War

I remember my brother,
Smiling and laughing,
So full of life.

I remember my father,
Hearty and cheery,
His eyes twinkiling like the stars.

And I remember them as they died,
Bullets tearing through their flesh,
Their blood falling, as red a poppies.

I stared into their eyes.
The eyes once full of life,
Now lifeless, blank and staring.

Tears cascaded down my cheeks,
As if my eyes were storm clouds,
And I wept for hours.

I thought of our uncaring leaders,
Sending millions to their deaths,
Not caring how many lives they destroyed.

They brought grief, suffering and sorrow,
And for what?
Just to gain dominance over a human being.

Lives snuffed out as easily as a candle flame,
Fathers burying their sons,
Families torn apart like leaves scattered in the wind.

I return to my family,
Now all I had left was my mother,
She weeps for weeks after she hears the news I bear.

Is there hope?
Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
Can we escape the petty struggles of men?

Or will we reach the light at the end of the tunnel,
The light of hope,
Only to be thrust back into the darkness of war.

This is amazing. I love your rhyming and rhythm. This is really sad too. I liked how you expressed the emotion into this piece. Keep up the good work!

-Rick.

Thanks rick

EDIT: wait did you say rhyming? Um where did I rhyme it lol

*sniff* This is so sad! I know what exactly what you mean. It's so pointless!

There're only a couple of things that need changing, and they're mainly small things.

I stared into their eyes,

Fathers burying their sons,

Just a couple of spelling mistakes, witch out for them.

I stared into there eyes,
The eyes once full of life,
Now lifeless, blank and staring.

I think that the way this has been phrased means it needs different punctuation, either a fullstop or semicolon after the first eyes, otherwise it doesn't make sense, and looks wrong.

Tears cascaded down my cheeks,
As if my eyes were storm clouds,
And I wept for hours.

There're too many "eyes" you need to find something else. And yet, I don't want you to change the brilliant metaphor or phrasing of the first stanza that has them; they're both so good! But having them all so close ruins it.

I thought of our uncaring leaders,
Sending millions to their deaths,
Not caring how many lives they destroyed.

You've already said they're uncaring, so don't repeat it.

I return to my family,
Now all I had left was my mother,
She weeps for weeks as she hears the news I bear.

You've put two tenses in the same stanza. It's either past or present, don't do both.

Lives snuffed out as easily as a candle flame,
Fathers burying there sons,
Families torn apart like leaves scattered in the wind.

I love this stanza!! It's gorgeous! Brilliant metaphors, and wonderful flow.

And I remember them as they died,
Bullets tearing through their flesh,
Their blood falling, as red a poppies.

Same with this stanza, it's very descriptive and has a tie into war through the poppies, showing the metaphor and what they symbolise. Very moving.

There are heaps of other beautiful moments in this but it would take all day to point them out. Overall I love it! You're going to make me cry soon!

My only problem is repetition of 'so full of life' get rid of that. It's too cliche actually. We understand the effect your trying to get. You do change tenses a lot. That's true but much better since Tamora beat me. Overall: You're getting it, now concentrating on one idea but make it more describtive tell us where this person is. Hope this helps and sorry it's so short.

Good luck
VSN

K thanks vernon you've been really helpful.

K thanks vernon you've been really helpful.

wow. i loved the 4th stanza, it really got to me. everyone has really found everything else, so i just want to congratulate you, because that was a REALLY GOOD POEM!

Sad, rhythmic, and moving. Is there much else you need in a poem?!

Nice all around, great work, and you earned yourself a lovely golden star!

Wonderful poem, once again!

Their blood falling, as red a poppies.

Their blood falling, as red as poppies

Other than that, the flow and rhythm were fantastic! This poem was very moving--I could even hear the sounds of war throughout this poem. That's how good it was!

Though this could refer to any war from the American Revolution to the Iraq War, from America to the Far East, this poem reminds me of the American Civil War. I'm not sure why...I suppose because literature about the A.C.W are so emotional and moving. And because I've read several books written about the time and the main character commonly looses both a father and a brother!

-x- Ashes

I simply am moved by it. I'm not usually the one who gets moved a lot but this.....however almost made me want to hate you for being soooo good writing it. Simply emotional without trying too hard.

Kudos Parecokes.

This has been and always will be: Jace The Chase and The Godbreathed Vampire.

Hey there!

As previous reviewers have commented, you used some strong imagery. However, there were several problems with this piece that I'll pick up on later.

Firstly, well done on your images. These lines were particularly emotional:

"Lives snuffed out as easily as a candle flame,
Fathers burying their sons,
Families torn apart like leaves scattered in the wind."

But I felt some parts of this poem were weak. The opening lines were redundant - it would have more impact if you started with the third stanza and reworked it a bit. You used a passive in your ending, a classic feature of telling:

"Or will we reach the light at the end of the tunnel,
The light of hope,
Only to be thrust back into the darkness of war."

Turn the construction around; make it active:

"Or will we reach the light after the abyss,
The light of hope,
Only for the darkness of war
To swallow us once more?"

Getting rid of passives means you open up the emotion and the meaning doesn't seem so bland. Once you start to get a feel for how limiting thsi kind of writing generally is, you'll begin to create more effective poetry. In other words, you'll SHOW and not tell.

You also repeated 'staring' in the fourth stanza; try:

I stared into their eyes.
The eyes once full of life,
Now blank, cold and dead."

By juxtaposing "life" and "dead" these lines would carry additional power. Experiment with this kind of wordplay - this will give your poem a deeper texture that will transform a decent enough poem into a potential masterpiece.

Good luck!



Gahks

7/10

i think this is a decent poem, with a good sense of rhythm and imagery. there were several cliche's in the poem that can be overlooked but that you might want to think about, such as "eyes twinkling like the stars" and the lines about "the light at the end of the tunnel". while not entirely original, i always like a good war poem, and i think you've done a good job of writing a simple, effective and emotional poem here.

of course, there were grammar/spelling errors that have already been corrected, and some technique things you may want to work on (specifically the use of a passive phrase instead of a more powerful active phrase, something i am often guilty of overlooking). i'd be curious to see how the next war poem you write turns out.

I like the relation to the poppies. it is a good link to make when writing about war.
During the first two stanzas you relate to eyes twice, it can appear slightly repetitive.
Which war is it written about, the poppies would make it generally about the 1st World War but I am not overly sure. Is there a way you could make this clearer?
Overall I like the poem, its really imaginitive and has lots ofemotion in it. The rhythm is smooth as well.

This is a great poem. Obviously you are an amazing writer. If I were you, I would try to expand this piece a little more to make the point clearer. I would add 2 or 3 more verses on the reason of their deaths and the war itself and then that would make it better, and easier to read. I had to read this twice before I fully understood it. But really, this is great.

Keep writing!
KKatie