you know i'd sing for you

you know i'd sing for you
if you weren't as elusive as golden rays
on a wet manchester morning
but you like to hide in rainbow-tinted puddles
and hope someone will drop a few coins

you know i'd play guitar for you
if you didn't keep chasing forlorn hopes
and the sixty-yard passes that slide...
on the stadium grass and sma-
-sh against the advert boards

you know i'd die for you
if you stopped running from accidents
if you stopped pretending to be distant
if you stopped killing those who love you most

you know i'd dance for you
even at midnight when the sun has died
and i can't see except for your sparkling eyes
they'd illuminate my soul
but my pillow is the only microscope

you know i'd sing for you
but my vocal chords are bleeding from the strain
and you wouldn't listen anymore.

This was good FS. It seemed like it was based on a rainy day since there were puddles. I could be wrong...?
Anways, I seem to like all the things you write so I don't have much to say. All you need to do is capatalize the beginning words and put some puncuation after sentences. That's about it...

BTW: I think your imagery was very good.

Beautiful, Jack, as usual.

My favourite lines:

on the stadium grass and sma-
-sh against the advert boards

Clever.

you know i'd die for you
if you stopped running from accidents
if you stopped pretending to be distant
if you stopped killing those who love you most

It makes me want to cry...it's sort of cliche, but not. I think your wording saves it.

you know i'd sing for you
but my vocal chords are bleeding from the strain
and you wouldn't listen anymore.

Mm...beautiful imagery...this ends on a great note. You've really created a sorrowful mood. Marvelous job, don't know how you keep doing it.

very tranquil tone...I like it. And such great imagery...I like that too.

this is such a beautiful, rainy day piece.

my favorite lines are --

they'd illuminate my soul
but my pillow is the only microscope

as usual you come up with something so great that I really have no constructive crit for you.

except: who needs punctuation and capitilization not us! hehheh. okay now I'm scarring myself.



cheers CL

i wasn't going to say anything yet... but I disagree, I don't think he has to capitalize or puncutate if he doesn't want to.

This is a different structure than you usually do, with the repeating-like first line of the stanzas. Me likey, becuase you pulled it off.

you know i'd die for you
if you stopped running from accidents
if you stopped pretending to be distant
if you stopped killing those who love you most

this stanza was felt more like the climax to me, and the stanza you followed it with seemed weaker, and didn't hold my attention as well.

Not sure I like the
"sma-
-sh"
though, it felt akward reading it, but that makes sense, in a way.

What areida said is right on the money, beautiful imagery, and ends on a good note (no pun intended). bravo.

Meshugenah-

It doesn't matter if he wants to or not, I just said that it needs to be done. I may not want to do my homework, but I do don't I? It's because I have to even though I may not want to. Same way with his capatalization. You don't see any books where the reader just didn't want to capatalize or puncuate anything do you? I don't think so.
Sorry if I'm sounding snappy right now, I'm not trying to be. It's just I'm disagreeing with you disagreeing with me.

Chill. There was a misunderstanding. Accept it and move on.

Jack, I love this. Jeez, if a guy were to hand this poem to me, I'd be his forever. I'd cry so hard with the realization of how I acted, but I'd definitely be his. Beautiful, hon. A magnificent piece of work.

I agree with the no-capitalization/punctuation thing. I really like that style, and it works with your writing. Now, if Mesh could get over the way I start sentences with "And"...

I also like the sma-/-sh part. At first it didn't flow, but then I read it again, and it seemed to fit perfectly. Very nicely done.

i liked this, its really good, were did you get the idea from, if anywere

nice imagery and whatnot, i mean obviously it's a good poem but i just felt that the emotions were surpressed, they weren't strong enough for me. i felt like less imagery and more emotion would have made this poem have more of an impact but at the same time i don't see how you could have done that without ruining the set up of the poem...

oh god i'm no bloody help.

nice poem.

i like the no caps thing, i think it looks much better with a certain type of poetry.

woah, thanks a lot guys. I didn't really expect so many comments!

It doesn't matter if he wants to or not, I just said that it needs to be done. I may not want to do my homework, but I do don't I? It's because I have to even though I may not want to. Same way with his capatalization. You don't see any books where the reader just didn't want to capatalize or puncuate anything do you? I don't think so.

It has to be done? There's a law? I don't think so. Actually, you don't have to do homework if you don't want. I never do mine. I can do whatever I want thanks, and that's not a very good thing to critique in a poem. I'd rather yu actually told me about the syntax and and flow rather than peripheral matters such as a few capital letters.

To be honest, I think capital letters at the start of each line break the flow. It's like each new line is a new sentence, which is not what i wanted to have. I wanted each stanza as a progressive read, not to be paused at every so often. Also, I was feeling lyrical at this time and this almost played at like a song in my head, and songs don't have punctuation.

I think you may have been reading too many grammar books or something. This is know as free verse - that is, I can't write and show things how I like. If you want verse such as rhymes, don't read my poems.

Oh, and by the way, I have read a book where the writer didn't capitalize anything. I can't remmeber what it was called, but it was the diary of a teenager type thing and it fitted the style. Here, I think it fits the style. So..yeh.

were did you get the idea from, if anywere

My head. Which would therefore probably be from my experiences. The first stanza I guess had to with it raining, and I live in Manchester. The second stanza was about soccer, and I love soccer...and so on and so forth.

I'm in a talkative mood today.

"you know i'd die for you
if you stopped running from accidents
if you stopped pretending to be distant
if you stopped killing those who love you most "

I'm sorry, but I can't critique this poem at all. I got so hung up on this stanza...I can't think of anything else to say. It was very touching. As always, Jack--well done.

"you know i'd dance for you
even at midnight when the sun has died
and i can't see except for your sparkling eyes
they'd illuminate my soul
but my pillow is the only microscope

you know i'd sing for you
but my vocal chords are bleeding from the strain
and you wouldn't listen anymore."

Well, I loved this part too.

"It has to be done? There's a law? I don't think so. Actually, you don't have to do homework if you don't want. I never do mine. I can do whatever I want thanks, and that's not a very good thing to critique in a poem. I'd rather you actually told me about the syntax and and flow rather than peripheral matters such as a few capital letters.

To be honest, I think capital letters at the start of each line break the flow. It's like each new line is a new sentence, which is not what i wanted to have. I wanted each stanza as a progressive read, not to be paused at every so often. Also, I was feeling lyrical at this time and this almost played at like a song in my head, and songs don't have punctuation.

I think you may have been reading too many grammar books or something. This is know as free verse - that is, I can't write and show things how I like. If you want verse such as rhymes, don't read my poems.

Oh, and by the way, I have read a book where the writer didn't capitalize anything. I can't remmeber what it was called, but it was the diary of a teenager type thing and it fitted the style. Here, I think it fits the style. So..yeah."


Well, now I understand don't I? Sorry for the misunderstanding.

Actually, I didn't read it any grammer book and it basically is a law to captalize the beginning of of a new sentence. We all learned that in like, kindergarten? But never mind that. I now get what you were doing. Maybe in your next post you could put what you're going for. I don't crit. poems all that much because I can never find anything to really crit on. I'll give this poem another try:


You had very good imagery and it flows together smoothly. Every new sentence catches my attention in the beginning of each new stanza and I like that because it makes each of them seem unique. Also I like that you thought of each new stanza over carefully before writing it. Or that's what it seemed like. I think all of the stanzas were beautifully written and I don't really have a favorite.

Was that better?

Lol, you're original one was fine, I just wanted to explain why I don't use punctuation.

Actually, I didn't read it any grammer book and it basically is a law to captalize the beginning of of a new sentence. We all learned that in like, kindergarten?

It's a "law" (loose term) in prose writing. This is a poem. And you might have noticed there aren't actually any sentences in the poem, so therefore no capitals! See?

at the risk of sounding like a cultured european wannabe; bravo

i loved how it feels like a real person wrote it. it's hard to explain,; it just feels thast way. it's actually very, very hard to explain

well done, though. i loved it very muchly.

ps: on what you said about homework: right on