Under The Twilight
The wind carries forth,
singing wheezily in the air.
Falling blossoms shed their petals
and vanish into the sunlight.
The sea bops up and down
while the sound of passing seagulls
echo past the waves.
And their silhouettes glide
towards the endless sky.
A bright light, shining down,
it leaves its beauty
raining onto the both of us.
Here, we sway in the setting sun,
watching the heavens drifting past.
Even if the world crashes down,
I'd still hold your hand
wherever we go.
And we will sit ,side by side,
whispering in the sunset mist.
A mist that entwines the both of us,
A mist from a fairytale
under the twilight...
Up until the third stanza, there isn't much happening. It's a lot of description of scenery, which is fine, but it's a little overwhelming. How do the people at the end fit in with the setting at the beginning? Look to expand some things at the end as beautifully as the beginning. Why does the wind get to sing wheezily, while the world just gets to crash down, or the sun just gets to set? Also, I want to hear more about this sunset mist at the end because it sounds pretty cool ^_^
