and over

and over again. She would be at the bus stop where Nicky waited for her

every single day to come home from work. Grammy told Nicky that Mommy

would never come back, but she was always right there, and she would pat

him hard on the heart. Nicky never believed her. If Mommy was in his heart,

why didn’t she hear him telling her to come back?


Now, getting impatient, Nicky pulled out of his Red Ranger

backpack, an old walkman, the one he got last Christmas. He stuck the

earphones over his ears and pressed the big button on the left. Nothing

happened. Nicky’s ears were still filled with the muffled sound of raindrops

and honking taxis. He pressed it again, this time harder. Nothing. Again, he

pressed with as much strength as he could muster. Nothing.


This was perfect. Nicky was all alone, his tie was getting untied,

he was wet, his music wouldn’t play and mommy’s bus was very late. Nicky

had gotten all dressed up, all by himself just for Mommy and she wasn’t

even showing up.


Nicky laid his head back against the bench, it was a long day, he

couldn’t wait for Mommy’s bus. He hadn’t seen her for a long time.


“Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!” Nicky ran excitedly to the front

door. Everyone was dressed up at his house and everyone was here except

Mommy. It had to be her.


The door opened slowly, revealing two old people with tissues

and big, red, puffy eyes that Nicky did not know. When was Mommy getting

here? She was missing the party, and no one seemed to be having a good

time without her.


Screeeech! Nicky’s head shot up, a big blue bus slowed in front

of him. Mommy! Finally, Nicky thought, he’d been waiting. He ran up to the

bus doors, they creaked open and a bunch of grownups came bustling out.

Some smiling at Nicky, giving little waves, others pushed and hurried out,

some with briefcases and cell phones, some with children, some with

tabloids and newspapers, others with laptops or books, but none of them

were Mommy.


Nicky watched as person after person came shoving their way out

of the bus. Where was Mommy? She always sat in the front so she could be

the first one out to meet Nicky. People continued to hasten their way out, as

the bus emptied, the last few came lugging heavy suitcases. Nicky stuck his

head inside the bus. It was empty. No Mommy.


He took a step off the bus and kicked an annoyingly placed rock

in the ground. His Power Ranger shoes gave a pathetic flicker. He looked

down at the rock.




In remembrance of Sarah Hagan, may she always be in our hearts



Nicky always wondered about that rock. His daddy loved it and visited it all

the time. It didn’t mean much to Nicky; he only had thoughts for mommy.

He sat back down, Mommy would be on the next bus.





This was originally a prompt I wrote, so it's not the best. I just want some 'suggestions, rather than critiques, if that makes any sense. Maybe make it more emotional, or something that I just can't put my finger on. Thanks :)

P.S. Sorry about the format, I tried REALLY hard to get it right, but i couldn't get it.
If life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and scream "I don't want your damn lemons!"




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I really liked this, it was a really sad and powerful piece of writing and you got the tone of a young child perfect.

The only thing I'd have to say is that the bit where it changed scene was confusing and it wasn't obvious that this was what was happening. Perhaps you could try and link this in better, or simply put this in italics to make it clearer that it's kind of a flash back? I had to go back and read over it to make it make sense and this isn't what you want your readers doing. :wink:
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor




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ooops, sorry about that, I italicized it in the word doc, but forgot to do it over when I pasted it over here, sorry for the confusion, and thanks for the review!!!
If life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and scream "I don't want your damn lemons!"




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I genuinely enjoyed this. It is well-written and you did well with your descriptions this time. The only thing that I found wrong - and this may be just me - is the part with the rock; it confused me. It was tomb, right? Well, you worded it kind of oddly. He just got off the bus and boom! it's there?

Otherwise I liked it. A very affecting piece. Keep writing.




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Yeah, sorry, but she was hit by a car at that intersection and there is a memorial for her there. I sort of got the idea from a bus stop in my town, and a man was hit by a drunk driver there, and there is a small memorial there for him.

Don't mean to sound needy (even though I happen to be), but do you know how I can make things a bit clearer?

And, if anyone else has any suggestions as to how I can make it more emotional. I cried when I wrote it, but only because I'm a baby *smiles sheepishly* and I somehow managed to get close to Nicky in the hour that I wrote this.

Thanks :)
If life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and scream "I don't want your damn lemons!"




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You don't sound needy.

What I would do, to make it more clear about the memorial, is not to make the boy stumble into the "rock". I would have had him look up, and notice a cross nearby, and his mother's picture on it. I would perhaps make him confused, and, as a child usually does, mentally shrug and, as he did, just continue to wait for the bus.

As to your emotion, I don't think there needs to be more. Your MC is a child, and he doesn't even realize his mother is gone. What is there to be emotional about? He is perhaps irritated, because his mother is late, but he doesn't seem to have comprehended that she is gone.

Oh, and by the way, I noticed this about the last line:
He sat back down, Mommy would be on the next bus.

I personally feel that the last line in a piece is the most important. It reflects your entire story, and sets the tone. I think this line would be better as something like: He sat back down. He knew his Mommy would be on the next bus.

Hope this helps. Good luck with editing.




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Thanks for the suggestions! I really need them :)

P.S. Don't be afraid to be nitpicky, which I'm sure your not, but if you want to give any type of suggestion or change, no matter how miniscule or random, go ahead!
If life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and scream "I don't want your damn lemons!"




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The promised critique!

Please don't be mad at me. In your original post you said just be general, but you just posted saying you wanted us to be nit-picky, so I'm going with nit-picky.

The numbers next to the highlighted part correspond with the 'highlighted comments' below.

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Highlighted Comments

1. Considering we learn his name soon, I’d just start with it, and get rid of some of the descriptions. Maybe ‘Nicky sat shivering on a cold, wet bench, his shaggy hair flat against his head from the rain?’
2. Suggestion: ‘On his feet were his Power Rangers light up sneakers that blinked with every step. Nicky insisted on wearing them everywhere.’ Just to split all of this up a bit, so it’s not such a run-on.
3. Aw!
4. At first I thought his mom would pat him on the heart, not his Grandma.
5. Sounds like an older person.
6. Huh? What just happened? Isn’t he on the bench?
7. What door? Did the bus pull up?
8. What party? Oh – a funeral? But…I don’t know, this needs to be made clearer.
9. Italicize.
10. Italicize.
11. Expand a little?

Overall Comments

I get what you’re trying to do here, but it’s really confusing. Is he at the funeral? Bus stop? Grave stone? You need to show this more.

Other than that, this was wonderful. He had a child’s voice without making you sound like a poor writer. I loved it.

PM me with questions, or if you need more critiques!

~JFW1415

I just read your critiques, and I noticed you asked how to make it clearer, so I'll give it a shot, okay? It will be rather rambly, though. ;P

First, how did the boy get there? Is his dad visiting the rock? If so, show us his dad, staring down at the grave. Then his dad could turn his back, crying? *Shrug* Sorry, I'm not much help.

Oh, and you need to capitalize 'Mommy' in 'thoughts for mommy' in the last paragraph, and you need a period after the 'always be in our hearts.'




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Thanks sooooo much!!!!!!

Sorry about the confusion at first i wanted general, but then i realized that I phrased it wrong and I guess i sort of changed my mind (I really don't know what was going on in my mind).

Sorry about the italics as well, in the word doc. the flashback was italicized, but it didn't transfer when I copied and pasted.

Again, THANK YOU!
If life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and scream "I don't want your damn lemons!"




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seshat77 wrote:Thanks sooooo much!!!!!!

Sorry about the confusion at first i wanted general, but then i realized that I phrased it wrong and I guess i sort of changed my mind (I really don't know what was going on in my mind).

Sorry about the italics as well, in the word doc. the flashback was italicized, but it didn't transfer when I copied and pasted.

Again, THANK YOU!


No problem. :P

If you meant for it to be italicized, edit it and italicize it. Right now I don't even know where they were supposed to go...

~JFW1415



We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.
— Ernest Hemingway