Shelf Life

5 posts
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Gender Female
Points 340
Reviews 37
This is an re-do, I cut out a few stanzas, Lynn and Vernon: you guys were right, it kind of dragged. Is this an improvement?

Shelf Life

Tired of living the shelf-life
Like a porcelain doll ready to break,
Tired of being seen and not heard,
Tired of my opinions don’t matter,
And I should just keep quiet.
I’m tired of ‘Yes Ma’am’
And ‘No Sir’,
And ‘No, I’ll just sit in the corner.’

It’s time, for once, to speak out,
To speak up,
To be heard.
For once, I will raise my voice,
Make others listen,
And understand.

I was scared of the life,
That I could have,
If only I reached for it,
But I recoiled in the corner,
Blending in with the background,
Becoming just another wallflower.
I was shy, I was quiet,
And for all the world knew,
I was alone.

For one at so young an age,
I felt like I had the world on my shoulders.
I could have opened up,
I could have cried out,
Could have shouted,
“Listen to Me!”
“For once, please-“
“Listen.”

Here and now, this will change.
No more will I sit on the shelf,
Out of reach,
Out of touch.
No more will I keep thoughts
To myself.
I’m climbin’ down from that shelf,
I don’t care if I chip my porcelain,
For once, I’m coming out of the shadows,
And I’m going to shout,
At the top of my lungs,
“Listen to me!”


Hope you liked the theme, it's true, too. For the first 11 years of my life, I never vented my problems to anyone, kept it in, about to explode. Hope you like it, thanks for reading, and reviews (nice but helpful, of course!) are always hugely appreciated.
Last edited by jenni321 on Sat Apr 19, 2008 9:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
On a scale of 1 to Random, I'm pretty ADHD.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 31
Man can I realate to that, no one takes you seriously when your a kid.

A good poem, needs some work. The theme was the best thing here, countless kids could relate to it.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1086
Reviews 134
I can relate too. I liked teh rythmn and the imagry in the frist satnza.
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. topic29146.html




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1823
Reviews 665
Well that shocked me, I thought this was gonna end up with a suicide. It's intresting, the title caught my eye. Your main issue is probably you go on and on. Maybe get rid of one stanza and form the main ideas of that stanza in another. Overall: The title caught my eye and I can say quite easily this is rather good. The imagery, the metaphors. I can see the Porcelian doll with ever staring eyes but closed in torment. So my main advice is get rid of one stanza. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 253
Though I liked this, I stopped reading before the last verse. It just seems to drag on. Cut out the weaker sentances, and shorten some others. Other than that, this was a 7/10.
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